New Member- Marriage problems or not? warning LONG

[YIZZLE]

Hey guys,

I've been reading a lot from the forum the past week or so. Decided to join.

Here's my story

newly 41yo male married for almost 7 years ..shes 43 ( 13 years together) 2 kids, daughter 6 mine, stepson 16.

I really feel ridiculous writing this as it seems from reading, my issued seems rather light compared with some.

Anyway, my wife and i are both scorpios and have a strong physical attraction towards each other. not much has changed in the 13 yrs until a few months ago. My wife had mentioned to me a few times that she needs help in the house and with my daughter. My wife works a f/t stressful, important job. I own 2 businesses, 1 of which is very demanding and seasonal. My wife would complain to me constantly that i did "nothing" never mind the big mortgage that i take care of, no matter what i did, it constituted doing nothing. She'd get mad, then would forget about it and a few months later she would tell me again that she needed help. I have to point out that my wife is a perfectionist and most of the time, she likes all the stress and workload on her shoulders. I was guilty of allowing that to happen. I would try to help her when she'd ask me for it, but didnt have that much motivation as she always would do the work. This included taking my daughter and stepson to school and picking them up, light cleaning, emptying the dishwasher...doing laundry for herself and the two kids...I do my own.

About me, before everyone rips me. I dont smoke, I am not a drinker, I dont go to titty bars or bars in general. I am loyal and trustworthy and a good provider.

A few months ago I started to notice that my wife would kiss me during sex...i mean passionately. She would carve out 10 minutes for me a few times a week and it would be "quickies" She would be into it while we were doing it. I am an emotional guy and would ask her why she doesnt kiss me. Well, she finally tells me that she resents me and is very angry inside. I dont blame her one bit.

fast foward about 1 month ago..My wife goes to ny ( where im from) with one of her girlfriends from work...while there i basically ruin her trip by calling and texting her to death over something i saw on her facebook profile. I wasnt seeing where it said she was married like it did in the past. For me, it was like getting kicked in the chest. after 30 min of constant texting, she finally responded and said i was a lunatic. she was unable to get reception in the restaurant...needless to say, it was this way back and forth for the duration of her trip.

when she returned, i had spent those 5 days completeley cleaning our house from top to bottom, doing some repairs, laundry etc. She was somewhat cold to me, so i asked what the problem was...she said she needed her space and that i was causing her too much stress..she said she wanted to be by herself...omg...i thought i was gonna die...for the next week or so, she was iffy. never any definitive answer about what she wanted to do, just that she needed her space. she said she loved me and even initiated sex 3 or 4 times during the few weeks after she was back. I was completely confused. A few times she'd initiate and then stop and say she cant do it...holy shit..I was like what are you doing to me. well guess what? the last time we had sex was nov 28 and nothing to this point now, other than one night last week where she initiated again and again pushed me away. I tried to give her space but its difficult. I miss her. We sleep in the same bed we kiss and hug each other in the morning and night, but nothing else.

I decided I would be the best husband I could be. Since the time she was in ny i have kept up my part and then some. I worked my butt off with the house cleaning for five days. I bought her all kinds of perfume and made her a basket, I help with the grocery shopping, walk the dogs, bathe my daughter, dishes, and have given my wife lots of extra money.
Now those are things i should be doing anyway. I rub my wifes feet, scratch her head, back, butt, arms, etc...I also tell i love her about 5 times a day and leave notes and cards in her pocketbook telling her how much i love her and what a great mom she is. I was never an asshole or anything, just allowed my wife to do more than her share.

Its been about 10 days for me with no sex...i know that im nuts for even saying that, but her and I have always been very sexually attracted to each other. The other day i was telling her how im nervous and afraid because i didnt know if i'd be able to handle no sex, no affection for 6,8 or 12 months. she said It wont be that long. That she cant live this way for that long. I said does that mean you will forgive me? she said yes eventually. I gave her a big hug and kiss and said " i can live with that"

She is away on a womens retreat trying to relax from all the stress and demands on her. She doesnt go out much with her friends and the stress has caught up with her. I havent bugged her at all since she's been gone...she went yesterday and will home sunday. She found my card that i left in her purse and called me during her lunch break...not a big deal except for the past few months, she'd barely call me or even im me even though we're both on aol. It was a big deal for me. She sounded soooo sweet. it was nice to hear. ive been doing nice things and telling her i love her everyday, and complimenting her too. she was texting me last night telling me she missed me and loves me...I said "no I really love you......the forever kind" she said "me2" it was the first time in a month that I actually felt good.

we did meet with a counselor...first meeting was last week. gave us some exercises to work on. First day was very difficult as my wife has a lot of anger and resentment built up towards me. She yell at me for everything i did or said...even when i was helping her fold her laundry.

I know ive gone in every direction and left out lots of things, but i wanted to just make a few points

1. I found out that its not difficult at all to help around the house. so do it, its your house too. she will notice, my wife did and does, and acknowledges it.

