Thinking it is time to move on. No sexual chance.

[CPA703]

First want to thank Scott for this wonderful resource. I've read most of the posts and have learned quite a bit.

Honestly, I am losing my mind. For the last 3 years, I have been struggling with a "stay" or "leave" mentality which has only gotten worse over time. These days, it is a constant thought and affecting my health ( panic attacks at night, depression, anxiety)

I recently started to see a therapist. It is going to be a long journey. But I need help in sorting out my anger towards my wife.

6 years ago my wife informed me that she was sexually abused as a child. She has tried therapy twice, but has since resigned to the idea that she will never get over it.

I never knew this about her before I proposed. And as we have opened up, she has informed me that when we make love or have sex, she has flashbacks to her childhood. She would rather hug, give massages and hold hands.

Living with her is like living with a Nun. She has moved deeper and deeper into the church, and at the same time has ceased all physical contact with me. Only on the rare occasion when she drinks enough, can she forget the pain and enjoy herself.

It is very hard to feel like a man when your wife doesn't like your sexual style. She in fact, sees men as evil since it was a man that did this to her. We have a daughter and has been very vocal about me hugging her too much. She sees in our daughter herself.

Not having a physical partner, I have had to relive myself for 4 years. Friday nights. Alone. The damage this has done to my pschye has been deafening. I've lost confidence in myself , my work and my worth on this planet, other than as a paycheck that takes out the garbage and fixes the odd thing around the house.

When we go to sleep, she turns her back and passes out. We don't even touch each other. She gets up early and vanishes to the bathroom. Gets dressed in the bathroom so I don't see her. But we do have a friendly morning kiss and evening kiss, like clockwork, every day.

Her words to me are that sex is just too hard for her. Even when she has a few beers, it is lights out, no experimentation, and now adays I am not allowed to touch her in certain spots.

I make a solid income, buy the family trips to Florida and for skiing, take care of the kids and love them like no father on this earth, I buy her flowers, cook dinner, say I love you, hold her hand, listen to her, but her weekends at the spa, insist she leave the house to get her nails done, encourage her to go out and make new friends (she has 1 friend after 8 years in a new location). But her deal is that we are not going to be physical in any way that doesn't convey love on her terms the way she can handle it.

Now that my health is involved, I have to make a choice. Stay for the next 20 years for the kids, or cut the chord and ask for a trial separation. I can support her and the kids and still keep the house, she doesn't even need to work.

To make matters worse, I made a huge mistake. I took the advice of a family friend and married for stability and for her ability to be a strong mother to our children. I did not marry because I was head over heals sexually and physically attracted to her. I figured if any passionate sex was bound to slow down anyway, why need it upfront. BIG mistake. She is the best Mom on the planet.

The books say if you've been married 10 years, give it another ten. Yet I have a feeling this will only get worse, not better over time. Then we've wasted two lives.

Thoughts?

[ThunderHorse]

Seduction is envisioned in stages, in the Secrets of Married Men book.

Love on her terms should change, increase, as her stages increase.

You are not describing your beginning stages, and how you increase her arousal from stage to stage.

Many thoughts go through people's minds, as they make love.

What type of therapist did your wife visit? Hypno therapy or NLP Neuro linguistic programming might help her forget, with a few sessions, or at least be able to put the thoughts asisde for making love.

My wife sometines takes an active role, but often, I am going to town, and she is seemingly oblivious to me.

You do not describe your strategies for allowing your wife to be passive, while you find ways to have fun.

My early stage is my finger tips in her back muscles. Another early stage is I manuever around her position, and find ways to nurse at her nipples. Slightly later, I am warming up her favorite personal lubricant on my finger tips, along my stomach, and lubricating her vaginal apparatus. Again, I leave her in whatever position she has chosen, and I change to a postition where I can stimulate her.

You mention nothing about massage skills and tapes.

You mention nothing about re-approaching after you receve a rejection. I have made the mistake of receiving one rejetion, and overly broadly applying the rejection. Each woman has a re-approach time cycle. Regardless of the ferrocity of the rejection I can always start over with my wife, in three minutes, like I was never rejected, Some women are 5 or 7 Minutes.

When I am more interested in Love iwth my wife, I will take a nap earlier in the evening, so that I can stay awake through a series of several sets of rejections, and time delays.

What time of the day or night is it easiest for her to become more aroused, and better able to handle the memories of her abuse?

What legal recourse do you have against the perpetrator of the abuse? Is there some way the perpetrator could apppologize, or make a video of the abuser being paddled in punishment?

Men climaxing 5 to 7 times a week helps the prostate keep healthy

Can your wife accept a massage as she is going to sleep? Have you practiced your foot massage techniques?



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[ThunderHorse]

You don't mention savings for college, Graduate school, internship expenses. Children these days are expensive. When they lose their job, they come back home.

You don't discuss family planning, you don't mention the increased chances for a Downs syndrome child, as your wife gets older. Family planning may not have been so important in the 70's, when Abortion was a back up for slips in family planning. Ther has been so much polarized politcal posturing about family planning inthe 90's and today, that Sex is now more tied to morals and raising chidren.

There used to be institutions hat if a family had a severely mentally retarded child, there were institutuions to take such children. The costs of these institutions. Sex is about Pro-creation, with a chance of birth defects.

Squeesing large muscles, through effective massage, releases Endorphins, whcih create a natural intoxication. If my wife turns her back to me, I see it as an opportunity to compress her muscles in her alluvial canal.



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