My wife avoids sex

Re: My wife avoids sex

Postby prematureejaculation » Mon May 07, 2012 2:38 am

Hello Ryder,

You know, girls are very unpredictable. Sometimes what you see through their actions is not what they really meant for. If you really know your wife you surely know what is her weakness when you want to make love with her.

Do you guys have children? How long have you been together?

Well, the best thing that you could do is don't give up. Court her again and again and for sure the bond will be back. :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:
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Re: My wife avoids sex

Postby RPCCCRI » Mon Dec 03, 2012 7:56 pm

The problem sounds to me like you are always the one to initiate the sex and are tired of being rejected by your wife all of the time. It sounds like you have tried many tricks in attempts to make her happy, such as helping more around the house and complimenting her, but it sounds like it doesn’t seem to be working. She tends to put you last on her list of priorities all of the time. My question to you, is there any things your wife has mentioned she needs you to do that hasn’t been done? Or has she mentioned things to you that make her happy and instead of following through, have you just brushed them off out of aggravation? Does your wife have anything stressful going on in her life right now that she might feel needs more attention than having sex? Also, how do you initiate the sex? Are you romantic? Do you try the things that you used in the past that made your wife want to have sex with you?
I am a college psychology student and learned about Freud’s five psychosexual stages from my teacher recently. According to Freud, it is possible for a person to get stuck in any particular stage if the conflict is unresolved that is needed to move on from that stage. “Fixation is a tendency to persist in pleasure-seeking behaviors associated with an earlier psychosexual stage where conflicts were unresolved” (Franzoi 438). It is possible that your wife is stuck in what Freud called the latency stage of psychosexual development. The latency stage is defined as “the fourth stage of psychosexual development, during which the child is relatively free from sexual desires and conflict” (Franzoi). Even though the latency stage typically occurs with children ages 6-11, it is possible that your wife is fixated on this stage due to some unresolved problem, making it impossible for her to move on to the last stage of Freud’s psychosexual development (the genital stage).
In my opinion, Freud’s five psychosexual stages relate to your situation because your wife is not trying to be intimate and instead, you're left making all the moves. Out of the five stages I would say your wife is stuck in the latency stage because for some reason your wives sexual desires have been repressed. If you wife was at the correct psychosexual stage according to Freud, she would be in the genital stage which is when mature sexual feelings towards others emerge. Since these sexual feelings do not emerge from your wife, it seems as though she has not yet moved into the stage. This is where fixation comes into play because fixation is when a person is stuck in a specific stage that is earlier in psychosexual development than they should be in. The latency stage is typically for 6-11 year old children that have not yet reached puberty and the genital stage is typically for adults. But according to your situation, it seems as though your wife fits more of the characteristics associated with the latency stage than the genital stage.
If I were to make any suggestions to you, I would say see a doctor who can understand what you’re going through. From the story I just read, it seems very apparent that you are really trying to make things work and I think that’s awesome. If you really love someone, which it seems like you do, you should not give up on things just because they seem to get rough. Try to convince your wife to attend therapy with you. That way, everyone can hear her side of the story as well and things may start to make more sense. Maybe there really is a real reason that she has not wanted to have sex with you lately and she is just too scared or unsure of how to tell you. Your marriage has great potential, and you’re doing the right thing by seeking help and making steps forward in order to save your marriage.
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Re: My wife avoids sex

Postby volvos70 » Fri Dec 07, 2012 11:45 pm

So, after reading your post about your wife avoiding sex, I gained a lot of information. You are the only one trying to engage in sex right? She ignores your desire to have sex and always puts that desire as the last thing on her list of things to do? How long has this been going on? If it hasn't been going on for a while, then I should quote Dr. Scott Haltzman. He says "expect conflict, and learn to deal with it." Communication is also key. You said that you constantly bring up the situation, but your wife quickly changes the subject. May I suggest trying to be content when trying to talk about it, and even when trying to have sex with her.
Sigmund Freud came up with a set of psychosexual stages. There are five stages which include the oral, anal, phallic, latency, and genital. It sounds to me like your wife falls under the latency stage which means her sexual energy is directed towards something other than intercourse. In Dr. Haltzman's secrets of happily married men, he says "Sex is not the overriding factor in either marital happiness or marital distress. And while in most cases women want a romantic experience and men want sex, there are many steps to take to make both parties happy."
You say you have been together for six years and I imagine this conflict hasn't taken place since the start of your marriage. She watches her television shows and enjoys working out before she thinks about having sex. This is a true sign that she is in the latency stage even though the stage is directed for kids from age six until they reach puberty.
You may want to talk to someone about your relationship problem. Either a one-on-one session, a session with your spouse, or even a group therapy. The group therapy may be effective because you will be able to hear other people's stories about the same issue you are having. If I were you, I would not give up on your wife. Continue to try and communicate with her often. Try to bring up topics other than your sex life. Since you have been together for six years, you most likely know what she likes to do and what her hobbies are. I would suggest keep trying to make it work out and just talk it through with whomever you desire.
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Re: My wife avoids sex

