Where's it all gone

[Guest]

Hi All

I'm 34 and in a long term relationship, coming up to 11 years now.

Where to start? My partner and myself now live with little passion in our lives, my partner these days shows little warmth towards me and all passion even simple touches are rare these days, apart from a light kiss in our greetings and a quick hug (twice a day) and my telling her I love her, it is rare for her to show anything other than that. Our love life is now down to a few times a year which when it does happen is really wonderful and passion filled but I have noticed most offen happens after a bottle or two of wine where her inabitions are lowered.

A few years back my partner sourced help with issuses of her growing up and her parents messy breakup when she was ten, she seemed to move forward after two years of weekly help, her crying stopped at least. But her passion all but died I felt, We both have moved to the country, have lost weight and our health has increased from our prior city live, she has her horses and her dogs, I look after the gardens and develop the property in my spare time. I have worked hard to make sure the place looks nice as this is important to her (moreso than me) and I enjoy the work. I have even gone from a ave body type to a fit muscle bound body type, she is also looking great (which I often tell her) but I never have heard anything in return.

I asked my partner why she now no longer wears dresses or more feminine clothes, everything is either plain business like for work or plain t-shirt and pants for home, she even stopped wearing party dresses to the formal end of year xmas parties, I hate to say this but I have often thought she dresses like stereotypical butch lesbian. I have offered to hold the shopping bags while she shops her heart out, but I have no take up of the offer (she also knows I hate shopping of any kind). I always tell her shes beautiful and looks great, I wolf whistle when she gets ready for work and generally try to make sure she knows I find her attractive and that i'm attracted to her. I never get anything in return.

My biggest down fall is my hate of house work and as we both can work long hours it often needs to be done on the weekend and I see this as time better spent working outside on the property, I have offered many times to employ someone to help with this but she does not want to do that, but feels we should both do our share inside, when that is finished I go to work outside mowing lawns, weeding etc.. while she relaxes or goes horse riding. I have in the past made a real effort with the above and done far more than my share and worked my fingers to the bone, but after much effort over quite a long time I felt I got little to nothing in return.

Now deep down i'm getting bitter and thinking of my next move, I am afraid that effort and my passion towards her is wasted and I would be better moving on and starting again with someone who has less baggage.

But I do love my partner, that is why i'm looking for a little guidance or advice.

[Lonely Canuck]

Guest, I certainly do not have the answers, but I can assure you that you are not alone. I find my self in much the same situation. The sex is gone, the fun is gone - we communicate about raising the kids but as far as anything else, no dice. I do feel though, that she does want to make it better, but is struggling to let go of past hurts (as I am as well). I suppose that since it took us many years to get here, it is optimistic to think that there is a quick fix.

My advice - hang in there. Keep trying new things. If one thing does not work, then try another. The fact that you are still together after 11 years is proof enough that see still sees something in you worthwhile.

[Scott Haltzman]

Hi Guest,
I have a few thoughts, and a lot of questions.

1) Living together is different than marriage. Why do you think you're not married?

2) Does she say she'd like to "get back that luvin feeling"? or does she say she's content with where things are now?

3) Studes show that men who do more housework have better sex lives. Have you found that when you do the housework, she seems happier?

I admire your ability to give her a lot of positive feedback, that's so important for people. It sounds like your given this realtionship a lot of thought and care. I wonder if she would say the same.

S.H.




Please remember: THE SITE DOES NOT PROVIDE MEDICAL ADVICE. The information about relationship, emotional, psychiatric, psychological disorders and treatments diseases contained on this website or through e-mail correspondence is general in nature and is intended for use as an educational and reference. NOTHING CONTAINED IN THE SERVICE IS INTENDED TO BE FOR MEDICAL DIAGNOSIS OR TREATMENT.

[newatthis]

i feel the pain that is being talked about also. I'm 29 and I've been married for a year and some months and already, the romance that was once there has somewhat diminished. Yesterday marked 6 yrs that we've been in each others lives and everyday, my love for her gets stronger and stronger. But it's been like 47 days since we've been intimate and I don't know what else to do. I've talked to her about this, but unfortunately, the conversation either results in an argument or she changes the subject really quick. If there is anyone out there that can give me some kind of advice, please feel free to pass it along.

