Where's it all gone

[Scott Haltzman]

There is no one answer to how to let a person know how important they are to you. The bottom line is, "Happily Ever After is what happen after a lot of hard work."

Happy in PA

Wonderful examples of working to make your wife happy, Happy. These are pearls I'll try myself.

S.H.

[jplord79]

WOW! Just going over this forum and reading it has had the following effect on me:
1. I am not unique in my marital issues
2. Somebody else hates housework and isn't gettin' any
3. Wooing and courting have got to be maintained
4. It's easy to focus on the complaints, but hte reasons why we married are still there; focus on the reasons why we should stick together.
5. hunting for cybersex or porno to fill the gap is a waste of energy thast can be plowed back into the marriage, and
6. I hate it when she's right, but I can get over it and learn something.

THanks for all the sharing. I am going to enjoy supporting and being supported in this forum.

[HUBBY]

I know this sounds piggish but, by doing everything she wants you to do, you will become one of her eggs. Punctual, etc. When you fall into that, you are no longer exciting and the guy that just walks uo to her, takes control and screws the bejeezus out of her will do it. This is my third marriage and my first 2, I tried what you're doing. By the 3rd I said no,
ain't gonna happen. We've been together 25 years and always will be.

[arya]

The rifts in relationships! Well how many times and in how many places have I seen this! There are advices and queries but still the answers or better to say the chemistry that is needed between the two partners never seem to get working! This is such a embarrassment.

[frustratedasalways]

Wow,

It's sound like you have it figured out Happy in PA. It really isn't that hard we just like to hear words! Not just once a year, but regularly. You say you aren't good at gifts, baloney! You're website was a gift! Sounds like a wonderful gift to me! I would much rather have something like that from the heart than flowers or candy! Way to go! Great job!

Your wife is so lucky!

It's this very stereotypical attitude of women(and men) in general that leaves women like me out in the cold. My sexual drive is unaffected by the little token gifts. For me, sexuality is entwined in love--I don't need my husband to bribe me with tokens of his affection to share sexual intimacy--to me the sexual intimacy is ENOUGH to reconnect and feel so special and wanted.

I have what seems to be the rarer of the problems. My husband just seems so blah and disinterested in sex. And like I said, unlike other women, sex to me is so intertwined in love. I love seeing my husband happy with pleasure and feeling good. Women, and it seems the majority, who poo poo sex are nuts imo. They don't know how good they have it that their husband is so attracted to them still. In many ways, the fact that he makes those advances should be a compliment to you and the 'bribe fix' you are looking for--it means he finds you attractive still for heaven's sake. Take it from someone who never gets that, when it is gone you feel rejected, unattractive, and like something is wrong with you. Women out there should count their blessings that their husband wants to express love to them in that very masculine way. If i knew it would be like this, I would have chosen another. My marriage after 11 years is near divorce over this. I really don't know that it can be fixed. He's well aware of my issues and he does not seem to want to make things work and I know I can not live like this forever so I sit in a state of depression over feeling selfish because i want intimacy and a sex liife and that my children will be on the cross of the pain because of my needs Again, most of you gals can not understand how good you have it...you just can't. I'd give my left arm for a man who made sexual advances at me regularly and wanted to be a part of a real intimate marriage. You are scoffing in the face of a gift. Shame on you! I see women like this and wonder why they couldn't get my husband and me theres--it just seems very unfair and if I sound resentful, you are damn straight. This has been going on for years and I"m 37 and not getting any younger. I feel like I'm missing on a big part of life and it makes me very sad:-( and given my childhood it seems as if that rejection is just perpetuated in my life now.

sigh...

[first year]

newatthis - we're pretty much in the same boat. Everything you wrote pretty much resembles my marriage, after only 9 months. How are things working out? Not only are we not intimate, but it's because my wifes looks at me more as a friend. She doesn't want to be in a relationship where the passions gone, where her feelings are luke warm to me, and has considered leaving me.

Have you done anything to change the situation, have things gotten better? My wife's biggest complaint is that the passions gone. When we're on the subway, or eating dinner and she looks across the way and sees a couple really 'into each other', she gets jealous because thats what she wants.

She's told me that I'm a great husband, i do everything that should make her be in love with me, but she isn't. I look at our sex lives which is pretty much non-existent and I think if I can satisfy her sexually, she'll have that passion for me again, the same time of passion that we see in other couples. If I'm doing everything else right, but not sexually satisfying her, could this be the our 'passion' problem? If I ignite her sexually, will this save my marriage?

frustratedasalways and sadwife

I'm sorry for you two, and I hope things are better. I wish you two could talk to my wife because I do everything that you two say you want and need to feel loved, except i often am rejected when I make advances to her. And these advances don't start in the bedroom, they start with a nice quiet dinner out, a nice sunset stroll outside, but once we get to the bedroom, lights are out and it's over. nothing. she's too full from dinner. she's too tired.

