My wife avoids sex

My wife avoids sex

Postby ryder » Tue Oct 25, 2011 10:42 pm

Im basically always initiating sex and Im tired of it. I dont understand how someone can be so uninterested in making love with the person they say they love. How should I react? Should I just stop trying? Should I let her know how much it hurts me to be rejected...to always be the last on the list of priorities...behind her tv shows and working out? My wife makes me feel like some unattractive creep trying to cop a feel. I have tried talking to her about this but the conversation always comes to a typical conclusion (im just tired doesnt mean I dont love you etc.) It wouldnt be so hard I guess but after almost 6 years together Im still very much in love with her. Before anyone suggests helping out around the house complimenting etc. well I have tried almost everything in the book and none of it has helped.
I cant even remember the last time I made her laugh.
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Postby Kendra29 » Wed Nov 09, 2011 12:57 pm

Hello Ryder, when you say you are always initiating sex how exactly you are initiating it. Are you being romantic when initiating making love? Do you have any children? Perhaps your wife has a stressful career.
My Psychology teacher (who is also a DR) says that spouse’s stress at work can have a huge impact on a marriage. Communication is important in all marriages. In Dr. Scott’s book “Secrets of Happily Married Men” Dr. Scott says, “Sex is not the overriding factor in either marital happiness or marital distress. And while in most cases women want a romantic experience and men want sex, there are many steps to take to make both parties happy.” He also says, “Try to determine what she needs, and ask yourself: Is there some way I can make this happen for her? Being a happily married husband means regularly and consistently demonstrating your love for your wife.”
I do not think she is uninterested in having sex with you, I think she is just maybe overwhelmed with work or stress and worn out from it. Be patient with her. Try talking to her and yes letting her knows how you feel about this, explain to her that she makes you feel in your words like some unattractive creep trying to cop a feel. Tell her how it feels to be put after TV shows. Try being romantic might I suggest perhaps a candle light dinner? Bed of rose pedals? Soft music? It is nice to see after six years you are still very much in love with your wife. Congratulations in this day in age that is something that seems to be rare. Try to capture the time in your marriage when you did not have these problems back. I think she is just exhausted and probably needs a nice relaxing vacation.
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STOP

Postby Scott Haltzman » Sat Nov 12, 2011 11:31 am

STOP
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Postby Scott Haltzman » Sun Nov 13, 2011 8:09 am

STOP
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Postby Scott Haltzman » Tue Nov 15, 2011 7:22 am

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avoiding sex

Postby trustablonde91 » Wed Nov 16, 2011 11:15 am

Hello Ryder,
I understand you feel like your wife is uninterested in both making love and showing her love. When did you start noticing these changes in her actions? Did something heartbreaking happen? Is she typically a happy person? Maybe she could be going through some type of crisis.

According to Dr. Scott Haltzman in his novel, the secrets of happily married men “sex is not an overriding factor in marital happiness or marital distress.” What is a huge factor is knowing your wife. Knowing what makes her happy, and what makes her tick. For example to some women getting flowers means everything, to others it is more of a waste of money. You must learn how to see the world through her eyes. This will help to show and understand her emotions in a more positive light.

If you are still in love with her, you should never stop trying. Think back to a happy time in your marriage. What was she like then? What made her happy? Try and rekindle the love you feel that she has lost. Try and reenact one of your first dates. For example if you went on a date to a restaurant and a movie try and think of the little things that went on, what you wore, and maybe what music was playing in the background. Showing her how important she is, and going out of your way to put something together, will show her how much she means to you and how much you appreciate her. Instead of trying to rush to sex, try and take things slow. Try watching some of her shows with her and showing an interest to things that she feels are important. If she likes working out, work out with her. Try cuddling and just listening to her talk about her day.

I hope this helps. I can see you really want things to be back to the way they were.

