How can I deal with this

[789632]

First post so here goes:

I started very young with porn and sexual activity <10. To me it was all very intriguing. I married a wonderful lady , a very innocent lady. When I introduced her to a sex toy she was horrified. "What's the matter with me?" I learned from that to go underground and thats whent he addiction started. For 30 years being a Christian, It got worse and worse, confessing then carrying on, always getting worse and worse. Our intamacy waned and got increasingly worse. For me it was always porn, no actual affairs, though some emotional ones, which I have since cut-out too.

We are now "seperated" though living under one roof. I have stopped the addiction at least for a few months. She obviously is hurt and very angry for the loss of what could of been.She has known about this for 15 years when I confessed to her. Tried the SA route. They gave me ideas! So I gave up on that. I too am angry, my addition seemed to me to be fueled by her causing triggers for me and causing me to act out. Atypical addict response of blaming.

Questions:
1. Male or female: similiar situation what is your experience?
2. How can I get over my anger? Essentially I was deceived. God is my strength now.
3. Any suggestions on how or what I can do to reach out to my wife. Currently she is avoiding me totally, unless there is family logistics to contend with.

Thats enough for now.

[elizacol]

You say:

"Essentially, I was deceived"

How? By whom?

[789632]

How? By whom?

Well, I'm not sure where you are coming from but for me I have no doubt of the existing of Satan and his legions in this world.

The deception over the last ten years was that this was my thorn in the side. Get used to it. This is common everywhere. etc. I had been to various pastors, religous, councilors, psychiatrists, all basically saying the same thing: You'll grow out of it. The rampant desensitizing that goes on in the media etc. etc. My anger came from "the triggers" my spouse provided over the years: silent treatment, being emotionally distraght, why can't she understand this "normal", the growing hate, etc.

I DO NOT absolve myself of the responsibilty of what I did. I have now placed the anger where it belongs on me and Satan!


789632

[elizacol]

My question was posed because I was wondering if you were blaming someone else (hence, "I was deceived") or accepting blame yourself.

That's all.

I'm glad to see you have accepted responsibility.

I can't help you with your addiction, having never been addicted to anything. Hopefully, someone else can.

As far as tempting by Satan...aren't we all? In varying degrees, and in some way, shape, and form? You are not alone, there.

As for your marriage. Do you want to salvage your marriage? Can you give up your addiction in order to do so? Do you want to give up your addiction? First, you must answer these, in order to know where and how to proceed.

[789632]

As for your marriage. Do you want to salvage your marriage? Can you give up your addiction in order to do so? Do you want to give up your addiction? First, you must answer these, in order to know where and how to proceed.

Absolutely, and through the grace of God, yes, since early October. I realize its always lurking ready to rear its ugly head again but so far so good!

[elizacol]

Congratulations on being 'free' (clean?) since October. One day at a time.

You say, "She is obviously hurt and very angry for the loss of what could have been"

At the risk of sounding trite, it is never too late to begin again. Hard, yes. Impossible, no. I think in this case, it has to begin with you.

Have you checked out Scott's book? That will be an excellent start to how you should be treating your wife. Regardless of how she's treating you, I might add. Don't make your actions dependent upon hers.

Whatever change you want to see in your marriage, YOU be that change. If you want to see more kindness...show your wife kindness. If you want to see less anger...show your wife less anger.

Don't expect overnight results. Many do, and then give up.

She needs to see that you have changed and that you are serious about remaining a changed person. It's going to take time, though. You both have a lot of history that you have to get past and overcome.

I would definitely get Scott's book. His advice, if followed, makes it pretty hard for a woman to not notice, to not feel the love of her spouse.

You might also check out the website called divorcebusters (busting?).com
Great advice and tips there.