After 12 years! I am losing her....

[2rude4u]

HELP ME PLEASE!! After 12 yearsof marriage, my wife has suddenly withdrawn and told me she wants to leave. We have 2 children, 8 and 12 years of age. I know we both love them unconditionally, but she has suddenly fell out of love with me!

She explained to me that over the last 6 of our 12 year marriage that she has lost all of her love for me. She feels that it would be best if she moved out and wants me to share a lawyer with her to get a divorce. I know that I grew comfortable in our marriage and have not made her feel special in a long time. My love for her has never changed, but she has lost all of her feelings for me. I am crushed and scared.

My wife has always been a scocial butterfly. She enjoys spending long nights having beers and conversation with our friends. As our children have grown and my ocupation become more demanding, I have slowly stopped going out with her to spend quality time with my kids and hobbies. This NEVER slowed her down. I trusted her with all my heart and I knew everyone she was with. Over the last year, alot has changed. She lost a very good 12 year career, began recieving unemployment, going out to bars with her new single girlfriends, and stopped asking me to go with her. Her unemployment ran out, our fianances have crashed, and she met another man. She told me that they are just friends, but that they had kissed once. She promised me that it was a mistake and that absolutely nothing else sexually happened between them. She told me that they agreed to keep their relationship as friends only, but does not understand why I get so upset that they still talk.

Her family supports me and she remains at home. She is very cold. She explains to me that she has lost all of her feelings for me. I tell her daily that I love her and she does not reply. I try to touch her and she pulls away. She explains to me that she doesn't see me like she use to. I give her gifts and try to do nice things for her. This only upsets her more. She tells me that these actions are after the fact. That they are meaningless to her now that I know how she feels. She refuses t go to counsling and her mom is helping me get our fianances straightened out.

She has since started a new part time job and remains in the home. She says that she is only doing her job. Going to work and being a mom. She explains that her family told her that if she leaves me that they will dis-own her. So, she will continue to stay home like a robot.

I want her to be happy. I want her to love me and let me show her how much I love her. What can I do? The more I try, the more she pushes away. I feel like I failed her! Help me reach her before its too late...for my sake and the sake of my collapsing family.

Thank you for your help!!!

[elizacol]

Along with Dr. Haltzman's books, another great source (both helped me immensely) is divorcebusters.com. There is also a book by the same/similar title. I would encourage you to check 1/both out.

Best of luck to you.

[ThunderHorse]

The Love Diet and 180 Degree Divorce Busters are discussed on this forum. You can do a search for discussions on those books. Showing your love her is better than telling her.

You don't mention your listening skills. There are two chapters in the Men's Secrets books on listening. Search Listening on this website forum.

When does she see this other man? How can the contect be cut back? How could a no-contact letter be written?

What are yhou doing about your family budget? What about your parenting strategies? what parenting books/dvd's do you like? getting on the sam page for parenting cAn be important. hER AHPPPINESS COULD COME LARGELY FROM HER COORDINATION OF PARENTING CHALLENGES WITH YOU.


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[2rude4u]

Thank you for listening and for your feedback!

I have recently learned that I need to give her some room. I am trying to win her love back and says she feels smothered. I just don't want to give up! I try so hard to act like I don't care...but I just can't help telling her she is beautiful! Her mom and her brother are very upset with her and tell her she is wrong and selfish. This just seems to make her more angry at me!

She swears to me that her and this guy are strickly friends. She explaind that when she goes over to hang out, that there is several other people there. She says that she is not looking for anything more than friends right now and that she would never hurt me. However, it still hurts when I know she is going over there. When I tell her that its not right and that I am having a hard time believing that nothings going on, she rolls her eyes and tells me they are just friends. It makes me feel weak and like a failure for not breaking this guys jaw and telling her to get out! But what kind of father would I be if I went to this extreme. She made this choice and admits to doing so. She is in no hurry to fix our marriage. This makes me feel pretty stupid and like a failure. I keep trying to fix things and she doesn't really care. Thats so hard to swallow after 12years and 2 beautiful kids. I like your idea of a no-contact letter....what is this exactly?

She is an excellent mom and we do talk often about keeping our kids happy. She has said that she wants me to keep the house and she is going to move in with her girl friend. She wants me to give them as much of a normal life as possible. If this happens, it will take some time as she has no substantial income.

My mother-in-law stepped up and helped us get our fianances managed by giving us a low interest loan. She came to our house andI waked her through our debt. She is an incredibly caring and is trying to understand what my wife is thinking. She is deeply hurt by my wifes bad decisions.

What did you mean when you said that her happiness could come largely from her coordination of parenting challenges with me? Did you mea that while working these challenges out, that it could be a way of re-connecting?

Thanks again for you help!

[ThunderHorse]

Thank you for listening and for your feedback!
What did you mean when you said that her happiness could come largely from her coordination of parenting challenges with me? Did you mea that while working these challenges out, that it could be a way of re-connecting?

You did mention listening skills.

Here is an outline for listening from a post b y Social Distortion:


"1. When someone has said something, try repeating back what you heard. Then ask, “Did I get that right?”

2. If you heard wrong, seek clarification.

3. If you heard right, ask if there’s anything else the speaker would like to share.

4. Continue to seek clarification until the speaker says he or she feels heard.

5. Finally summarize what you heard. By then, if you have a different point of view, the person you are talking to it will be open to hear it. "

http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... highlight=
3rd post.

There afrde listening courses, and seminarsl



If your wife thinks you can handle the kids, then you may not be giving your wife sufficient meaningful recognition for her parentiing input.


PARENTING

3 Parenting Refs Posted on Thread:

http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... .php?t=529




Web MD Article
http://www.webmd.com/parenting/guide/10 ... -teenagers



Gary Smalley
http://www.iquestions.com/video/view/218


Parenting with Dignity
http://www.parentingwithdignity.com/




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