2. Dont constantly tell her how you feel, especially if its lack of sex...they dont wanna hear it...believe me..

3. tell her u love her every single day. I feel like such a heel for not telling her everyday...u bet your ass i do now. women love to be loved, so tell them as much as you can.

4. stop promising things....talk is cheap...just do it

5. Rub her back or her feet

6. do whatever you can do each day to make her happy....I assure you, if you try a little each day to make her happy, she will respond in a positive way towards you....might not be the next day or the next week, but she will.

and finally

7. Men we all know we never win an argument. Women dont fight fair. They eliminate logic from all the arguments. stop the bickering back and forth. dont get into a fight that you're gonna lose anyway. kill her with kindness and she will in turn do the same.........eventually

Im lucky i didnt wait too much longer to show my wife how much i love her. I really dont know how she is gonna be when she gets home on sunday but i keep on trying to show her i love her.

I am very happy to have found an outlet for everything that's going on with our marriages. I thought i was the only one in town that wasnt getting sex or affection from their wives. I am learning that marriage is something that you need to work on constantly. I learned that instead of complaining about us not doing things together, that i need to make it happen. I need to plan it and grab her and go. not expect her to be my activities director.

I'm done for now...sorry so long.....got a million things on my mind..thanks for listening.

[Scott Haltzman]

This is a good example of how fragile relationships can be, and how using good marriage skills can help to heal things.
Don't apologize for it being too long, it sounds like it's been a process!

Scott

[ThunderHorse]

If I have a criticism of my wife, or a request for a change, I try to prepare succinct words to describe the change I want. I keep my short speech in my ready pocket calendar, and wait for an appropriate time for when we are alone, and some topic close to what I want to discuss, has come up.

I try to leave her room/space to not immediately agree wtih my request, and envison bringing up the topic at another time.


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[ThunderHorse]

You do not mention your attention to listening skills. Most men are not naturally good listeners to the perspectives of women. There are two chapters in the Men's Secrets book on listening, and a number of threads on this forum,

http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... .php?t=559



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[YIZZLE]

You do not mention your attention to listening skills. Most men are not naturally good listeners to the perspectives of women. There are two chapters in the Men's Secrets book on listening, and a number of threads on this forum,

http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... .php?t=559



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i guess i am guilty of trying to be a problem solver for my wife. Thinking on it, I would say that while she's talking, I am trying to provide feedback and problem solve, instead of just shutting up and listening.

[ThunderHorse]

I had to re-orient my thinking on listening. I used to think I was a good listener because I could understand people, on a technical level, and ask intelligent questions to gain an understanding of the situation they were describing. But quality emotional listening to a wife venting, means giving encouragement, without really trying to understand the situation they are talking about.



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[YIZZLE]

we are seeking a new counselor...the other one is a holy roller and wouldnt respect us and not make jesus/god the focus...

it seems that when she is mad aggravate, that she lashes out the most. I seem to aggravate her when i "nit pick" when I dont, she is ok

There still is no intimacy, currently 16 days and now she doesnt even acknowledge me when i tell her i love her...even though she has told me she does. She hasnt been feeling well, she has tinnitus and had an episode yesterday.

I continue to do the things i am supposed to do to help but cannot help getting frustrated, aggravated without affection....unless you count her laying on me and me rubbing her back, butt, head etc.. one thin im not, is patient.

she says i cannot expect her to get over a few years of me not helping in a month...am i just being too impatient, inconsiderate???? I love my wife and do not want to be with anyone else sexually.

What do i do if she does what she did a few weeks ago and initiates with me? do i give in or do i say no? well let me just say, i cant say no...so forget that.

do i keep doing what im doing and hope she comes around?

btw i ordered the book and it should be here today

[ThunderHorse]

Massage skills can be important. What can you add on, as the massage progresses?

What compliments have you given her?

What are some examples of when you thought of being a problem solver, and switched to encouraging venting?

What are some little things you have been over-looking?




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[psychclass101]

I read your whole post and I do not think that it was too long. I can see things from both your and your wifes point of view. It sounds like you are having some problems with communication and also with the aspect of your wifes feelings. You talk about the fact that you have listened to your wife and have tried to help, I commend you for that. Listening is a good thing for any relationship.
I'm a student in a psychology class and actually it was todays class that we talked about this type of issue and what needs to be done. Dr Haltzman who has 25 years of marriage counseling experience is the author of three books, one of which has some advice that I think would be beneficial to you. Dr Haltzman has a book called The Secret of Happily Married Men, The Secret of Happily Married Women and the Secrets of Happily Married Families. In these books, there are things that they say that men can do to make their marriages more successful and their wives happier. The first step was to make marriage your job.
I think this is true. You spend a lot of time at work making sure things go great and your customers are happy. Your marriage should be just as important. I think that your wife needs to see that you are just as committed to her needs as you are to everything else in your life. It sounds like you are off to a great start by listening, helping around the house and showing her that you appericate her by leaving little notes and cards to surprise her.