[Guest]

Hi All

1) Why do you see marriage as being so important? We have talked about it in the past and neither is really bothered with the hassles of family and the massive cost involved. We are not bound by any religion so that is not a factor here either. We have talked about taking a holiday and doing an informal marrage, but that is a little while off due to cost of travel.

2)She is not bothered with getting back that luvin feeling as she has said she does not have any real drive anymore, unlike myself.

3)I'm now trying to do more housework and outings together, but on the down side this puts a lot of stress on me as my down time is very little now, this I will cope with and try my best at.

Is it worth asking some questions to try and air some of our issuses as she has a bad habbit of hiding issues in the cupboard, I will listen and keep my mouth shut but if I don't ask, nothing will be said, is this the better approach. As a male I like to know where things are at, this I think gets many into trouble.

Some ideas?

What can I do to make you happier?

Do you find me as attractive as I find you?

Would you like to go to fiji and get married soon? or would you prefer your new horse stables? (which I will build for her)

Any other ideas that might open those cupboard doors?

[Scott Haltzman]

i feel the pain that is being talked about also. I'm 29 and I've been married for a year and some months and already, the romance that was once there has somewhat diminished. Yesterday marked 6 yrs that we've been in each others lives and everyday, my love for her gets stronger and stronger. But it's been like 47 days since we've been intimate and I don't know what else to do. I've talked to her about this, but unfortunately, the conversation either results in an argument or she changes the subject really quick. If there is anyone out there that can give me some kind of advice, please feel free to pass it along.

Hi NewAt...
It's wonderful to see such devotion and love, and sad to see the distress that the lack of intimacy causes. Sometimes men will be treated as if their sex drive is a problem they just need to "get over." But it's a valuable part of who you are. Somehow she has to learn that, and you have to make it known.
Of course everyone's different, but the premise of my book is that you can't begin to have discussions with her about meeting your needs until she is sure as sh-t that your main objective in life is to meet her needs.
Once that's done, (and it doesn't happen overnight) it doesn't mean that she'll get all hot and bothered; it just means that she'll accept your request for love as something that she wants to give, not something that you want to take from her. Meanwhile, keep track of her cycle. About 2 weeks after the beginning of her last period she'll be most likely to find you sexually appealing.

Please remember: THE SITE DOES NOT PROVIDE MEDICAL ADVICE. The information about relationship, emotional, psychiatric, psychological disorders and treatments diseases contained on this website or through e-mail correspondence is general in nature and is intended for use as an educational and reference. NOTHING CONTAINED IN THE SERVICE IS INTENDED TO BE FOR MEDICAL DIAGNOSIS OR TREATMENT.

[bubba]

To both of the guys who are having problem with a lack of sex. This advice: get therapy.

I completely agree with Scott: Sex part of what we are as men. A man expresses his love mostly through love-making, and all the other stuff--cuddling, gifts, doing housework--is just part of the stuff we do to try to "get down" with the women. A lot of women--maybe most--don't understand this.

I've been married 24 years (to the same woman). We have gone through periods where there's no sex. Most of the time it's because there are some medical issues or there are unidentified emotional issues. If there isn't communication, it ISN'T that the "magic is gone." It's that there's a truth out there that isn't being communicated. The best way to get this truth "out" is to do it in couples therapy.

My wife and I had an agreement when we got married. If either of us wanted to go to therapy, both of us go. We've weathered a lot of storms, and waded through a lot of sh!t--including some bad therapists (like the one who was in the process of divorcing her husband, and who could never see my side of things)--but couples therapy has saved us.

You have to communicate. She has to communicate. Without communication, it's not worth being married.

[Another Male Guest]

Guest, I can't agree with Scott more. Marriage is different than living together. It's not just religion, either; it's a committment that you make legally for each other. It's also a responsibility that you make to each other. It doesn't have to be big or expensive. Probably the best wedding I've had the privelege to attend was held on a beach and consisted of a JotP, his parents, her parents, another couple and my bride and I (and our newborn).