Postby capprincess » Thu Nov 14, 2013 10:40 am

From what I have just read, I have understood that you are having problems with your wife not wanting to have sex. I have a few questions before we get started; is your wife distant lately? Is she acting like her normal self? Is anything serious going on in your relationship for your wife not wanting to have sex? Have you ever cheated on her, which could have led her to believe that you can’t be trusted? Some advice I could give to you right now is, maybe try changing the way you try to have sex. Maybe set some kind of mood so she wants to have sex. Maybe also try doing some romantic things around the house and making her feel like she’s important and special.
Dr Haltzman says, there are eight things that men should know and they are; “make marriage your job, know your wife, Be home now, expect conflict and learn how to deal with it, learn to listen, aim to please, learn the truth about sex, and introduce yourself.” Ryder, I think that if you try and do these things listed above, you will be able to figure out why your wife doesn’t want to have sex with you. Also, I am a Psychology student, and my professor talked about “maintaining a close relationship meaning; have equality, it’s about what you get is what you put in, next we learned about self-disclosure which is telling what you are feeling and finally attachment meaning trust intimacy.” Ryder I think you should have a talk with your wife and really discuss what’s going on, and maybe tell her about some of the things that I am going over with you.
I am going to explain some of these theory’s to you so maybe it will have an impact on your wife. The information Dr. Haltzman gave has a lot to it and I don’t think all applies to you the ones I think are; know your wife, make sure you know everything about her and know what makes her happy, ask her how her day was and make an effort because maybe that’s all she needs in order for her to get “turned on.” Next, learn the truth about sex, ask her questions why doesn’t she want to have sex? What can you do to fix it? Also, maybe listen to her more, see if there is any relationship issues that are going on and if you need to fix anything. Also I think the information I explained to you about maintaining a close relationship applies because if you are in a good happy relationship things will most likely be good but, if you are in a relationship where you don’t talk to one another, your relationship will not be a good one.
Ryder, if you plan on fixing this problem about your wife not wanting to have sex then I really think you should sit down with your wife, ask her the questions I have asked you. Talk to your wife about the issues I have discussed along with Dr. Haltzman and my Psychology Professor’s advice. Explain to her how you feel about the situation and tell her how it is effecting you emotionally and physically. Maybe try and pretend that you are the one who doesn’t want to have sex for a little bit and see what the outcome would be. I hope you are able to fix this issue.
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Re: My wife avoids sex

Postby patsprincess » Thu Nov 14, 2013 11:05 am

It seems like what you are trying to say is your wife does not want to have sex, no matter what you do or how hard you try to talk her it just doesn’t work. It also seems like your wife is a very busy woman who has a lot going on and maybe having sex isn’t at the top of her list. Let me ask you a few questions. When you ask her about having sex, do you ask her nicely? Or do you just come out of the blue and ask her when she is busy? Has she always been this way, or did the sex just randomly stop? Has she had any sudden incidences in the past happen to her that changed her attitude?

I am a current Psychology Student and my Professor says “there are three steps to maintaining a close relationship, and they are equity, self disclosure, and attachment.” I have noticed that Dr.Haltzman has a book called Secrets of Happily Married Men. He states, “know your wife.” Two other examples Haltzman gives is, “learn to listen” and “aim to please.”