-Trustablonde91
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Postby Mr.G » Wed Nov 16, 2011 5:31 pm

I can clearly see your frustration about the matter. You feel rejected and I do sympathize with you. Personally I could not relay on sexual rejection, but any rejection hurts. So with all do respect I do believe I know how you feel. I have been on your wife’s side. So my advice might be just the right thing for you. “Should I let her know how much it hurts me to be rejected”? I don’t think you should let her know; you should be shattering.
In describing your problem there is only one side of the story said. More details are needed for a better assessment of the situation. Whole issue is that she is obviously not interested in you. On you limited information provided I will try to give you an advice based on pure speculation of situation.
I wonder if she would be tired, if there was another attractive man presented for sexual experience? Physical attraction “ the stimulus value “ is an absolute must, without it nothing happens. But maybe that is not the problem; I doubt it but just to keep our option open I will go further.
You have not provided her occupation, status etc.
If she gave a birth recently maybe she just needs a brake. Hormone imbalance is a common cause for sexual libido to be depleted. Stress can be a major factor in diminishing sex drive. But then you have mention that she goes to the gym and cares about it a great deal. Witch leads us to determine that she should not be so stressful. Obviously she is using a very good stress decompression techniques by working out and having a proper nutrition.
The thing is that you really need to sit down with her and have an honest open hart to hart conversation. Some alcohol might help you both, believe it or not. People say it’s a serum of truth. Push her as far as needed so you can learn the truth. It is essential! You need to know the reason. It might be hurtful to both of you. But I cannot emphasize enough the importance of it. Only then you can try to move forward.
When you establish the real reason, then you have to decide if you can work on it. Remember if she is not physically attractive to you I have to break it down to you; nothing is going to get better. You simply cannot force your self or anyone else to be attractive to someone.
“ I’m just tired doesn’t mean I don’t love you etc” excuse is not really an excuse. Believe me I have used that excuse. More often than I should. I’ve tried to make my self attractive to someone, but I just couldn’t. Finally let her go for her own sake and I do believe and hope she is happier with someone else. Its because I cared that I did that. I do apologize if I am a bit harsh but you have to face the facts. Sooner the better!
Good luck, G.
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Re: My wife avoids sex

Postby TDKlee » Tue Nov 22, 2011 1:58 pm

Hello Ryder,
I understand you are very depressed now, but you must be patient right now. You said that you have tried talking to her about this but the conversation always comes to a typical conclusion (im just tired doesnt mean I dont love you etc.). I have some questions about your family. Does your wife have a stressful career? Do you have any financial difficulties? Do you have any chidren?
My psychology professor Dr. Ski speaks that spouses’ stress at work can have significant impact on marital and family interactions. She also says serious financial worries tend to cause increased hostility in husbands, increased depression in wives, and lower marital happiness in both spouses. In addition, risk of separation and divorce increases as husbands’ income declines. In Dr. Scott’s book “Secrets of Happily Married Men”, Dr. Scott says sex is not the overriding factor in either marital happiness or marital distress. And while in most cases women want a romantic experience and men want sex.
I don’t think she is not interested in sex, I think she just doesn’t have any passion having sex with you anymore. All you have to do now is be patient, and you really need to figure out how to bring the passion back. For instance, try to do something to let her remind the time when you guys had happy hours before. Also, do some romantic things to make her happy. However, you need to win her heart again. Communication is important, keep that in mind. I hope these suggestions will help you.
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Re: My wife avoids sex

