Are we compatible?

[lifelover]

Hello community ~

I am so thankful to have found this site as I have a heavy burden on my chest with my marriage and I don't want to disrespect my husband or my marriage by blabbing about our issues with family and friends, yet I need someone to talk to...

I am married to a great guy. He is often a really sweet guy. He's not perfect, yet neither am I.

Here's my concern: I would like to feel wanted more sexually. And I'd like to have more sex than we have. I want him to initiate it. I want to know what it feels like to have my husband not be able to keep his hands off of me. He is complimentary to me, tells me I'm attractive and sexy all the time, yet he doesn't try to get it on with me very often. He is currently on some medication for serious back pain which is numbing him, including his penis and the like. I understand this, yet the sex has become sparse and even before his back injury, we could hang out for days and be getting along fine so the emotional chemistry is there, but he's not trying to get my clothes off. Or at least doesn't really go for it. I want to be and feel taken by my man. And we have talked about it and it's true that I don't initiate it a ton either b/c my desire is wanting to be desired as his woman.

I feel sad. I love him and I know he loves me. Yet for me, sex is very important to me. I am a very sexual and sensual person and I am an attractive person. (I say that not to boast AT ALL, yet to convey that I haven't let myself go or anything.) I'm not okay having a luke warm sex life. Although I think my husband would/will try harder, mentally I don't want to have my husband have to work on wanting more sex. Make sense?

I also think its hard as a sensual woman living in a society where all the marriage books, forums, media and the like portray that men are just sex minded creatures wanting and pawing at their women all the time. We have a society that creates that belief. And then when you're the woman who wants sex a lot more, it conflicts with this message and makes me feel less than a woman, not wanted, something's wrong, or that candidly, it's a big, fat lie that men wished they could have more sex, lingerie, and the like. Maybe it's just an old story that sells so we keep telling it. I've had several other girlfriends who also wish they had a lot more sex in their marriages too. Who knows?

As fyi, we are both strong in our religious faith and believe in waiting to have sex after marriage. I'm not preaching that here, just a tidbit. We talked about sex very openly and in the first few weeks of dating, I was very candid that I wanted sex everyday. Not once in awhile or once a week. I want sex 4 or more times a week. I want to wear lots of lingerie and be chased, and taken by my man. The point is we talked about it very openly before marriage and waited to have sex until after we were married. I thought we were very compatible. We had lots of great make outs all the time when we were dating. I guess talking about the sex life you will have when you're not having it and wanting it, isn't necessarily a guarantee of what it will really be like.

I love him, yet I'm afraid we're just not compatible sexually? The actual sex when we have it is great. The frequency of the sex or the wanting, pulling, desire isn't working for me.

Advice?

Disheartened Newlywed

[elizacol]

My mantra has become, "Be the change you wish to see in your marriage".

If you want more sex, then in your case/marriage, it may very well be that you are the one that is going to have to initiate it. There is nothing set in stone that says a man *must* always be the aggressor. It may be the stereotype. It may be the reality for 'most', but it certainly doesn't have to be.

In every marriage, there is give and take on any multitude of issues. It's never exactly a 50/50 split, no matter the issue. It sounds like, other than this 1 issue, that your relationship is pretty darn good and you have someone by your side who loves you! So, it could be (for the time being-who knows...things may change...you never know what life is going to throw your way...) that you must be the 90% and he be the 10% (or whatever %age) when it comes to initiating intimacy. Again, for now. Just because it is the way it is right now, doesn't mean it will always be this way.

It's worth a shot, isn't it? I have often found that when I take the steps to initiate what I want to see in my marriage, it isn't long before I see my husband making those same steps towards me. It just took my taking that first step.

I can't tell from your post whether or not it is the medication causing this. If it is, then that really isn't your H's fault. You may just have to ride it out (him being on these particular meds). Or talk to the doctor about it.

Hope this makes sense. I am short on time tonight, but did want to throw out my 2 cents.

Good luck!

