Craziest you have ever heard

[ksearcy]

Me and my wife have been married for about 3 and a half years. She has a daughter from a previous relationship that she had at 19. We also have a daughter together; they are 5 and 2.

My problem started when we were joking about swinging one day. I didnt think anything would come of it but it was such an intresting conversation and we kept getting deeper and deeper. After awhile we decided that we wanted to try it but only with another couple.

My wife ended up having sex but I couldnt do it unless I was with her. When I touched the other woman it just felt wrong and I couldnt get erect. She went back to the guy one more time because I said it was ok but really didnt like it and stoped on her own terms.

We still felt like it may be something we wanted to do but we didnt force it anymore. Then one day she started talking alot to a friend from highschool that was in the air force. They have talked on and off for almost 6 years through email. Since he hadnt been home in so long he asked if she would come visit and she really wanted to since shes never traveled alone.

I let my wife go because I trusted her and to be honest I wanted her to have sex with someone else she would never see again so I could really tell if I was ok with our situation. Before she left I tried to tell her I didnt want her to sleep with her friend though, but every time I tried I ended up asking her if she wanted to and she told me no.

Well, everyone knows what happened next. She slept with him and she was only there for 2 days. She didnt tell me when she first got back and when she did I lied and said it was OK. I told her I loved her and that it only hurt that she didnt tell me when she first got back.

Later that week I tried to see if she had feelings. I tested her by asking her if she really liked him and kept telling her taht if she wants she can turn him into a "fuck buddy". I did this because I didnt know how she really felt and our sex life had been down lately.

By that Friday I was so upset about it because she texted him telling him that they could do it again if he wanted too. Now let me explain where I am physically at this point. I have been working 13-15 hours a day because we own a small business and things have been picking up fast but not enough money to hire help. I was also working hours on the weekends and had been doing this for about a month.

That night we got in a big fight that ended in her going to the bar with her friend. I had to go pick her up because she didnt want to be there. We fought and fought all the way home and finally while there she basically told me it was over. I got so upset I wanted to kill myself, so I picked up a clothes bar and beat the shit out of my head with it. Looking back I know I lost my mind because I cant remember anything right before it and after.

I know anyone reading this thinks Im crazy and I do too but I really went insane that night. Between lack of sleep, ntamicy, sex, and general love, I lost my mind.

Now my wife tells me that we are over because of what I did and even though I try to explain she wont let me. She was in a very abusive relationship where the man she was with beat her bad. I never have hit anyone in my life and though I had anger problems, over the past month I have worked on them alot.

My wife tels me she wants to be with me but cant because all she sees is that. I am not that man and I actually saved her from her past relationship and supported her right when we met. She moved into the other room for about 3 weeks till I drove her crazy to move back in with me. I dont know what to do or where to go from here. We fight almost every day and its always me that brings it all up. I cant seem to keep my mouth shut.

Also my wife has alot of male friends and one in particular is from an account we just got that hit on her a ton and she gave him her number before the problems. He texts and calls her everyday. I know taht hes trying to sleep with her because of what the guys at the place he worked have told me.I have tried to tell her that but she dosnt care. I think she might have already slept with someone else and she keeps telling me that she dosnt care who I sleep with.

Because of the kids we are sleeping in the same bed and I am doing the best I can but she dosnt come to work anymore to help me and I am being even more stressed then before. We have sex maybe once every 2 weeks and afterwards she gets very distant.

She tells me all she does is see what I did to myself. She also tells me that if it ever goes away she will be with me but I dont know if I can handle all this time that has passed. She is very young and beautiful and gets hit on daily. If she sleeps with someone else it will be over for sure. This is over isnt it? She goes out every other weekend now to a bar with her friend and she leaves me with the kids constantly to go work out or help her friend paint her house that she just got.

There is even more to this but I want some feedback before I tell more. Thank you anyone willing to help

[Scott Haltzman]

Hi K.
Welcome to the forum.
It's hard to separate out sex from emotion, which is why, in my opinion, swinging is not a great idea. The quality of married sex comes from shared intimacy of things that happen throughout the marriage--one night stands are just eroticism, which has its own appeal, but, over the long run can't replace a real connection.
It seems the biggest issue is that you crossed the line when you became explosively violent against yourself. I virtually never tell people to run to therapy, but in this case it seems the the best security that your wife can have that you won't go postal on her one day is to find a good shrink, explain what's going on, accept whatever treatment course he/she recommends, and then invite your wife into the sessions periodically so that he/she can update her about your progress.
To be sure, your wife is doing a lot of relationship-busting activities, but you've put the spotlight on yourself with your actions, and the first order of business is to dim it!

N.B. Contributions to this forum by Dr. Haltzman do not represent advice or treatment, but are provided to generate a discussion among the members of the forum.

[ThunderHorse]

Kudos for posting these difficult ideas.

If you are willing to post more ideas of working toward solutions, it might help you think through your best options.

One problem you mention is not having a good explanation for what happened, with the clothes rod.

One is that "I did not realize how jealous I felt, till my feelings got out of hand."