As far as the rest of it goes, you two need to talk. She needs to understand what you feel and why. I'm in a ten-year marriage myself and it ain't always easy. Sometimes, we actually need to devolve into a fight because we don't want to 'hurt each other's feelings' (an excuse we used because we were afraid to say what we really felt). Maybe therapy is needed. Maybe you need to take a trip to Vegas and bring her to a wedding chapel. Something to shake things up and maybe break her out of her shell.

newatthis - I don't know what to tell you. There's always a reason. She may not know it or she may not want to face it. She may be wanting to draw you out. Who knows? I haven't faced this myself so I can't really give advice (since I responded to Guest, I didn't want to ignore you either).

[sadwife]

Hey guys. I am a woman and mother of 3 who has been married for almost 20 years now. I can tell you the main reason that the sex seems to stop after marriage. The #1 reason is that the "courting" stops. Women like to be made to feel "special" to you. Most men after they marry figure they have won the girl so they no longer need to do or say the things that won them the girl in the first place.

Woo her. Everyday without an expectation of sex. That is important. If she thinks you are doing it just to get sex you will get a negative reaction. But if you regularly call her up just to tell her that she is beautiful, or look deeply into her eyes and tell her that you think she is the greatest or something like that, eventually she will be initiating sex.

Don't wait for the prescribed holidays to give gifts or cards. Do it for no reason. Another thing is that you should do it on Valentines day, anniversaries etc. and send them to her at work. It is important for a women to know that her man in not afraid to let everyone know that he loves her.

It is so disaapointing and almost embarrasing for a woman to be the only one at work that doesn't get flowers sent to her on Valentines day. We women feel so envious of those around us who get flowers or candy sent because their man is not afraid to let "everyone" know that he loves his woman. Once a woman in my office was surprised with a singing quartet who came in and sang love songs to her. We were all crying! Boy did we feel unloved that day, because the rest of us didn't anything. Not surprising was the fact that this woman WASN'T married! Us married ladies were the one's who didn't get anything. Women want their man to metaphorically shout from the mountain tops that he loves his woman, they don't want it to just be assumed or implied due to the sheer fact that they are married.

Don't leave your lady sitting at the table at a party or a dance being the lonely gal who didn't get asked to dance. Men seem to stop dancing when they get married. Funny how when they were dating they could boogie with the best of them. Suddenly after marriage they develop two left feet and refuse to dance, even slow dance. She doesn't want to drag you out there to dance, she wants you to ask her!

Don't ask her what she wants for her birthday, or Christmas! She expects you to know! Listen throughout the year there will be hints and clues! She listens to you and you don't even realize it. When you see her repeatedly glancing at something while you're at the mall, make a note of it, go back and buy it for her! Wow, that will knock her off her feet and yes it's true don't buy her appliances, or practical things. Buy her things that most likely she won't buy herself, but something that she really wants.

Don't tell her that you want to have sex! Major turn off! Be spontaneous! Announcing to your woman that you want to "get some" tonight will be send her into a tailspin real fast of how to get out of it. This makes us feel like a piece of meat rather than being loved, which is what turns us on. A smarter idea would be to call her at work that day and say honey, I have missed you this week, want to go out to dinner tonight, just us? Take her out, talk to her, listen to her, laugh and have fun, the rest will happen naturally. Don't sit in the restaurant and look over her back and watch the game on the bar television either! That will bring everything to a screetching halt. Let her know you love her by being totally into her, not letting other things distract you from paying her your undivided attention.

Sorry for such a long post, but these are my personal frustrations when it comes to intimacy. I can't feel intimate and "in the mood" if I don't feel connected to my husband. If I haven't talked with him all week, and all of the sudden he is pawing on me, that doesn't put me in the mood. Emotional connection=sexual connection.

[Guest]

I am truly sorry for sadwife. As a male I do agree with many of her points. My wife and I have been married for over 30-years and our sex-life is better than it has ever been. To what do I attribute this?

