I feel at a loss.

[concernedhusband]

My wife and I have been married for two years, we have been together for 11. We met when we were really young. Even though we were young when we met we both were each others firsts when we were in college. We got married just out of college and promptly moved so she could start a very demanding professional program. I had an understanding that she would be very taxed for several years and i was okay with that.
When we first started making love everything was good, and we both enjoyed it. But as our relationship wore on she did not want to have sex nearly as much as i did. But that was okay with me i was very patient and i felt i was being understanding. The year before we got married we both were very busy and we atributed that to our lack of sex. Once we got married it just seemed more of the same, i wanted sex she didn't or felt guilty. But now several years into the marriage she started to have feelings for another man (no cheating ) but sexual feelings for another man. And she is saying that she is having all these sexual fantasies about this person. I understand that fantasies are her own and as long as she is not acting upon them i understand. But its gotten to the point where she is not wanting my contact!! not jsut sex but contact hugs kisses because she says she feels guilty. I don't make her aroused or excited any more. She even mentioned that maybe we should split, but never coming out concretely saying that. She is saying she wants that passion she is feeling for this other person to be with me, but everytime i try to provide contact or intamcy she with draws. We started therapy. I feel lost and a bit scared.

[socialdistortion]

Dear Concernedhusband,

It sounds like you are in a very difficult place. You say that you and your wife are seeking counseling for this situation, glad to hear that. While it is unlikely that a woman will spend her entire marriage never being sexually attracted to another man, this situation is a bit out of control, especially if it is affecting her attraction to you. I am unsure if her decision to share this will you is hurtfully honest or honestly hurtful. What is the underlying motivation in making you aware of this and what is her underlying explanation for her guilt?

While I don’t believe in ultimatums, there is one thing that must be done. She must eliminate all contact with the other man. If it is someone she works with, she should look for another job. If is someone in your social circle, she must refuse any invitations and/or situations in which she could possibly run into him. If she is somewhere and he shows up, she must politely leave. Over time her feelings for him should dissipate, but this is unlikely if she has frequent interaction with him.

Good luck,

Social Distortion

[concernedhusband]

After a little while and failed counsoling sessions she opted for divorce. The therapy sessions were just the same conversation that we had in our living room. From everything I have assertained about the situation i feel helpless and shocked. She never cheated on me. She also said that she has no future with this other man and apparently me. Her reasoning is that even though we used to make love. She no longer wants to make love with me. she says she "never" felt a stong sexual atraction to me. yet, she walked down the asiel? She says there should be this undying sexual chemistry, and she just doesnt feel that for me. Now with my recolection of our history, we used to want to make love and thought we used to have a chemistry. then it started to become more infrequent and fade. My support system (family and friends) say this is normal. You lose that excitement and then sex is not as important. I don't know. I feel that she is throwing away our marriage for lusty feelings she had for someone. Yes they may be exciting and strong at the time, but why cant she understand that those feelings would fade as well. But now there is nothing i can do or say, she already has her mind set.

[Js93]

Dear concernedhusband,

I can see that you are very concerned with where your relationship is going to end up. You say that you have been with your wife for 11 years which is great because it shows that you both have been committed to each other. Have you tried giving her space? or have you tried new things? wether it was in the bedroom or just doing fun things you don't normally do. Being together for many years she probably felt like nothing was new things just might have kept repeating itself for so long. You say she has had sexual fantasies about another man. Maybe it is because she wants you to try new things with her to spice the relationship.

In my psychology class I've taken very helpful notes and had class discussions dealing with marriage. In my notes it says "couples move through three stages The stimulus value stage: is there superficial attraction? If yes, proceed to stage 2 The value comparison stage: are your values compatible? If yes, move to stage 3. The role stage: consider whether the other person fulfills the role of an intimate companion." It seems like you and your wife were lacking stage three because you were starting to not fulfill the role of an intimate companion for her. It also says in my notes that there can be gaps in role expectations and it stated that women now have more demanding careers. You say that you both promptly moved so that she can start a demanding professional program. This may have been the gap in role expectation.

The advice I would suggest is to be spontaneous which is what I would do if I was together with someone for so long. Bringing new things to the table will make her want to be around you more and put her focus on you instead of fantasizing about other men. I see that your very understanding with her. When she brought up her sexual fantasies of another man you knew that she did not intend to hurt your feelings and was not cheating on you.