For those of you who have been through the 'ups and downs', how long do these downs last for? We've been together for 3.5 years, married 9 months and for the first year we were on cloud 9, and since then, we've been going down, and it seems like we keep going down. my wife has thought about leaving, but is willing to 'work on our marriage'. I don't know what that means. For anyone who has been in these downward spirals, i'd love to hear what you have to say.

thanks

[happy in PA]

It's this very stereotypical attitude of women(and men) in general that leaves women like me out in the cold. My sexual drive is unaffected by the little token gifts. For me, sexuality is entwined in love--I don't need my husband to bribe me with tokens of his affection to share sexual intimacy--to me the sexual intimacy is ENOUGH to reconnect and feel so special and wanted.

sigh...

I hope that "Little token gifts" as bribes for sex is not what my relationship with my wife is about! I am sure most men wish their wife had the attitude that you have....that simply initiating sex indicated a spouse's love.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, in my expreience most women don't feel that way. So in my case, if I wanted my wife to be happy and feel loved, etc., I had to find out what worked for her. It took time, but we learned together. I came to realize that my wife was very insecure and needed to feel pampered and worthy of attention, attention that wasn't necessarily sexual. Ironically once that happened she came to appreciate the fact that after almost 35-years she still awakens my lust.

If you and your husband were to start on that journey it sounds like ripping your clothes off would work better than a massage with warm lotion.

Good luck. I hope you and your husband find what works for you.

Happy in PA

[broody rambler]

...
Don't wait for the prescribed holidays to give gifts or cards. Do it for no reason. Another thing is that you should do it on Valentines day, anniversaries etc. and send them to her at work. It is important for a women to know that her man in not afraid to let everyone know that he loves her.

It is so disaapointing and almost embarrasing for a woman to be the only one at work that doesn't get flowers sent to her on Valentines day. We women feel so envious of those around us who get flowers or candy sent because their man is not afraid to let "everyone" know that he loves his woman. Once a woman in my office was surprised with a singing quartet who came in and sang love songs to her. We were all crying! Boy did we feel unloved that day, because the rest of us didn't anything. Not surprising was the fact that this woman WASN'T married! Us married ladies were the one's who didn't get anything. Women want their man to metaphorically shout from the mountain tops that he loves his woman, they don't want it to just be assumed or implied due to the sheer fact that they are married.
...

Dear sadwife,
I’d like to thank you sharing your thoughts and feelings on "Why sex goes away after marriage" (two years ago). I’ve read them last week and this morning they helped me - like strongly supportive "hands" - when they were echoing in my mind. Though at first I couldn’t even recall where I have read them, they made it so clear to me that I want to take the bunch of roses to her workplace for Valentines day. I originally don’t like the big fuss made around this day, but today I was happy with my action. I was also lucky, because they had a meeting at the beginning of the working hours, so I had a good chance to sneak and arrange the roses in a quiet room, the room where she broods her kindergartners. By now, the meeting must be over and she has found my token and I hope she is glad.
br

PS: Does it make sense to add any contribution to such an old forum thread? I have found this thread very useful and would have things to tell and ask!

[Scott Haltzman]

PS: Does it make sense to add any contribution to such an old forum thread? I have found this thread very useful and would have things to tell and ask!

Of course! As soon as you add a thought, it moves to the top of the pile and becomes fresh again.

I hope your wife loved the flowers! Happy Valentine's Day!

Scott

[Dave Pipitone]

Hello everyone. I am a new forum member and appreciate the opportunity to dialog with you.

My wife and I just celebrated our 25th anniversary last October. As a husband, I have learned a lot on how to relate to her in a committed relationship. In fact, my wife would be a lot different and not as fulfilling if I did not meet and grow with hter.

I just picked up The 8 Secrets of Married Men last Sunday and began reading it. So far, I'm through the 4th secret on Conflict.

Here are some of the things that have helped our relationship grow:

1. Taking time to listen and affirm.
My wife and I exchange written communication - cards, notes, etc. often. Whenever I go out of town on a business trip, I write a card for each night for her to read and open. She does the same for me. Now, I'm doing that for our 9 year old daughter and she loves it.

2. Do the things she likes to do.
My wife loves eating out at Red Lobster restaurants. At first, I was not particularly crazy about going with her, but now I try to take her there several times a year. I've come to like their menu, but - hey - it really is about what she likes.

3. Realizing that intimacy is a lot more than "going all the way."
As long as I please her, I'll experience what I need to. I think the U.S. society puts a lot of emphasis on individual sexual fulfillment and if you don't get it, the party is over. In my book, commitment is a bigger part of love than intercourse is.

4. Going the Extra Mile
I do stuff that is unique for my wife. I wrote her a song, recorded it and put up a website on it. We actively participate in marriage enrichment sessions at our church, called Couples Night Out (one date a month to work on our marriage and enjoy each other.) We go to the annual couple's Valentine's Day Mass, renew our wedding vows and have a dinner/dance date.

5. Investing in Learning
I buy and read books on making marriage better. I get a lot of good ideas from them and I try some of them out. We hang out with other couples who commit to making their marriages better. We have good role models in our community that we look up to.

6. Praying Together
We do this every day in a very simple way - when we eat breakfast, at meals, and separately.

I agree with the Secret that Marriage is a Job. It is work. No work, no pay day. I believe that the pay check I receive is growing as best friends for life with my wife.