Postby ManOnTheHill » Tue Nov 29, 2011 1:01 am

                You have complained that your wife is not having sex with you and avoiding the issue.  You must consider why this is happening .  There is a possibility that your wife feels overwhelmed by your sexual advances to the point it is pushing her away.  She is beginning to associate sex with something she must do rather than something she enjoys doing.  You should also check the side effects of every medication that your wife takes regularly to make sure they do not have a side effect of decreasing libido.  Another possibility is that your wife may be cheating on you, I do not know enough information to suggest she is, but every possibility is still a possibility.  Think of any other reason that may be causing her to avoid intimacy and do your best to fix the problem.
                According to Dr. Ski one of the most important factors for men in marital success is a healthy frequent sexual relationship.  She claims that men gain emotional attachment from intimacy that women gain from talking to men.  Go to the bookstore and find five to ten books that state this then buy all of them.  Highlight and bookmark the words stating this point and make her read all of them.  Briefly state that this is how you feel and her lack of sex is driving you away.  Do not attempt to have sex with her at all when you do this as she may feel that she is being pressured into sex and this can cause her to associate sex as being a chore rather than a pastime.
                If you find that you are unable to solve your problem or that your solution only works temporarily consider going to couple therapy.  Consider hypnotherapy as a way for her to open and tell the absolute truth about why she is avoiding sexual encounters.  Hypnotherapy will only work if your wife wishes for it to work.  The suggestion of going to therapy should trigger warning bells that your marriage is declining and needs fixing.  If you wish to find the root of the problem you should have a psychiatrist drug your wife (safely) and interrogate here about her true motives.  If you decide to do this do not tell her of your intentions to question her and confront her as she may become unwilling or prepare herself to lie.  If after everything you have no success consider if you wish to live the rest of your life like this or move on to new opportunities.  Whatever you do I wish you luck with you marriage, get that p**** bro :wink: .
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Re: My wife avoids sex

Postby Ask NaNa » Wed Nov 30, 2011 3:36 pm

Ryder,
I see that you are always initiating sex and you are getting fed up with it. You also do not like the fact that wife keeps rejecting it. Your wife also seems that she is not happy with you or this marriage with the simple fact that she is, “always putting you last on list of priorities”.

Dr. Haltzman says, “sex is not the overriding factor in either martial happiness or martial distress” and “in most cases women want a romantic experience and men want sex, there are ways to make both parties happy”. Just because you always want to have sex does not mean that your wife has to feel the same way about it. Dr. Haltzman also says, “help your wife know who you are, what makes you tick, and how she can make you happy”.

That advice I shall give you is since your wife is not interested in sex or you, you should try to get her attention to show that you still love and care about her. Always bringing up the “sex issue” is not going to make your wife have sex with you. Try talking to her and see how she is feeling emotionally with you and the marriage. I see that you mentioned that she watches her television shows and works out. You should consider watching her television shows with her and maybe join her in her workout. Doing that will show you wife that you guys can do other things besides have sex. It will also show your wife that you are interested by spending some quality time with her by doing things that she like to do.

You should also look at yourself and see how your wife see’s you. Ask yourself this question: Are you the kind of guy your wife would want to know, and still the guy she fell in love with? You need see the behavior that you are doing is affecting the marriage. In other words, you should introduce yourself to your wife and show her that you are still the man that she fell in love with. There are many ways you can make your wife happy and show her that you love her and appreciate her. Do what makes your wife happy. Take her out to a romantic dinner, get her flowers, get her favorite jewelry, etc.

When all that works out and the marriage is starting to “spark” try to initiate the sex in a romantic way. Women do not like to have sex in the same time and the same place. Surprise your wife when it comes to having sex. Make it more romantic by having candles, romantic music, etc. Make love to your wife. Show your wife that it is all about her and not you. I hope your wife stays happy for a very long time!
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Re: My wife avoids sex

Postby missshe » Mon Dec 05, 2011 4:39 pm

Hello Ryder,
i do understand why you feel frustrated, every rejection makes one feel less of a person and it's ok for you to feel the way you feel. Did you mention you are basically always initiating sex? How was she when you first met her? Did she ever initiate sex? Do you have any children? i see you are tired of being the one to ask. But the question is does it really matter who initiate? You are feeding too much into this, and it might not be that big of an issue. Because when I’m stressed out don’t feel like doing anything.
According to Dr.scott Haltman in his novel, one huge factor in a relationship is knowing your wife. Knowing what makes her happy.it could be simple as cooking for her when she least expects it, or if you have kids getting them ready for bed if she is the only one that does it, or pick her up from . My professor also mentioned that one of the most important factors for men in marital success is a healthy frequent sexual relationship, so you have every right to feel that way
I see you are still in love with her after 6 years, and I’m sure you will do anything to light things up again. I was in a long distance relationship for 2years, things were hard because I had two full time jobs and I was also a full time student. When I started getting stressed out, I stopped going to visit him like I used to, before I noticed there was something wrong with our relationship it was too late, most of the time I was too lazy to return his calls, we used to talk every night. I was able to light it back up by taking him on a little vacation, so I suggest you give her space for a while and plan little vacation for a weekend getaway and let’s see what happens.
I hope this helps.
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Re: My wife avoids sex