In your case, all of these examples relate to your relationship. Equity is whatever you put into the relationship with your wife, you’re going to get out of it. This means, if you keep asking your wife why she won’t have sex with you and you are irritated, she is probably going to become irritated at you and the problem is going to get bigger than what you want it to be. Next, Self Disclosure… yes you should tell your wife that you want to have sex with her and it really means a lot to you, but you also shouldn’t nag her about it all the time. Also, Attachment… you should trust that your wife loves you, and when she says it she means it. According to Dr.Haltzman, he wants men to know their wives; so, start asking her how her day was, how her friends are, how she is feeling. Even if you could care less, you should still ask so she knows that you are interested. Learning to listen should be easy, when you ask her questions just listen to her, make eye contact with her, and sit close to her to make her feel wanted. Also, listen to what your wife wants, the relationship isn’t just about what you want, maybe she is going through a hard time and you haven’t been there for her like you should have. If you want to aim to please your wife, do little things for her that can change her day around.

I think it is great that you try to help around the house because that probably reduces her stress seeing as its one less thing she has to do around the house when she gets home from work. My suggestions are, if you ask her about sex and she ignores you or you can tell by her body language she isn’t interested in talking about it, then leave the subject alone. Wait for your wife to come to you, if you really love her and are patient she will come around. Also, take her out on dates or even have a candle light dinner ready for her when she comes home. I hope what I said worked for you!

-Good Luck
Last edited by patsprincess on Tue Nov 19, 2013 12:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: My wife avoids sex

Postby studentadvisor » Sun Nov 17, 2013 8:00 pm

Dear Mr. Ryder I hear you saying that you are constantly the one to initiate sex with your wife and it makes you feel “unattractive” and like a “creep”. I can see how that can be very frustrating to you, especially when after six years you are still very much in love with your wife and find her very attractive.

I am a psychology student and am learning about these kinds of situations in my class. Right now we are learning about Dr. Haltzman’s theories. One of the things he says that may apply to you is, “Men and women differ dramatically in verbal communication skills. The average woman uses the spoken word three times more frequently than the male of the species. For many women, verbalizing a feeling is more than communicating a thought; it’s a way to establish closeness. Men, you have to learn the basics. When she wants to talk, sit quietly without distractions. Turn the TV off. And, while you’re at it, put down the newspaper. Now, when she talks, take a few moments and reflect back on what she’s said. Grunt occasionally, to let her know you heard. I realize you know exactly what she’s saying within the first five seconds, but it doesn’t matter. Let your wife talk, and let her know you are listening. Before offering suggestions to problem-solve, ask her whether she wants advice or whether she just wants you to listen. You’d be surprised how appreciative she will be that you are just a good ear.”

Not wanting to have sex could be a sign of a bigger communication problem. You say you feel like a “creep trying to cop a feel” and it worries me that she may be seeing you in that light also. I think sometimes men want to get right to the point of what they want and skip the dance, while without the dance women are not likely to be in the mood for what you want.

I suggest working on your communication with your wife. In the beginning of a relationship we are often very excited about getting to know a person but once we are in a committed relationship we stop courting our partners and act like we “know” them. A way to re-kindle your intimacy may be to get to know the person she is now. Woman are constantly changing and growing, you may find out some interesting things.
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Re: My wife avoids sex

Postby PsychStuJo » Sun Dec 08, 2013 2:14 pm

So it seems that your problem is that your wife is never the first to initiate sex? This may be leaving you with feelings of rejection or discouragement., which is normal to feel. Not seeming like a priority can lead a person to get those negative feelings and feel like they are “unwanted” or “unattractive” but, the problem may be something different then what you might be considering. There may be other reasons your wife never wants to make the first move, maybe its a bit embarrassing for her, maybe sex can be discomforting at times, lets take the time to consider all aspects before feeling like she is uninterested in you.
In my Psychology class we studied about intimacy in relationships and what effects a relationship in both positive and negative ways. “Proximity” is how close you are to whoever you love, not emotionally but physically, living in the same house for example even sharing a room. Proximity can effect a relationship in either a good or bad way, perhaps the amount of time you two spend in the same room can be effecting your wife's lack of sexual interest in away she might not even be aware of herself. Dr. Scott Halztman says “When you are angry,upset or sad, it may be difficult to think about hopping into bed with your partner, and it's understandable why at certain times, some emotional work may need to be done before having “sexual healing” take place”. There are a lot of possibilities to why your wife may not want to initiate sex, it is probably best not to over think it. The best way may be to give her some space and try to notice anything that may be bothering her such as stress at work or maybe some family issues. For example, the last thing you want on your mind during sex is the thought of a beloved aunt who may be gravely ill.
In your situation, you seem to not have a idea as to what may be leading your wife to not want to be the first to initiate sex. There may be a valid reasoning behind your wife's disposition and it may be obvious or it may be intricate, the best thing to do is give her some time and some space, being a loving partner and support her in every aspect of her life. She may turn around and surprise you one day. Dr. Halztman would most likely suggest you try some communication, you say you have already talked to her and get answers such as “I am just tired doesn't mean I don't love you”.
Try waiting for a different setting, there maybe a lot on her mind and the reasoning behind her lack of sexual interest may be embarrassing for her as a woman to talk about. Just remember that there are two sides, even though you are feeling rejected and frustrated she may be feeling something along those lines as well. Almost 6 years of marriage is a long time, try doing something you have never done before, it may be just the thing that your marriage needs, as to what to do, I would suggest you decide, take note of what your wife likes to do what interests her, what does she find attractive, what turns her on, and what made her fall in love with you!
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Re: My wife avoids sex

