Sex, or lack of it, in a long term marriage.

[ThunderHorse]

Dear Jonah,

I try to take responsibility for having more sex in my marriage, if I am feeling deprived.

I work on foreplay, acupressure arousal points, massage techniques, lubrication strategies, dry humping and mutual masturbation.

What foreplay techniques are failing for you? How do you handle a rejection? What is the sequence of a rejection? How long till you can re-approach? I get rejected every few days by my wife, at least. But I have found if I wait only 3 minutes, I can start caressing in a new spot, I can get a fresh start to try to get to a higher gear in the foreplay sequence. I turn away from my wife and watch the clock as the seconds tick by.

How long do you wait to re-approach? Have you identified the best 10 minute window of receptivity, in the day, for your wife? My wife is usually recpetive after watching TV for a whle, and just starting to get drowsy to go to sleep.

What power starting commands do you give your wife verbally? Non-verbally?

[Jonah]

I should clarify. I am not the one being refused, I am the refuser. This is due mainly to boredom and a lack of sexual desire. Some men just need sexual variety in order to get aroused. Marriage is good for many things- stability, children, financial security, companionship but for me it kills sexual desire.
I put off marriage until my late 30's because I enjoyed the sexual variety I had when I was single. But I wanted kids and the other things mentioned above. Some people can have it all, I can't, so marriage for me has been a trade off.

[elizacol]

Jonah,

You should have clarified that point long ago. Geez, you made it sound like you were the one being refused...

That being said, I find you and your self-created situation quite sad. You are missing out on so much and cheating yourself, your wife, your marriage, and your children! Yes, your children. Not sure if you get 'why' that may be, but this post is not about that or them.

Not sure how long you have been married, but I think I read in another post that your 'marriage' has been sexless for 16 years!!! At YOUR doing?
Unbelievable!

Sex within marriage does not 'have' to be stale, routine, boring, what have you. It only becomes that when 1 or both spouses CHOOSES to let it become that. Apparently?, you chose to do so 16 years ago.

At the risk of sounding harsh (like I haven't already come across as that!!), it sounds to me like you never outgrew the 'sex is all about me' phase that all young people go through.

Great sex comes from giving, not receiving. And that is what makes marital sex so awesome...ideally, hopefully, eventually, it stops becoming about 'me', and starts becoming about 'my spouse'. When it happens mutually, watch out! Truly, you are missing out, imo. The mutual trust allows 2 people to fully give of themselves and fully engage in the act...something not possible when one isn't past the 'all about me' stage.

When I think about my H's and my sex at 20 (when we first married) and compare it to now...20 years later...there is strictly no comparison! We didn't 'know' how to have great sex back then. Whether due to ignorance, inhibitions, eagerness to 'finish', selfishness, immaturity, etc., those things got in the way, although we didn't know it at the time. Forward motion across the next 20 years....
and one's knowledge, maturity, mutual respect, lack of inhibitions, etc. evolve. There IS a difference. For those that are open and willing, the difference is better!

Internet porn, sex, etc. is NOT about mutual pleasure and satisfaction. It is strictly selfish...falling into the 'all about 'me' category.

Anyway, the choice(s) you made are yours to live with. I do believe, however, that you are trying to portray marital sex negatively because that is what you have experienced...possibly because you never 'evolved' to the next level w/your wife?? I don't know.

As with anything in life....sex is what you make it. If the 2-D (1-D?) variety suits you...more power to you. Having tried both, the 2 in no way compare!!

[Jonah]

Well that's good that things in your marriage have worked out. I have read elsewhere about these different levels in a long term relationship.

I can't take things to the next level because there was no sexual desire from day one. Still, despite the lack of sexual attraction to my wife, the marriage has been pretty good in almost every other way.

Yes it's now been 18 years so I guess that lack of sex (except to conceive children) hasn't been a deal breaker. I think I can safely say there is more to a relationship than sex.

[JeffAtl]

This post is 2 years old, but man did it strike a chord with me. Our paths are the same. I waited to get married as well and am now approaching 40. It scares me that I am no longer attracted to my wife already and we already have a sexless marriage due to me not wanting it. Are you really happy after all this time?

Jeff

[JeffAtl]

I was looking at your join date not the post date. So it has been inactive for a year. I'm still surprised as I would expect this to be a hot topic.

[bjcfox1]

been married for 3 years been with him 7 years, its funny but didnt see the signs that he is so not into sex, only maybe once a month,
i use to be alot more sexual then I am now..its like anything else, when you dont use it you loose it. he comes to me after a monthand expects results...help, what next. bjc

[makeyourwifehot]

Recently celebrated my 21 year marriage anniversary...16 of the HAPPIEST years of my life! LOL.

My sex life went from great to average to non-existent. It was only after reading Scott's book, going to counseling and opening up ALL my fantasies and communication with my wife that my sex life picked up and is even BETTER than it was when I was younger.

Both our libido's have actually increased and we aren't shy about watching porno together and role playing. Midlife CAN be better, if you work through the issues....and there area ton of them!