The Sex/Housework Connection

[aceofspades]

One thing I've seen in several places, you've mentioned it, Gottman's book mentions it, and therapists in different places mention it, is the housework-sex connection. It's said that men who do more around the house tend to be more satisfied with their sex lives. I've wondered about why. Do women reward them with sex, is it because they find it sexy when a man takes out the trash without being asked, or is because they feel more relaxed? You've mentioned that the female drive is distractable. One factor might be the types of men who actually do work around the house. According to studies, couples divide chores pretty evenly until kids are born. For many couples, their sex lives change dramatically after kids. Perhaps, the reasons why men who do housework seem to report more satisfaction is because a large chunk of them aren't parents. (By the way, one of the reasons why men might not be esp. good at running a house is they've never really gotten much training in the area. This is from an article in the Boston Globe:
Carson talks about how his own father was a successful juggler of work and family - though it came after a painful divorce. His father was forced to cook, clean, and iron for the first time after the split-up. Carson and his siblings, who lived with their father, also pitched in with an array of chores.

"I know what it takes to run a house," Carson says.

[doncalypso]

Does this mean that the secret to marital happiness is to not have kids? I definitely don't feel ready for fatherhood, and if there's one thing I fear most it is to be in a sexless marriage.

I guess this means if I get married I won't have kids then.

[Hremom]

Do men who do more around the house get more sex?? Definately! My girlfriends and I have talked about this and it's not that we find it sexy when you take out the trash or do the dishes, it's that we aren't as tired when you share some of the household chore load. The majority of us work out of the house, then come home and have to take care of the house and kids, it flat out wears us out!

If a husband does the dishes or gives the kids a bath and gets them ready for bed while we do dishes it gives us 15 to 30 minutes less of household duties. In that 15 to 30 minutes we can rest a little, shift gears and often find that "Hey, I caught my second wind and wouldn't a nice romp with hubby be sweet right about now!"

As a stay at home mom, what does it for me is when Hubby lets me have 30 minutes alone, no kids, to do an at home spa type bubble bath and other girlie stuff without interuption. By taking the kids out of the house and giving me a short break, he almost always gets lucky..........or should I say WE get lucky since I certainly enjoy it too!

[happy in PA]

AFter reading HRmom's post I had to comment.

First, I am very happy with where we are now, but it took us almost 30-years to get here.

Second, for those first 30-years I did a lot of housework, cooking, etc. I am the oldest of a large family of boys and can do anything a woman can do around the house and, other than sewing, usually do it better. I had to learn these skills in order to help my mother with my many younger brothers. So I not only didn't mind doing that around our house, I enjoyed it. We still had a very unsatisfactory sex-life from my point of view. People should not jump to the conclusion that men do nothing around the house. My wife was a "stay at home Mom", and I still did most of the cleaning, dishes, etc. Laundry was sometihng my wife never wanted me to do, but otherwise she did very little around the house, despite being home all day with only two, well-spaced, children.

This was very frustrating to me. I felt used, unappreciated and undesired no matter how much I did. It was only our love for and devotion to each other and our children that allowed us to survive some pretty tough years and get to where we are now. The kids are mostly gone now and we have time to focus just on one another. It has made a vast difference.

Happy in PA

[Patriarch Verlch]

I used to think that when I did some manly chores like, paying all the bills, car payments, electric bills her car insurance, day care. That somehow, that would get me laid. Well it didn't because it was expected.

I also noticed that when we first met and started living together that she demanded I do everything. Cook, clean, everything. That went on for six months, and I quit. I wasn't getting laid, she started not only demanding I do more and more, I wasn't getting any more sex. She did nothing but lay in bed all day sleeping.

Finally I told her, Im not doing nothing anymore. I told her I will work and pay the bills, you take care of the home, or leave. Eventually, over a year or two, she came around. It started off she would clean the house when my parents were coming over, then my son was born, and she finally started nesting for him. When he is not around her old ways come back. I blame it on her parents, they only spoiled her, and never taught her what ladies were supposed to do naturally.

