Married man seeking advice

[funzers]

the biggest thing here is my confusion. I love my wife dearly and I tell her this. But she has come up to me recently and told me that she is not happy in our marriage. She says that she loves me, I do not make her unhappy, but she is not happy. She has a male friend that she says she cares for and has feeling for; however, she would never act on them because she does not want to hurt me. Our communication is terrible. . . . I do want to talk when something is bothering either of us; she runs to her friends and will not talk to me. i have talked about seeing a marriage counselor, but she does not want that. We each have our own baggage, and I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but the feelings she has for this friend bothers me. I am looking for advice as to how this should be handled or how people have handled similar situations. Do not hold back with your opinions or questions, I want answers.

Thanks in advance

[funzers]

Talking with a friend of mine, I thought I should make this addition: I do tell my wife that I love her; I do tell her why I love her. She tells me though when I say i love you to her, she feels like I am checking up on her. She feels as though she always needs to reaffirm this with me. I admit, I may be needy emotionally, but I was there for her when she was. I left all my family and friends for our move half way across the country because she wanted to be closer to her daughter, but she spends more time talking about and to this other friend (she does spend time talking with other male friends, but this is the one that concerns me.)

She asks why she cannot seek their advice or opinions or have them as friends; I don't have a problem with that. It is when she does not speak with me about problems that are upsetting her (whether they are about us or not). Again, any and all advice is appreciated.

[Scott Haltzman]

Hi Funzers,

Thanks for joining the boards.

Some of the "communication" problems that you describe sound typical. It's like she's speaking one language, you think you understand, and you respond in your language. The more you try to understand each otehr, the more frustated you become. As an example, she's interpreting your attempts to get her to spend less time with this male friend as being controlling. Then she tells you you don't show her you love her. I'll bet that in your mind, asking her to spend time with you and not him is as strong a demonstration that you love her and care about her as you can muster!

Much of what I write about in the book is that men often have the burden of proving their undying devotion to their wives before wives are able to trust that when you want something, it's not going to hurt her in some way. (That's why "Introduce Yourself" is the last of the 8 ways, and not the first).

In most cases, having a close personal male friend (heterosexual) is a big red flag. It is cause for alarm, and often leads to infidelity. It sounds like you've been trying to communicate your devotion, but it won't work unless you're able to do so in her language.

Scott


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[funzers]

I do not have a problem with the male friend--he has been a friend of hers longer than I have known my wife. I have had female friends while we were dating and were married. My problem (confusion) is she sasys she has "feelings" for this guy--she cannot describe them other than to say she cares for him. But he will treat her like garbage. He will push her away when the need suits him. This usually results in my wife feeling very depressed and blaming herself for this. But when he gives her the slightest bit of attention he becomes the greatest person in the world again. My wife can be described as an emotional rollercoaster (a term used by several members of her family) which is why I do not want to speak with this male friend of hers (even though we have been introduced and he has given my wife his approval of me). To say this is a bizzare situation is an understatement. The only way I see things improving is by showing her less attention (the exact opposite of what things should be). Again, I am totally confused.

[tknochld]

Normally I communicate to my wife that I am jealous about a particular situation. Usually that leads to some form of discussion...

[funzers]

that is the problem though--she does not like to talk about things. Before she went on a business trip in early Feb. we did sit down and speak; things since then seem to be better. She is not IM'ing people as much nor is she texting her "friend" as much. We both have our share of family dysfunctionality that we are still tring to work through.