Hi everyone. I'm a new member. I've looked through the boards and haven't been able to find a similair thread...so here it goes.
I"m a stay at home, homeschooling, mother of 4 (ages 5-10). Been married 10 years, and I"m 28...DH 29. Dh works offshore and he's gone 4 weeks and home for 2.
When we first were together, my sex drive was very high and it wasn't uncommon for us to be together 3-4 times a day. When we started having kids, we had to plan a bit more around the nap schedule, but it still maintained that for awhile. About three years ago, it sunk into an average of twice a day. And about a year ago, it sunk again into an average of once a day. (Please keep in mind, when he's home...he has no job to do...so it's not like if it were a 9 to 5 and he's gone most the day and coming home exhausted.)
Maybe 18 months ago, we were reading something about women faking it for their DH and he asked about it. I replied that yes it happened. He asked how much, and I replied that I"m really into it about 1/4 of the time. At that point, it was about twice a day...so on average, 3-4 times a week I was in the mood. This crushed him and it made it much more difficult for both of us. He started to become super aware and I couldn't fake it as easily.
ABout the same time, he started to become more vocal about certain things. We would always talk about everything. I"m a woman of a lot of hobbies and interests, and I"d always talk to my best friend about it. WEll, it came out that he really doesn't care at all about gardening, redecorating, remodeling, etc, etc, etc. WHich, I know what you're all thinkg....shocker....guy's not into gardening...who'd a thunk it?! BUt the fact was that at that point, we'd been together for 10 years and had had 4 children and I figured that we were beyond being polite. SO if he was still talking with me baout these things...he must actually be one of the rare guys who liked those things. Lucky me.
So at the same time, he found out I wasn't always so hot and ready and I found out that I have very little in common with him. I felt like a lost my best friend. And if the difference between marriage and friendship is sex....and you have no friendship....I feel like I"m now a kept woman.
He's become, over these last few years, more and more self centered and while we talk some 6000 minutes a month on the phone....I barely say anything because he doesn't hear it....or doesn't agree with it...or cuts in and starts talking about something else...etc, etc. So I just stopped talking mostly. However, when he's home, I"m still aiming for at least once a day, if not twice....but now I have to make it look spectacular for him to remain in the mood.
ANd if I don't.....he gets into horrible moods (similiar to a child who doesn't get chocolate milk and is pouting), or I'm worried he'll go somewhere else (which IMO is a valid concern since so many do go somewhere else), and if I just do it with a smile....the mood of the house can stay nice, vs what feels like a battleground.
SLowly my sex drive had plummeted, and the last few times he was home, I might have been interested a total of 3-4 times. I've tried talking to him about it, maybe so he could be helpful and work with me to get my drive back...which would be helpful at least in the bedroom on my side of things....but he takes it personally and we end up with a horrible fight and so I"ll drop it and continue on with what "works". But at this point, I feel I"m working over time everyday of the year and not that I need an award, but no one takes notice at all.....he's the only one who knows about our sex life (well...up till now), and he thinks I"m into it as well because that's what I have to do to keep him happy. And it doesn't end when he's gone because with skype and cell phones, we're still "together" about 3-4 times a week when he's on the boat.
He's a good provider and a good father....but lately he's been a bad friend and he doesn't notice me at all. Should we even try counseling? I"m very opposed to it since so many fully advocate the use of MORE sex.....he has REAL needs....if you're there for him, he'll be there for you. But it doesn't work ever. He has a great life and I feel like it's all just a big set up from me. SHould we look into divorce? SHould I just hold on another 10 years till the kids are grown and then be able to go out and do my own thing (because his lack of interest in many things limits me....we can't go out of country because of his politics...but I'd love to travel...I don't garden anymore because he's not interested and it takes time away from him while he's home)?
ANy advice, especailly a man's perspective, would be helpful.
Thanks.