[Hremom]

I have to ask both Patriach Verlch and happy in PA what made you stay with such lazy do nothing women? Obviously it wasn't great sex!

When my husband and I first moved in together we made a deal..... I did the inside chores which includes paying the bills (okay, I write the checks), he did the cars and yard. We've had four daughters in our 13 years of marriage and my chores kept growing while his stayed the same. In the last few years we've had to work out a new deal. He still does the outside stuff, but now he puts away his own clothes, and does the dishes or vacuums now and then. We'll go back to the original deal when the kids are all gone.

With time our sex life has ebbed and flowed, but for the most part I have no complaints and I make sure he doesn't either. Well, at least not until recently when I've been having some medical problems, but we're working on that.

[Patriarch Verlch]

The child. He is at such a disadvantage without two parents. We would be doing a disservice to humanity not to care for him.

I was trapped into the child. She said she wanted a "baby", I didn't listen.

She got knocked up and the rest is history. She even told somebody we both knew, how she stopped taking birth control on purpose.

It started out all she did was pander to the baby, threaten to leave. At first I was devastated at the thought of her leaving. So I would try to get her to stay around. For three years she argued, we fought about everything. She manipulated me, wouldnt' give me sex, then she would go through my phone and call all my best customers to see if they were customers or girlfriends. Needless to say, I lost all my best customers thanks to that. I have never heard from them again.

Why not have sex with me, on a daily basis, so she wouldn't have to worry about me cheating?

Finally after the gray hairs started appearing on my head, with the thought of paying child support, she eased up. Now we hardly ever fight, and she has given me sex two days in a row. A world record. I learned how to use a condom with my wife, and haven't knocked her up, at all!!! I wish I knew that at 26. Perhaps we could have planned for the 'getting knocked up part."

Now if she threatens to leave, I tell her, I will help you pack your bags. And I tell her I never want to speak to her again. Hopefully we will not have to go through that again.

The courts system is not very father friendly.

Exhibit A.

http://www.mugu.com/cgi-bin/Upstream/Li ... index.html

Perhaps there is some sensible women like you, but I haven't run into many, and I am not married to one that has very much sense. But I do love her.

[Hremom]

Well, the times they are a-changin'.

My uncle got custody from his do nothing X and raised his boys 1000 miles from her negative influence.

A good friend of mine from high school got custody of his 3 kids from his do nothing X. And most people I know who are divorced share custody 50/50 at the least. Still not the best situation, but it's better than the kids totally loosing one parent when they are both good parents but cannot seem to get along with each other.

Most of my female friends that I went to high school with are stay at home wives and mothers. We came of age in the Go-go, have it all, super-mom 1980s and know first hand that the kids usually get short changed when both parents work. Money does not replace time spent with your kids!!

[happy in PA]

I don't get on very often and just saw Hremom's question about what made me stay with my wife.

I loved her and was raised to believe that the commitment, the covenant, I had made before friends, family and God was not to be broken. That's the simplest answer.

The irony of our situation is/was that my wife would, I am sure, tell you that she is very lucky for all that I do, but it still has never been enough in her eyes and never will be enough. I have come to accept that about her. She isn't lazy, she is just focused on her own interests and desires. Gradually we have come to a place where we both try to meet each others needs. It was a long road, but we are getting there.

My point in responding initially was just to point out that it isn't always the case that the husband is some lazy, do nothing around the house, slug and that's why the wife isn't interested in sex.

[ThunderHorse]

I may be wrong, but it is more positive for me to believe that the work I do for the home, family and community, provides a measure of attraction for my woman.

I try to visualize that the more little chores I get done, the better will be the attractiveness of the house and home, and the more secure my woman will feel.

There are periods where my wife takes me for granted. It makes it difficult to do more chores for what appears to be less appreciation.

However, the commanding of respect is a process that is a balance of extending and withdrawing cooperation. I will sometimes leave an optional chore undone, if I wish to make a point.

I am a naturally oppositional person, so I need to be careful about letting up on chores, when I am feeling ignored. So I need to remind myslef that there is a magical attraction created for my woman, as I do ordinary little chores.