by Philly » Tue May 15, 2012 4:54 pm
My wife recently came to me and told me she is having an affair with her female boss. We have been married for nine years and friends for 25. I never dreamed that this could happen and it has turned my whole world and future upside down. I trusted her completely. I still love her very much and do not want a divorce, but she refuses to end the affair. She says she still loves me and will never love anyone else in the same way, but also tells me she is confused and conflicted. She tells me that she enjoys the sex that we have, but there hasn't been a spark or real passion for years (sex between us isn't crazy, but we often have simultaneous orgasms and the good sex I have with her when she's in the mood is the best I've ever had). She has reawakened that spark and passion with this other woman and wants to keep exploring that. We have had sexual tensions in the marriage for some time (the usual, I want sex more than she does) and I've even felt from the beginning that she married me more for our already strong relationship than on any strong sexual connection (she loves how this woman smells and has never loved the way I smell--is it all down to pheromones?). Problem is she does do it for me and still does. I feel unbelievably conflicted. I want to fight to save our marriage, but just sit at home dying inside when she's over at this woman's house. It's an intolerable situation. She's talking about moving out to get some space to think. We've talked about everything under the sun and laid bare all our deepest thoughts to each other; I've even found myself turned on when she tells me some of the details, but the emotional toll quickly drowns that out. We've even had great sex a couple of times since she told me. It's all so desperately confusing. She won't commit to saving our marriage and won't stop the affair, but she doesn't want to lose what we have either. What can I possibly do, or is it all just doomed? We have two kids as well and I know that divorce will likely cause long-term harm for them. Could I possibly stay married for them and keep my soul and sanity? I am starting therapy for myself on Monday, but every day feels like the longest day of my life.