1) The kids are grown or at least away at college.
2) We are truly committed to the intimate part of our relationship.
3) I travel every week for work, but I talk to my wife every night and frequently will send her a little note late in the week to get her thinking in the direction of intimacy. (She has told me I should write Harlequin romances.)
4) We focus on pleasing one another. My wife loves to be massaged and have lotion put on her dry skin. So I do that. There is no Quid Pro Quo involved, but guess what we usually are both very happy when we fall asleep.
5)Perhaps most importantly I let her know that to meshe is the most importatnt person on earth and that nothing will ever change that.

We have had rough times like every couple, but we have been determined to get through them and have done so. She is not a very good housekeeper, as long as other aspects of our relationship is good who cares!

We have gotten to a place where she knows that no one understands here or cares for her the way I do. And I know the reverse is also true.

[whome112]

sadwife: Please realize that your problem is one of your husband & marriage. Blaming "men" is a bad and sexist habit which contributes to the problem. Most men have been so bombarded with similar messages that we simply ignore them. There is now mounting evidence showing that misandry, in and of itself, can cause exactly the problems you complain of. (misandry is to men what misogyny is to women)

My advice is communication. You and your husband need to talk in an environement wherein neither feels threatened or judged.

In other posts here I have suggested the kitchen chair method of close talking. It requires two people willing to work out the problem and often requires an external referee. That said, it is a method which has a lot of merit.

whome

[guestor]

Hi All

I'm 34 and in a long term relationship, coming up to 11 years now.

Where to start? My partner and myself now live with little passion in our lives, my partner these days shows little warmth towards me and all passion even simple touches are rare these days, apart from a light kiss in our greetings and a quick hug (twice a day) and my telling her I love her, it is rare for her to show anything other than that. Our love life is now down to a few times a year which when it does happen is really wonderful and passion filled but I have noticed most offen happens after a bottle or two of wine where her inabitions are lowered.

A few years back my partner sourced help with issuses of her growing up and her parents messy breakup when she was ten, she seemed to move forward after two years of weekly help, her crying stopped at least. But her passion all but died I felt, We both have moved to the country, have lost weight and our health has increased from our prior city live, she has her horses and her dogs, I look after the gardens and develop the property in my spare time. I have worked hard to make sure the place looks nice as this is important to her (moreso than me) and I enjoy the work. I have even gone from a ave body type to a fit muscle bound body type, she is also looking great (which I often tell her) but I never have heard anything in return.

I asked my partner why she now no longer wears dresses or more feminine clothes, everything is either plain business like for work or plain t-shirt and pants for home, she even stopped wearing party dresses to the formal end of year xmas parties, I hate to say this but I have often thought she dresses like stereotypical butch lesbian. I have offered to hold the shopping bags while she shops her heart out, but I have no take up of the offer (she also knows I hate shopping of any kind). I always tell her shes beautiful and looks great, I wolf whistle when she gets ready for work and generally try to make sure she knows I find her attractive and that i'm attracted to her. I never get anything in return.

My biggest down fall is my hate of house work and as we both can work long hours it often needs to be done on the weekend and I see this as time better spent working outside on the property, I have offered many times to employ someone to help with this but she does not want to do that, but feels we should both do our share inside, when that is finished I go to work outside mowing lawns, weeding etc.. while she relaxes or goes horse riding. I have in the past made a real effort with the above and done far more than my share and worked my fingers to the bone, but after much effort over quite a long time I felt I got little to nothing in return.

Now deep down i'm getting bitter and thinking of my next move, I am afraid that effort and my passion towards her is wasted and I would be better moving on and starting again with someone who has less baggage.

But I do love my partner, that is why i'm looking for a little guidance or advice.

Have you considered this a medical condition and really nothing to do with how she feels about you?

We are all about chemicals. Our sexuality is even more chemically oriented than other aspects about us. She might be having a chemical reaction that's put her emotionally and sexually into neverland (pun intended).

We know some medications will stop a man's desire while others will sabotage sexual ability. So why can't we consider it's not about us but maybe about her being in a chemical transitional period?

[sadwife]

Thank you guest. You hit the nail right on the head! The most imporant reason that you and your wife have a successful marriage is that you [let her know] that she is the most important person on earth to you and that nothing will ever change that.

