Postby ThunderHorse » Thu May 19, 2011 10:26 pm

What does she see in him?

How are your unconditionhal listening skills? Venting 15 min per day?

Which of her needs are your fulfilling? What needs does the other man fulfill? How can you be more competitive?

When you make these demands for fidelity, are you doing this in a bullying manner, or a loving manner?

Why do you love her? In what ways does your wive give you support?

What compliments do you give her? What more compliments could you mention?

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Re: Wife had affair and I suspect on-going online contact

Postby loveyourspouse » Tue Dec 06, 2011 12:45 pm

First off i'd like to start off by saying how deeply sorry I am for what is happening to you. I understand what your going through. The same thing happened to me a couple years ago with my girlfriend. It started with me suspecting she was texting and calling another guy and it ended with me walking in on them hooking up. Seeing someone you really care about go behind your back is the worst feeling in the world. It feels like she took your heart out and stepped on it, right? Before you were married were there ever any indications that she had feelings for this old high school friend? Was this an old boyfriend that she had for a long time in high school?

I'm a college student at CCRI and I have learned many different theories about marriage. In your case I think your problem falls under, Cohabitation. This means you and your wife are married but she is seeking sexual intimacy from an outside person. This is beginning to be more of a common occurrence in newly married couples today, but in the end most are set up to fail if such alternatives are taken. So your not alone in all this by any means. Also many couples believe this is a "trial marriage" to see if there are still feelings for their husband or wife. In this sense your wife might be testing the love for you.

My advice is simple. Tell her how you really feel about her continuing to talk to her friend even after she promised she'd cut off communication. Ask her if she still loves you. Tell her you want to do whatever it takes to keep your marriage going but if she can't meet you halfway you have to give your wife an ultimatum and tell her its either you or her friend. Don't give her anymore chances if she continues to be in communication with this man, you need to take some time away and re-evaluate your marriage. I wish you the best of luck with your marriage, I hope she comes to her senses and realizes who she's hurting.

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Re: Wife had affair and I suspect on-going online contact

Postby devine14 » Tue Dec 06, 2011 2:57 pm


It is very clear that you are having a hard time trying to get your wife to cut off ties with an old “friend.” I’m sorry that you have to deal with such a horrible situation. You said that it was with a high school friend and a college flame are these two different people and if so do you know whether or not she has had relations with both of them while you two have been married, or is it just one person? Unfortunately either way I am sure that it has been very hard for you to deal with this situation. I know that you had said that you have brought this problem to her attention but have you thought that maybe there has been something, besides her actions that has changed in your relationship that may have caused her to stray from your marriage? How is the intimacy of your relationship? How long have you two been married and how long into your marriage did she start talking to this person so regularly?

My psychology professor says that when two people get married, their “true selves” do not show until at least the second year of marriage. I am not sure that this would apply to your situation, however if it has been less than 2 years for you than it maybe something to consider. Also something to think about is the reasons that someone would stray from their current marriage to be with someone that is not their spouse. My professor says that some of the reason that people are unfaithful is because they are dissatisfied with the current relationship they are in, they need to be sure that they are still attractive and desirable, and also because they maybe strongly attracted to another person. Although these are not things that you may want to hear, it is something to take into consideration.

It seems like you have already gone through a number of possible solutions to stop this affair your wife is involved in. I am sorry to hear that none of them have worked for you. Sometimes although we love someone, we cannot change the way they behave. Something to consider is whether or not you and your wife are meant to be together. She seems to not be taking any interest in discontinuing contact with this person, or people, and in the meantime you are trying to come up with a solution. I would suggest that you start looking out for yourself and your well being if she continues acting the way she has.

Again I am sorry to hear about your situation. I wish you the best of luck with everything!
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Re: Wife had affair and I suspect on-going online contact

Postby fryguy1209 » Sat Dec 01, 2012 11:36 pm

I understand that your wife has been having regular contact with another man. From the onset you suspected there was more than a friendship and it was in fact an affair. After you found out about the affair she told you she would stop speaking with him, however she continued contact with this person. And after several attempts by you to prevent your wife and this man from contacting each other, they continue to do so.

Dr. Misiurski says “sustained satisfaction in close relationships depends on the time and effort people put into them." In your situation you have addressed your concerns with your wife and she gave you the impression that she would stop speaking with this man, yet continues to keep in contact with him. There is something about this relationship with the other person that she finds fulfilling. By continuing to speak with this man she is sustaining that satisfaction with him rather than you.

Dr. Haltzman says "let your wife talk, and let her know you're listening." He also says "an affair doesn't have to be the death knell to a relationship, it can be a wake up call instead. If you look on the bright side, an affair can be a springboard to open a dialogue to discuss underlying problems in the relationship." The biggest problem married couples face is not knowing how to talk about difficult topics, which can make a partner look for other opportunities outside marriage because they don't know how to do the work couples need to stay together. So people look elsewhere, hoping that their relationship will remain strong without putting in any effort. However, in most cases the same thing happens over again.

You have to get to the cause as to why your wife is looking elsewhere for emotional and physical comfort. Are you listening to her? Does she tell you what she wants, and do you give it to her? It's obvious that you love her, and you are making an effort to make things work. Sometimes when men think they are listening, they don't really hear what is being said. Your wife is not having to make a choice, so she is still carrying on. She feels safe because she knows that you love her and don't want to lose her so she just continues with her cheating. It's in your best interest and hers, if you were to force her hand and make her choose your marriage or the other man.
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Re: Wife had affair and I suspect on-going online contact

Postby Silversterling25 » Mon Dec 16, 2013 2:24 pm

Hey parrothead,

Before I begin, I just want to make sure I understand this correctly. You've found out that your wife is having an affair with another a high school friend, and through your multiple attempts to have her from contact him back you were not successful. You also said you've made attempts to work things out on all levels, Correct? The idea that you’re willing to try is a very big attempt.

In Dr Scott's novels on Relationships and affairs, he states that it is in the best decision of the couple to sit down and first admit that there was an affair going on and that she truly wants to be with you. If I'm correct, your wife has already done this for you so we will skip this step. Next is to sit down with her and compose a Facebook message, email, and text message. Something you both can see. She will the type “I am here with my Husband, and from this point on I do not want any contact with you or will ever want contact with you. Do NOT contact me anymore." This step is key, because now she has to let you know anytime he messages her back or contacts her. To keep an eye on this, and to keep her truly honest, ask her for ALL of her passwords to her email, Facebook you name it. From there you two can work on what you need to.

This would help you greatly since you've already made attempts in the past to help keep your marriage between you and your wife. You have already asked her if she could stop contact with the high school friend and with that, you are willing to make things work. Follow Dr Scotts advice and sit down with her to see if the marriage between you two is what you guys really want. Talking it out really gets things solved, but only when there is no more contact with the other person who had the affair.

My advice to you, after you have one more talk with your wife about if the marriage is what you both truly want and she continues to talk to the guy. Plan for marriage counseling. I am a firm believer in pursuing something without giving up and if you both truly want this to work, it will happen. Make her feel like she is wanted by you, my best wishes.

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