Another might be, "I did not realize that my love for you had generated so much jealousy. I thought I was cool with incomplete fidelity, but now we know that the common rules on jealousy actually work for me also."

You did not mention what you are asking your wife to change, at this time. My wife has a short attention span, so I need to have a real brief request, and worded in a way that unnecessary confration is not generated.

What extra things are you doig for your wife? How do you remind her of what yho are doing for her? Can you check to be sure that you are ding the most important things for your wife? Anything you are leaving out?

Can youopen your buisiness later, or close mid day, or close the bujsiness earlier, so you can work less hours?



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[socialdistortion]

Dear K,

It sounds like you are in a very painful place right now. One thing that struck me was when you said that your wife is upset “at what you did”!! What about being upset at what she has done to provoke your actions? It sounds like she is enjoying being pursued by other men. If she is getting constantly ‘hit on’ on by men, she is probably giving out signals that this is welcomed behavior. You are right to feel distraught by her actions. I don’t think going to bars weekly when you are married and a mother of two is helping your marriage in anyway.

Is your emotional state clouding your perception of what is going on?

I suggest you talk, talk & talk until you have a resolution and a clear understanding of what she actually wants from you. You are being a good sport, but this is not Jr. High, it is your marriage.

[ThunderHorse]

One of the rules of swinging, is that you don't do things for which your partner has not given permission. Your wife is doing more than you gave permission for, and so that would be a type of abuse.

There is a recent thread with several references to handling spousal abuse, from some wives and from some husbands. There are a number of links in Post no 2.

http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... .php?t=492




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[socialdistortion]

Thunderhorse-

You say "One of the rules of swinging, is that you don't do things for which your partner has not given permission." Where are the rules of swinging posted? I would like to look at this...

Also you say "Your wife is doing more than you gave permission for, and so that would be a type of abuse." Are you sure this can be defined as abuse? One definition of abuse is a ‘systematic pattern of behaviors in a relationship that are used to gain and/or maintain control and power over another’. I did not get from ksearcy's letter that he has firmly stated that her behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated, but rather he seems distress by her actions. How can this be defined as (emotional) abuse if the partner does not firmly state this action (once tolerated) is now unacceptable?

ksearcy-

Have you firmly stated that 'swinging' is no longer an option in your marriage? What are the repercussions if she continues to 'swing' in spite of hurting you? No repercussions???... then what is she risking by sleeping with other men? Perhaps you should make this clear...

[ThunderHorse]

Thunderhorse-

You say "One of the rules of swinging, is that you don't do things for which your partner has not given permission." Where are the rules of swinging posted? I would like to look at this...
...

There are forums with information on Swinging. Search Swinging, Swinger forums, Rules, Etiquite. I do not claim proficiency in swinging.

There is a forum on Philandering, and there are some suggestions for handling the potentially devestating repurcussions of jealousy and discovery.

I use the term ABUSE not to describe teh behaviour of his wife as atrocious, but rather to suggest a sane pattern of avoiding feeding into the emotional loop of arguing. I welcome your challenge, and the concept of controling may be a part of many abusive individuals. I agree that I don't see K Searcy'as wife as a control freak. But I do not fedel the element of control is necessary to start applying hte Boring Barouque Response, and avoiding Anger, or comments or jokes that might be turned around.

Your suggestion of what to say in requesting consideration for feeling of jealousy are excellent. However, if those same words are used when tempers are hot, the words are of reduced impact/value.

Now my wife tells me that we are over because of what I did and even though I try to explain she wont let me. She was in a very abusive relationship where the man she was with beat her bad. I never have hit anyone in my life and though I had anger problems, over the past month I have worked on them alot.

Expressing Anger or arguing or fighting is unproductive when the person is being abusive, or even just unreasonable, to you.

I suggested learning blithering compliments, so that you have a reasonable, non-detrimental, response to unreasonable ideas/actions from your wife.





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[socialdistortion]

Thunderhorse,


Ok, so lets agree on one thing- ksearch should make a decision as to whether or not ‘swinging’ is still a realistic option in his marriage. They both tried it, it was not successful or productive and perhaps it should no longer be tolerated. If both partners agree on banning all nonexclusive sexual behavior, all ‘swinging’ activities would now be classified as ‘infidelity’ and they can work on this.

Good luck with this ksearcy. I hope things get better.

[ThunderHorse]

Thunderhorse,


Ok, so lets agree on one thing- ksearch should make a decision as to whether or not ‘swinging’ is still a realistic option in his marriage. They both tried it, it was not successful or productive and perhaps it should no longer be tolerated. If both partners agree on banning all nonexclusive sexual behavior, all ‘swinging’ activities would now be classified as ‘infidelity’ and they can work on this.

.

That expresses my personal view, however, I sense an undercurrent that his wife may be resitant to requests for increased fidelity.

K Searcy does not seem to have delineated his goals, as related to his fidelity and his wife's fidelity.

Once goals have been defined, then requests of steps toward goals can be planned, attempted, evaluated and revised.

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