[Scott Haltzman]

Thanks Eliz- for your perspective.
Lifelover--I really appreciate your passion for physical connection. Of course, you can't really predict what marriage will bring. Some people plan on a big family, only to find they are infertile. Others want a big house, but then lose their jobs. Many women long for in-depth conversations with their husbands well into the night, only to find that their guy clams up after putting on a wedding band.
Admittedly, though, sexual interactions fall in a special category, since the ONLY person you can (or should) have sex with is our spouse.
Now I do agree that you can move people in a direction that you want them, but there are many factors that lead to sexual performance--from underlying testosterone level, to psychological factors, from physical issues.
What is encouraging is that you do enjoy sex, and that you also seem to adore your husband.
There are a few good books on the subject: The Sex Starved Wife (Michele Weiner-Davis) and Esther Perel's "Mating in captivity." One thought to throw out there--sometimes guys feel more sexual excitement when they have to work to win you over. Are there times when you just say: "I really don't feel like having sex tonight, so don't even THINK of asking me!"?
-Scott

[Berger]

Try making foreplay more often. Go to a beach area and were a sexy lingerie and do something naughty.... I am sure your sex life will be enchanted.

[ThunderHorse]

The frequency of the sex or the wanting, pulling, desire isn't working for me.

Advice?

Disheartened Newlywed

What are the times of day when your husband desires contact and what times of the day do your desires increase and peak?

Men often have a "Morning Erection" Some Women peak in desire at 1 AM. Could timing of desires be part of the issue?

What time in the morning does he get up? What signals do you give your husband in the morning, that Love is an option before work?

What additional expressions by your husband would give you the re-assurance of your sexual desirablity?

[socialdistortion]

Dear Lifelover,

I recently had a conversation about this exact topic with a prominent Psychiatrist. He informed me that the most common reasons men have diminished sex drives are due to a numerous factors such as; being currently involved with someone else, decrease sexual attraction to their spouse, low testosterone levels, side effects of some prescription medications and age. Does your husband fit into any of these categories?

From your posting is sounds like you are a confident woman with a positive body image. This probably plays a role in your increased desire for physical intimacy, creating conflict within the relationship. You are so right that most of the literature written on decreased sexual desire in marriage is focused on the wife and her issues, few articles address the male issues. In Haltzman’s Married Women book, he suggests that the wife should make herself physically available to her husband. I strongly agree with this, within reason. In the Married Men book however, there is no such suggestion. I could imagine this makes women with stronger sexual drives feel like the minority and it is not exactly a comfortable topic to discuss with other individuals.

How long has this been going on? Are you aware of any social or emotional triggers that preceded this behavior? Sexy talk, lingerie and spontaneity could help in a slowed down sex life, but does little to help a long term intimacy issue. Over time an unresponsive and unassertive spouse can become less attractive and the situation can become a source of frustration with no obvious and morally appropriate options for you. Nothing could be worse than lying a few inches from your husband wishing someone was holding you, night after night.

You say, “I want to be and feel taken by my man. … I don't initiate it a ton either b/c my desire is wanting to be desired as his woman.”
I think the one thing women want most is to feel desired. Who wants to have sex with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with you?

Overall, the bottom line is you want to feel desired by your partner and his less than enthusiastic attitude is not helping. Can you talk to him about your desire to be desired? He sounds like a good guy, perhaps he has no clue how easy it would to make you happy.

[ThunderHorse]

Hello community ~


As fyi, we are both strong in our religious faith and believe in waiting to have sex after marriage.

Advice?

Disheartened Newlywed

While I feel that marriage is about the future, and the past is best forgotten, statistically, if this statement is actually true, then this puts your husband in a small percentage group of individuals on the planet.

So I don't advocate digging up the past, but masturbation frequency might be an interesting fact.


..

[ThunderHorse]

From a cognative perspective, many women are unaware of the levels of repsect that can be important for a man.

Many men have been hurt by comments that they found offensive, from their wives. Wives often dismiss the complaints of men about their hurt feelings, because women would not be hurt by the comments that hurt men.

Many men are dishonest about having been hurt by comments by their wives. Rather than explain a losing battle, men give up.

This can carry over into the bedroom. Many wives feel that marriage is a license to express a wide range of ideas and feelings. Women do not understand how to avoid hurting their husband's feelings, and how to build up love with keys to respect for the husband.