Postby princesssx3x » Wed Dec 07, 2011 11:48 am

Hello Ryder,

I can’t say that I understand that you’re going through but I can imagine how frustrating it is for you. Was she always like this? Something must have happened for her not to show her love towards you. Yes, making love is a big part of a relationship. What does she say when you talk to her about it? She has to have a reason; no one can randomly just stop showing their love to their husband or wife.

According to Dr. Scott, in his book restates that sex is not the over riding factor in either marital happiness or marital distress. And while in most cases women want a romantic experience and men want sex, there are many steps to take to make both parties happy.

Being married to her for 6 years, you should know a lot about your wife, to know all the little things that make her happy. It could be as little as cooking a nice breakfast for her on Saturday morning or even just going out to a nice restaurant that she likes. I don’t think that she doesn’t want to not have sex I just think that she might want a romantic night and who knows by the end of the night you never know.I hope that my advice helped and hope everything is well.
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Re: My wife avoids sex

Postby Patrick717 » Mon Feb 20, 2012 3:21 pm

I'm in a similar situation as the original poster. That was about 2 years ago. I finally quit initiating sex. That went on for about 6 months. Then she seemed to be a little interested, but only when she wanted to, not when I wanted to. I got the strong impression this was more about her being in control than it was about being together. So I didn't just not initiate sex, I used her methods of avoiding it. Not going to bed. Not taking a shower for days at a time. Sleeping on the couch. Being 'too tired'. Now she complains I never want to have sex. Isn't that amazing.

I planned to take her out on Valentines evening for dinner. She made reservations elsewhere. I canceled my reservations. I bought her a dozen roses the day before Valentines. I left them wrapped up but put them in water as soon as I got home. The next morning, they were untouched even though we talked about how I had gotten them for her and left them in the wrapping so she could prep and arrange them. I unwrapped them, cut the ends of the stems, etc. before I took her coffee up to wake her up (like most mornings). Later that day she tells me that she cut the stems and arranged them. Maybe she did it again. I got her diamond earrings, wrapped them, and gave them and a card to her as we were leaving for dinner. She seemed to like them and seemed to enjoy dinner. When we were home she put on the neglige' that she uses to indicate she might be interested in sex. I was so mad that I wasn't interested. But per the 'Secrets' book, I just hid my anger and frustration.

Read the 'Secrets' book - that how I got here. Read several other books like "The Sex Starved Marriage". I've been reading and searching for answers anywhere I can. Finding a lot of tips and methods like in 'Secrets' to be helpful. But I'm also finding that I'm so hurt and angry now that it is a real problem. So “sex is not an overriding factor in marital happiness or marital distress.” as stated in the book may be the norm. But it feels to me that sex started the problems we are having now. And I'm having trouble dealing with them. I asked around for a therapist that might do me some good. I called to make an appointment with one that was recommended by a friend. After two voice mails and an email produced no response, I gave up on that approach. Then I read in 'Secrets' about therapists. Sure enough the web site showed - woman therapist, wearing pastel floral print dress in a darkly lit office. Probably good they didn't call me back.

Took a tip for another book - if what you are doing isn't working, do something else'. The next night she stayed up reading in bed, I stayed in bed. Of course I didn't sleep much but I made a point of not moving to the couch like I usually do. Then instead of bring her coffee in bed in the morning - I turned on the bedroom lights when I got up. All of them, at once. And I didn't bring her coffee. That seemed to be the first time she recognized there might be a problem. So that was a good tip from the books.

