I'm in a dishonest marriage......

[houdini]

And it's beginning to mentally cripple me. Let me explain : I learned many years ago, early in our marriage in fact, not to tell my wife really personal stuff about myself or things which I felt ashamed or embarrassed about.
Why ? Because inevitably, during some row or other, she would throw one of these facts back in my face, and it is something I really hate. In fact its driven me to light violence on occasions where I would be tempted to knock her lights out.
Recently we had one of our rows. Now I have a brother who is slightly mentally retarded. In the heat of battle she came out with " You're as bad as your retarded brother". In my fury at her comment I felt like doing her some real harm. Our argument, BTW, had nothing to do with my brother - she just said it out of spite knowing it would really rile me. It is comments like this which really sour our relationship. I cannot talk frankly and honestly about many things close to my heart for fear of hearing them back, as occured above. I don't know what to do, frankly. I've told her I hate it when she throws things like that at me, but it still happens.
I got the shock of my life recently when a gastroenterologist told me I had a suspicious growth in my intestine. When I told my wife about it, the only reaction I got was 'Oh Dear', and a few other slightly sympathetic comments, but no real support for my feelings.
I guess I'm trying to say that many times I feel lonely in my marriage. I badly miss a relationship where I can be totally honest with my partner and know that whatever I say will be treated with the compassion/respect or whatever is required of the moment.
Does anybody know what I'm talking about ?
Thanks everybody.

[Hremom]

I know exactly what you are talking about, my X used to do it to me.

What your wife is doing is emotionally abusive, and she probably pulls that particular weapon out of her bag when she knows she is on the loosing end of an arguement. It's childish and distructive.

Counciling might help, if she was honestly interested in improving your relationship. I suggest you find one you like for yourself before going in as a couple. From personal experience about 60% of councilors I've met choose a side to support, but the really good ones, ones that can actually help save a marriage don't.

Good luck.

And remember, it's better to be alone for the rest of your life than to be miserable with someone.

[houdini]

Thanks for your comments hremom. Counselling is a problem for me right now since we are living in a foreign country where English is not the spoken language and though my command of the local language is o.k., I fear I would not be able to talk about my marriage in a fluent way. I guess I could look for someone who speaks English.....
After our latest bust-up, I've decided to go out more. I'm the type of guy who tends to come home from work and spend the evening (or whats left of it ) watching TV with my wife. Maybe if I spend some time with my mostly single friends havin a few beers, I might get a better perspective on things

[Eemap6]

X X X
http://amazing-videos.info/

[ThunderHorse]

Total Honesty can be overly burdnesom on your partner.

Having people to talk about various issues is iportant. I keep intending to do a better list of people avaialbe for varous types of convefrsations. I seek out people I can trust.

Your wife slamming you is something you might work on with her. I have a code word wotked out wiht my wife, that I will say the code word when i feel she is being disrepectful or hurtful. Marriage and family should be about increasing honor and respect, not aboujt slamming each other.

Talk to your wife that you need to have a code, and go over what you are sensitive about, privatley, in a non-fight session. You can be a coach to your wife.