I had an affair

[midge]

About a year ago I had an affair. My husband found out about it and forgave me. Now I find out that he is looking at porn and saving pictures from different web sites and he even made a file and saved it with pictures of some of my friends on fb with them in their bikinis. He visits porn sites and saves the pictures to a file I found. The thing about it is he talks about God to me and being faithful and then I find these files. He's been suffering from ED for over a year and so I looked up on line to see if viewing porn can cause ED and the aritcles say yes. So my question is how long has he been looking at the stuff? Seems very hipocrital to me to. I know the bible says if a man looks on a woman to lust after her he has already committed adultry with her in his mind. So I think he was looking at this stuff way before I ever had an affair. Any thoughts on this?

[ThunderHorse]

I would distingush between Oggling and Lusting. Lusting means to have a particular woman in mind, with the knowledge of how to contract her, and pursue affactions personally.

Oggling is looking at erotic pictures or videos, without any particular intention to contact the person in the pictures.

Many women do not see much difference between Oggling and Lusting.

Fo Men, Oggling is often a way to discipline themselves, to avoid any temptation of lusting after a woman with whom they come in contact, incidentally. Through oggling, many men satiate their desires and curiosity, and are physically faithful to their partner, with the help of oggling. The temptation of a man to pursue an extramarital sex partner is dimished by the man's oggling. Some wives are understanding of their man's curiosity, and have developed a tolerant understanding of the place of oggling in fidelity.

Some women truly find their male partner's oggling offensive, and may need to explain their higher level of feelings to their man, so the man can be considerate of his wife's feelings.


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[magicsun]

Dear Midge,
I don’t see any problem at all in your marriage. It doesn’t seem like your husband is unfaithful to you just because he is viewing the porn and saves pictures to his computer. Does he have any interaction with other women? Does he try to hide the files with pictures from you? Are there any changes in your sexual life? And the fact that he forgave you only shows that he loves you and want to be with you.
According to Robert Stenberg’s “Theory of Love”, love requires three components: passion, commitment and intimacy. Your husband doesn’t show any attachment to these women. Dr. Scott Haltzman says “Most men love sex. What many women don’t realize, though, is that men love sex with their wives because it brings about an unsurpassed sense of emotional closeness with them”. So don’t be angry with him and respect his needs. Don’t forget men and women are very different.
Dr. Misiurski says, “Attachment and equity enables close relationships”. Your husband represents secure attachment towards you, which rooted in trust. Not every man can forgive an affair and live with it. You are very lucky woman.
Ask him about these pictures and try to listen to him. Try not to judge him and don’t make any accusations. Communication is the best key to any problem.
Hope it helps,
magicsun