Advice- First Posting

[skylar]

I'm under 30 and not married but in the last six months I have moved in with my boyfriend. I had not planned to move in together until we got engaged. We've been dating for 3 years but have known eachother for 5 years.

Basically, our sex life is boring for me. We have sex less than once a month and I find it boring. I crave sex, but 1 to 2 times a week would be enough for me.

The background is. I used to travel a lot for my job. I could be away up to 6 weeks at a time (about 4 months a year in total) and work 6-7 days a week, with most weekdays from 8am to 11-1am from November until May. During November until May, I'm pretty tired and have a lot of difficulty relaxing because of stress from my job and I recognise the difficulty in taking care of my partner when I can hardly take care of myself. One of the reasons I moved in, was that I would hardly see my partner if I didn't sleep in the same bed at night- which isn't "real" time together. I'm also very bad at managing our social life during these months which has caused a bit of frustration for him as he's a very organised person.

My boyfriend lost his job about 1.5 years ago. Since then he has been starting his own business and has had numerous setbacks along the way. He's 6 months away from having to find a job based on our agreement that we made 1.5 years ago.

So basically, I feel as if we are living to separate existences. If I can, I like to bed in bed and asleep for 11 and am up at 6:30 every morning. My partner on the hand is up until 1am and will sleep in until 8am (which is when I leave or am at the office already). Also, we have a TV in bedroom. So, if he comes to bed, or if we get into bed together he watches tv. (When he used to work we went to bed together and got up together)

It's seems as if sex just isn't convienent anymore. He recently got an ipad so now he watches the ipad with earphones and gets into bed with me every night. So now we're together, but still no sex. Last time we had sex he was concerned that I was going to be late to visit my grandmother.

So, I basically don't feel desired, which seems of somewhat a common theme on this message board. I know my boyfriend finds me attractive and stills seems to get a thrill when we go out and other men oogle at me and he stares them down. I tolerate this as I want him to want me but I'm not thrilled about feeling like a fire hydrant. I've tried lingerie.. which doesn't excite him as he has indicated that he much prefers pratical cutesy boyshorts. I've tried sexy talk.. to which a cocks one eye brow and asks me why I am talking like that. I tried to talk about sexual fantasies and he tells me he's never really considered that. (which I hardly believe.) I've tried to talk about anal sex, which he has indicated he doesn't like. I just want some variety and am happy to try most things once.

In the end, he's aboslutely my best friend and he makes me laugh!!! I dated guy all through university who had a insatiable sex drive, and we tried to negotiate through that at the time. My current boyfriend is completely different with his sex drive. I wonder is it normal for a man of 30 to only want sex once a month? Or is it our relationship?

I make effort to touch him in a non-sexual every day. I also attempt to complement him every day as I've read some website up to now that indicate that it's hard to feel intimate with someone when you don't feel that they respond positively to you.

We aren't going split but I want an open and intimate relationship on all levels. I've briefly talked to girlfriends about this, and they tell me that this is not normal, however, I'm hesitant to talk to them because I feel like any problems I have in my relationship should be directed to my partner.. the only one who can actually help. However, we've talked about this a couple times and he feels that I'm tired... which I am Nov-May but I don't think I notice his advances even if I were to try and "wake up." Also of particular concern my friends have indicated that they think my boyfriend is the kind of guy that would put on a facade if something was really wrong. However, we're able to comfortable pay our bills for now.

When we do sex it tends to be in afternoon. At bedtime he's normally too tired or wants to watch tv.

So does anyone have any thoughts on what I can do? I've started wondering if he's seeing someone else.. which I've joked about, but I don't thnk he's that kind of guy and I don't think it's healthy to joke with him about this or for me to think this. I know that he truly loves me, but I also know that his natural reaction is not communicate how he's feeling, but I also don't want to nag him. I want to respect him and allow him to be who is in our relationship. I've taken to masturbation, but I still feel like some need should be met in our relationship. Is that wrong?

So.. how to get what I need consider our lifestyle? Any thoughts?

I know that there is no normal and wrong in a relationship, but there a little person inside of me that still thinks like that.

Thoughts?

[socialdistortion]

Dear Skylar,

You are dating a 30 year old man, who has no job, takes his ipod to bed and doesn’t want sex? I could not even get past the ‘no job’ requirement! If he is this disinterested in sex when he doesn’t even have any responsibility, imagine what he will be like when he is stressed…


I suggest you break up with him and find someone who more closely matches your style. Yes, he might be funny and like boyshorts but tons of other men have these same 2 qualities. I think 5 years is a good stopping point now.

Good luck,

Social D.

[ThunderHorse]

There are courses in sleep management. Your boyfriend may be stgressed out, and need to learn how to relax, and concentrate more.

There are goverment programs paying tuition. Times are tough, and getting tougher for a while longer.

How do you help his Ego? Being an unemployed man with a girl friend may need some ego boosting.

What do you tell him to be encouraging? What is blocking him from getting his own business going?

What about government contractor work?



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