The Love and Respect lectures are largely lessons in Mars and Venus.


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[socialdistortion]

Thunderhorse- You say, “I don't advocate digging up the past, but masturbation frequency might be an interesting fact.”… Masturbation is great advice…for a teenage boy or shutout husband, but how will it help a women whose wants to feel desired by her husband? I would think this would make the wife feel even less desired. I do not think Lifelover is looking for sexual relief, but rather an intimate connection with her unresponsive husband.

You also write, “While I feel that marriage is about the future, and the past is best forgotten, statistically, if this statement is actually true, then this puts your husband in a small percentage group of individuals on the planet.” What? I don’t even understand this sentence…

Finally you say, “Many men have been hurt by comments that they found offensive, from their wives. Wives often dismiss the complaints of men about their hurt feelings, because women would not be hurt by the comments that hurt men.” I am not trying to create conflicting advice here, but it really seems like Lifelover has very positive, loving and respectful view of her husband but just wants to feel pursued by him. I think focusing on a man’s need to be respected is going off on a tangent. Let’s focus on what she can do to elicit the response she need/wants from her partner.

[ThunderHorse]

Finally you say, “Many men have been hurt by comments that they found offensive, from their wives. Wives often dismiss the complaints of men about their hurt feelings, because women would not be hurt by the comments that hurt men.” I am not trying to create conflicting advice here, but it really seems like Lifelover has very positive, loving and respectful view of her husband but just wants to feel pursued by him. I think focusing on a man’s need to be respected is going off on a tangent. Let’s focus on what she can do to elicit the response she need/wants from her partner.

Which of the citations Eggerich cites for the concept the Love for a wife can be engendered through respect, do you find disagreement?

CHAIRS

c = Conquest. What are his favorite sports teams, and how does she avoid praising rivals? Does she avoid contradicting the people he is trying to show respect?


h = Hierarchy. Does the wife understand the imortance of people in the family and in her husband's family and work?

A Authority. Does she understand the areas osf the house over which the husband desires control?

I = Insight. Respecting the beliefs of her husband's values and ideals

R Relationship. Does she accompany her husband at times when he disres companionship, or does she find excuses of other things to do?

S Sexuality. Does she understand and accomodate her husband's desires and individuality?

Anyone is welcome to disagree with me or my suggestions, and I encourage diversity of advice, on this forum. I don't claim to be right, I just try to be relevant. I try to be congenial about my diverences.


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[socialdistortion]

Thunderhorse,

Thanks. Things are so much clearer for me now.



Unity in cognitive enlightenment,

Social Distortion.

[songsparrow]

I can SO relate to this thread! My husband and I too wanted to wait until we were married before having sex. We also talked about this topic prior to the wedding. We actually made love a few days before the wedding, and it was HOT!!! I was therefore relieved to know that we were compatible in that area (in addition to being great friends), and looked forward to an intimate marriage. Wedding night was great. Our first week back to work, I greeted him at the door at the end of the day in beautiful wedding lingerie, with paper hearts strewn on the floor leading to our bedroom. He had an agonized look on his face. It has been all downhill from there. We have sex about once per month, or once every other month, when I initiate. If I want sex, my husband will most often be willing, and quickly rise to the ocassion. There have been times when he tells me he will join me AFTER he finishes a (hobby) project he is working on, making me wait. He rarely pursues me. We have been married 13 years, and I am not the wife who let herself go...even after having a baby (who is now 9 years old), I still wear the same size clothes I did as a newlywed, and am healthy and in great shape.

Reading this thread about the meds for back pain made me think of something...my husband has been a heavy coffee drinker since age 19. I have been trying to encourage him over the years to cut back/stop, as I don't like the dependence on drug thing, nor the bad breath, stinky gas while he sleeps, and the acidity it causes to his ejaculate which leads to yeast infections for me if we don't use a condom. After all these years, he decided on his own last week to stop drinking coffee altogether. I had emailed him an article that listed all the side effects of caffeine ( including the ones mentioned above). It also stated that caffeine dependence can cause diminished emotions, and an inability for the body to correctly determine when it needs to rest/be awake. Is it possible that I may see an improvement in the frequency of intimacy the longer he is "off" the coffee?