Postby Rjm123 » Mon Dec 16, 2013 11:12 pm

Hello Ryder,
After reading your post I understand your having issues getting your wife interested in sex. Was it always this way? Do you have any children? How are you currently trying to initiate sex? Are either of you having job or financial problems? These are all questions that you need to consider when trying to determine a solution to this problem. Do not feel like you are alone in this problem, this is a very common issue for both men and women in relationships and you should not feel discouraged or put down. As a young adult, I and many of my friends can relate to your problem.
In my psychology class I’ve learned a lot about sex and relationships. As Dr. Haltzman put in his book “The Secrets of Happily Married Men, “sex is not the overriding factor in either marital happiness or marital distress. And while in most cases women want a romantic experience and men want sex, there are many steps to take to make both parties happy.” The key is to find this balance-a way for her to be happy and comfortable and for you to get the sex that is obviously important to your relationship.
This quote from Dr. Haltzman is not the solution to your problem, but rather something you need to consider when you continuously get discouraged over your wife’s lack of sex drive. The love you have for each other will always be the overriding factor that holds your relationship together; it is just the matter of how you express this love that you need to work on. There are obvious differences in men and women and, without getting too scientific, the testosterone in men is the main reason for their higher sex drive. Women are more about feelings and conversations-an idea that is extremely important to your situation.
In your case, it is important to figure out what is holding your wife back from wanting to have sex. Keeping this idea about feelings and conversations being important in mind, you need to TALK. The mistake your making, I feel, is that your having conversations about the wrong thing. Instead of asking her why she isn’t interested in sex, which most likely makes her feel like there’s something wrong with her or that she’s doing something wrong (who likes to feel like there’s something wrong with them), just have normal conversations about how her day was, how she is, or what she wants to do. Instead of trying to get feelings out of her, try putting feelings into her. Was sex better for you in the beginning of your relationship? Perhaps you could try going back to the basics and taking her on a date. What did she love to do when you two first began dating? Maybe you could bring her back to an old favorite restaurant or place to hang out or even make her her favorite meal. Surprise her with a relaxing bath and glass of wine, play a board game, watch a movie, etc.-whatever is out of the ordinary for your relationship or something you used to enjoy doing. Part of her problem could be getting caught up in the day to day routine stresses and reminding her that the love you began with is the love you still have could be important. Make sex something she wants to do, not something she feels obligated to. It may take time but with patience and continued effort I think there is definitely hope for you to bring some spark back into your relationship.
I hope this helps.
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Re: My wife avoids sex

Postby Gladimeir15 » Tue Jan 05, 2016 7:56 am

Now that it's socially acceptable for the woman to initiate the lean-in for that storybook first kiss, it’s changed men's attitudes. Guys want just as much reassurance that you’re interested in them and they may hold off on making that first move.

So don’t be afraid to grab him by the collar and lay something on his lips that leaves a lasting impression. Just read the signs before you get too bold. There's a science to this, you know. However, It is definitely true that women are very unpredictable. Let's give credit to hormones- estrogen and progesterone for this matter. But as a woman, it is our very nature that we love the idea that men will serve us first. If we feel that we are being treasured and given importance by our partner, its a whole damn world means to us. In your case, maybe your wife is not yet comfortable in making the first move every time you will engage with sex. Maybe she's just to timid and shy to express her feelings. Just don't give up on her. but instead show her more love and passion and assurance that she is the only woman in your life aside from your mother of course.
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