Today as I was leaving for work she says that 'she might want to go to bed early tonight - and not to sleep'. Let's see, is this because I have something planned for a mutual friend's birthday for early evening? She knows about it because she was invited but decided she was too busy to go. Now I'm sitting here fuming so much I'm not getting any work done. I'm fuming because this once again looks and feels like she wasn't interested in closeness or intimacy or our relationship. She was interested in using whatever means to show that she is in control and decides who goes where and when. When I put this in the context of the weekend it feels that way. Saturday morning started with her announcing that we HAD to get our ski gear packed this weekend since we are leaving next Friday. Mine is packed - hers is not started. She calls me on my cell phone when she knows I am in the middle of a time critical task. I see its her and answer - she tells me to hold on for several minutes while she talks to a stranger about how to get somewhere - them asks me for the same information. We had plans to meet friends at 6:30. I got a shower and was ready to roll at 6:00. Then she starts getting ready. We left for a 15 -20 minute drive at 6:35. I'm noticing a pattern here.

I don't have specific advice for the OP. Clearly I don't have it all figured out. But I needed to vent and hope that some of my venting will help you know that you are not alone.
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Re: My wife avoids sex

Postby songsparrow » Tue Feb 28, 2012 6:53 pm

[quote="Patrick717"]
Today as I was leaving for work she says that 'she might want to go to bed early tonight - and not to sleep'. Let's see, is this because I have something planned for a mutual friend's birthday for early evening? She knows about it because she was invited but decided she was too busy to go.

This sounds like a manupulative tactic, rather than a sincere attempt to be intimate.
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Re: My wife avoids sex

Postby Patrick717 » Sat Mar 10, 2012 2:29 pm

An update while I try to sort out my thoughts and feelings. We went on the ski trip. We discussed our lack of intimacy on the drive up. She said she felt like she was the one who wanted sex and I never did. I said I always wanted sex but felt like she was avoiding me / sex. When I went to the grocery store for trip supplies, I had bought her a Cosmo with an article '50 tips for great sex'. We read that article, together, in the hotel bed the first night. We had sex - sort of. It was probably the most dull and boring attempt at sex ever. At least from my memory it was. But at least it was something. The next morning she tells me that she took her Ambien too early so she doesn't remember what happened... :evil:

I didn't say anything. I just got packed up and on the road again. As we drove I was getting madder and madder and more and more hurt. It felt like she was saying the only way for her to have sex with me, her husband, was to get so drugged she didn't know what was going on. Over the next few days most of our friends noticed that I was quiet. Some even said something about me being very quiet. I told everyone privately, I was fine and everything was OK. At one point she asked me if "we were OK". I said we were fine. What was I supposed to do, tell them I thought we were headed for a divorce and ruin the trip for everybody? Even though we had the only double bed in the condo (only couple), one of the two of us slept on the couch every night. Actually, I just spent time on the couch because I don't think I slept more than a few hours the whole week we were there.

Her anniversary occurred while we were there. Yes, I termed it "her anniversary" to her and everyone I spoke to, emailed, or texted. On her anniversary, I told her we would do whatever she wanted to do, ski where ever she wanted to ski, go to whatever restaurant, etc. Though the day, it seemed to annoy her that she had to make all the decisions even when I told her that I was doing whatever she wanted to do. But I stayed with her and did whatever she wanted to do.

On the drive home we tried to discuss things a bit. After the third time I was talking and was cut off with vitally important things like "look at that tree", I shut up. If she wants me to talk she can listen. If she wants to walk all over everything I try to say, that indicates to me she doesn't want me to talk. And trying to be the good husband I try to do what makes her happy.

Now that we are home I'm trying to sort things out. We have had sex a few times, sort of. She has come to bed at a reasonable hour each night but got up and slept on the couch most of the night. I'm having a hard time dealing with my thoughts and feelings. I will try again to find a therapist to help me sort things out.
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