How do I gain my family back? Is it too late?

[belusom]

Dr. Haltzman,

Please help! I had an affiar with a woman I dated before I met my wife. This other woman, I have no feelings for and when I repeadtedly told this woman that we had to end this affiar, she went ballistic and brought everything out in the open. She told her husband... then her husband called my wife and told her.

Of course, I denied everything and lied over and over, until my wife had enough of my lies and BS. All of this happened around May and now we are nearing the finalization of the divorce. We have only been maried for 2.5 yrs and have a beautiful 1yr old baby. I never wanted to leave them, but now my wife is horrified by me.

She is a wonderful, talented, and classy woman and I can't even begin to explain myself why I did this. I don't care about this other woman.

I am just trying to survive everyday now, trying to figure out what it is that I have to do next, as my wife is being courted and as I only see my daughter maybe sometimes 2x a week.

I love my family, but I am just a outsider now.

Dr. Haltzman, I have been reading your book and becoming aware of my faults as a husband. I know I can make the changes and I am going to do them for myself and for the betterment of my daughter and my wife. I am seeing a counselor already, but all he tells me is to work on myself, don't do anything foolish, and to communicate more effectively. Like you have writen, men do not communicate like women, but I am trying in my own way. I am owning my mistakes and working to make progressons all the time.

My wife, she is a beautiful soul, kind, and tolerable of my BS. She would have given the world! How do I gain this woman back into my life? Forever.

Please help.

[Scott Haltzman]

When you say that you had an affair before you met your wife, what do you mean. That you had a relationship with this woman while she was married? But by the time the husband found out, you had a wife? If you were seeing this woman before you were married, was it while you were dating your wife?
Sorry, just trying to make sense of your story.
-Scott

[belusom]

Dr. Haltzman,

I use to date this woman, then we broke up. This was 5 or 6 years ago.

This woman got married and I married my wife.

This woman and I started a physical relationship in March of this year. This woman, always cheked up on me, and I would reply. Nothing more. This past September, she wanted to meet up and I agreed because I was just curious how she was doing.

How stupid of me!

Her husband called my wife in May and my wife have been separated since then. Divorce paperwork has already been submitted and its just any day now. I never wanted to be away from my wife. The other woman was just curiosity gone terribly wrong.

Can I ever recover my family from this? What do I do? What should I do?

I know that its my wife, that can make this decision.... but how do I show, tell, do, to let her realize that I am changing for the better, after realizing how big of a fool I have been... my wife and daughter is my everything.

Please help me.

[ThunderHorse]

Whether you are divorced, or in the process, a Man can often show love for a woman, by calling her to listen to her. There are two chapters in the Secrets of Married Men book, that discuss listening strategies. Non-judgmental listening, 15 minutes a day is recommended by some marriage improvement programs. Have you sought counseling on improving your listening skills for listening to your wife? The subjects of her venting may be challenging for you to hear.

Sometimes it is too late to get your family back. But another question is, how much are you willing to change, based on the hope you can put your family back together?

Can you give some more info on what you mean by you are making some progress at improving yourself?

[belusom]

Thank you for your reply.

We are already divorced... I have been seeing a counselor for the past few months now... and I think I really am making good progress...

I have realized that the changes that have to be made are from within... and I am fully dedicated to that... I am not seeing random women and not distracting myself with frivolous activities. I think my goals are even more solid now, than ever before. Don't get me wrong, I still have a lot of progressions to make, but I have to be positive more than ever...

We have a beautiful daughter and she is my focus right now... besides myself.

I have tried to be as helpful to my ex-wife, but she refuses to accept any help from me... maybe it's because she is already with someone else... I did this to us, but she says... "she deserves to be happy."

I don't know how that works for her, but I know I can keep myself happy for the time being.

Just trying to be positive about the current situation now.

Seriously, thank you again for your reply.

[ThunderHorse]

Do you see that your wife values an opportunity to talk to you about her ideas, as a venting, thinking-throug process? What is the bvest time of the day to reach your wife, when she has time to vent? How many times a week are you getting a 15 minute session?

What are the challenges/opportunities with your daughter?

What parenting strategies do you find helpful? Books? Tapes? Videos?

In what other ways have you hurt your ex-wife, so that she does not trust you anymore?



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