I would be interested to know how you let her know that.

As far as the response from whome112, I do not believe I practice misandry! I love many things male. I love their strength, their ability to be rationale in the face of adversity, their ability to do math very well, their sense of direction, their ability to repair things and many more.

I actually consider myself an anti-feminist. I don't believe that women should be attempting to do traditionally male jobs, they just aren't as strong, or as adept at certain things that males are, it is a fact that we are different.

In fact I believe that the feminist movement is largely responsible for the decline of the American family and for part of the horrible divorce rates in this country. I don't appreciate being lumped into the feminist category because I didn't ask for society to be the way it is. This started happening when I was a little girl and I have never liked it.

I believe women harbor a lot of anger which is misdirected toward men due to the feminist movement. Unfortunately because of the feminist movement men have now become conditioned to think that women are just as responsible to provide for the family (financially) as the man. Yet deep down they still believe that the women's place is in the home, and that she is primarily responsible for the home, the child care etc. Which is true. It is her innate, inborn sense of being a caretaker that lends to her ability to do and enjoy these types of duties. Conversely she does not find it easy to work outside of the home still be responsible for the majority of the household duties.

This is messed up. Men do not find it natural to be a caretaker or homemaker and the feminists that say that they do are full of it. I don't want to be the breadwinner in my family anymore that he wants to be the wife. Thanks feminists for screwing everything up, is what I think!

I don't have all the answsers and I don't pretend that everything is my husbands fault. I accept blame as well for a lot of things.

What I want and need is respect (not going out after work drinking with buddies, not calling and not aswering cell phone), friendship (listening when I need to talk, not trying to fix it, just listening), and most importantly making me and our marriage the #1 priority in his life, it seems to me most of the time it is the exact opposite at least that it how it appears. He may think differently on the inside but his actions show me otherwise.

[happy in PA]

You ask how I let my wife know how important she is to me. Well for one thing I tell her. In words just as straightforward as I can be I tell her, "You are the most important person in this world to me."

I'm not very good about gifts, but I try to make up for it in other ways. I work on websites and last year for Valentine's Day (we were apart as she was on a mission trip in Mexico) I created a web-site for her to view titled, "Why Do I Love You". My wife has dry skin, so I always make sure we have some up-scale skin lotions in the house which I will warm and then massage into her body. This is by no means an every evening event, but she knows that all she has to do is say, "I need some attention" and I know enough to heat the lotion and spend some time with her. While there is no "quid pro quo" most of the time my attention to her desires leads to attention to my desires as well.

Since I travel I have set up webcams so we can see each other while we are apart. I also e-mail her regularly when I am away and as I get closer to the end of the week will send her sexy notes reminding her desirable I still find her.

Silly as it may sound I sometimes will do something as simple as asking her, "How am I doing?". This lets her know that I have not taken US for granted and want to know how I am doing as her husband. (My apology to Ed Koch the former mayor of NY. He used to use that line in press conferences, etc frequently.)

I frequently will say things like, "Stick with me for another year?", or last night I asked something like, "Give me another 30-years?".

This is not something that came easily. We have over 30-years together. some have been great. Some haven't. We had three-years many years ago that almost broke us apart, but we worked through it.

We have maintained our sense of humor and laugh at ourselves. On our 25th anniversary our kids threw a party for us. While we were dancing I said, "Thanks for 22 wonderful years." My wife reminded me that this was our 25th anniversary and I replied, "Hey 22 out of 25 isn't bad." That got me both a laugh and loving slap on the shoulder.

This is longer than I meant to be, but I hope the point gets across. There is no one answer to how to let a person know how important they are to you. The bottom line is, "Happily Ever After is what happen after a lot of hard work."

Happy in PA

[sadwife]

Wow,

It's sound like you have it figured out Happy in PA. It really isn't that hard we just like to hear words! Not just once a year, but regularly. You say you aren't good at gifts, baloney! You're website was a gift! Sounds like a wonderful gift to me! I would much rather have something like that from the heart than flowers or candy! Way to go! Great job!

Your wife is so lucky!