How do I stop this nonsense?

[amgtmex]

Hello,
This my first post in this community

First , let me start by saying English is not my native tong, but I'll try my best

I got he book of Dr Scott, secrets of married men because I'm trying to understand my infatuation with a women less than half my age.

First a bit about me and my marriage: I'm 49, happily ( I thought) married for 16 years, we have 2 great kids, 13 and 11, I have a stable job on big corporation, doing middle management, and the business is growing, financially doing ok , intimacy is great (1 to 3 times a week depending how we're feeling) , we're all healthy, so everything seems just fine.

My wife is accommodating to all my needs and desires, I can have all the time I want for myself, to spend on hobbies, friends or whatever I choose to do,
About she and I, we can talk , we can travel, we can go out,
she never makes a fuzz and I try not give her a reason to do it, I help with the kids and the house

I took photography as a hobby, in the process I met a young girl (22) she likes me to take photos of her, fashion stuff , all dressed, I show the photos to my wife, I met the girl a couple of times with the group of photographers, then she contacted me on line to do some 1 on 1 sessions, on the street, nice places in town, twice with a male friend of her helping out, we arrived separately and leave each one to their own business, so far so good ...

Trouble starts when we did a session just her and I, same kind of photos, but she and I alone,
after this I contacted her and ask her to eat a couple of times, she agreed , I gave her a ride to wherever she needed to go afterwards,
this I did not tell my wife, I know is not right, but I had a great time and felt elated, amazingly happy

She will send me messages and just keep reminding me of her, my brain is in overdrive, why me , a grown up man, can not stop this nonsense ?

I talked to a couple of male friends, one tells me: congratulations! you re alive! but do not tell your wife ... (not great help huh ? )
the other one tells me , stop it , it is not worth it

Searching on the internet I got Dr Scott's book, audiobook , I'm listening it (every men should know this stuff, not just married men)

I broke contact for a couple of days with the girl, than last night exchanged messages with her again, just chit chat, what did you do today, what did you eat, have a good night, irrelevant stuff but it brings her back to my mind

I'm realizing somehow my life is predictable, my wife seems predictable, she will agree to anything I suggest, ie: we have day off on Oct 12 I suggested we go somewhere for the long weekend, she said: Any where you like
We trust each other and we both give space to each other, we can each go out with friends, then come back home maybe 10pm at the latest , or eat dinner at home and perhaps spend a great time in bed

I met my wife at work, she quit to take care of the kids
Nowadays she is very much involved with activities at the kids schools,
she is involved in the administration of the community where we live,
she often helps her mother resolve trouble in her side of the family
She is studying french, we hope to go to france in the future
When we talk she often gets so involved in explaining troubles of someone else, all the intricacies, and reasons of someone else's trouble, and I loose interest , I can not fix someone else's trouble, why discuss as if it was a soap opera

She likes to travel with me when I go photograph something, and does not complain if get up at 4am in the morning to go shoot the stars, she will try to stay late with me when we went to the beach and I was shooting the sea at night, but got bored and went back to the room to watch TV

I guess I'm taking my wife for granted

I do not understand myself , I see my self going to the abyss and I kid myself with dreams of spending time with the girl,
I want to understand what is it that I experience with her that I'm not getting with my wife

Thanks if you made it this far, I'll appreciate any comments you may have

[ThunderHorse]

Men have a need to talk out ideas. So you might find someone else to speak to, to fill your needs for conversation.

Wives have a need to vent ant talk, but many wives are not ideal companions for your thinking through ideas.

Managing the 22 year Old, it seems you could wait longer to reply, if the message is not urgent.


Look to the future with your children having grandchildren, and how you want to fit into that picture.


Some men have had forgiving wives, and some men have lost the love of their wives.


A wife can be humiliated by something little. A rule I use is to avoid doing things that I ould want to keep secret from my wife.

Since you are keeping secrets, you may be building up guilt, that may work against you, some day in the future.


//

[Xtracred]

So you are having regular contact with a woman, and it is both making you happy and uncomfortable correct? There were a couple of dinners, but nothing physical if I understand correctly. You also broke contact with her for a couple of days, but then resumed texting again. While there is nothing inherently wrong with either your choice of hobbies, or even meeting the girl for dinner, the fact that it led to these feelings and thoughts are a sure sign that this relationship is not appropriate.

There is a theory called the mere-exposure effect. “The mere-exposure effect is a psychological phenomenon by which people tend to develop a preference for things merely because they are familiar with them. In studies of interpersonal attraction, the more often a person is seen by someone, the more pleasing and likeable that person appears to be.” According to my notes, other influences over our attraction towards others include proximity, functionality, interaction, and availability.

In your case, this girl is nearby. You’ve interacted with her regularly, taken pictures, gone out to dinner, and are still texting each other. By her continued texting, she is making herself open and available, further increasing the likelihood that your affection for her will continue to grow.

If you wish to truly stop this emotional affair, out of sight truly is out of mind. Explain to her however you have to that the relationship is inappropriate and making you uncomfortable and that it can’t continue. Do not return her texts or calls, and do not see her alone. Additionally, make a conscious effort to change your thoughts when you find yourself thinking about her, and inevitably you will find yourself thinking about her less and less.

[tuloquito]

You have been married for 16 years. You have 2 kids, a 13 year old and an 11 year old. You have a good job, financially you’re doing okay, and your relationship with your wife is going great. You decided to take photography as a hobby and in the process you have a met a 22 year old girl who has asked you to take some photos of her (fashion). You have shown the photos to your wife and she seems to be okay with it, she doesn’t make a fuss about it. The girl contacted you one time to do some 1 on one session with her, around the streets, around good places in the city. You go and take some pictures with her (she brings a male friend), and once all that is done you both go your separate way. The problem started when you did a one on one session with her, just and her alone. After that you have contacted her to eat a few times with you, taken her to where she needs to go, but you did not tell your wife. You seemed to have had a great time with her and now you can’t get her out of your mind. There is nothing wrong with you doing photography as a hobby or even the fact that you met this girl while doing experimenting with this hobby, the fact that you are having these feelings for this girl surely seems to indicate that this is not a good thing for your relationship.

I’m currently taking a General Psychology class in which I learned about a theory called the mere exposure effect. Dr. Misiurski says, “The mere-exposure effect is a psychological phenomenon by which people tend to develop a preference for things merely because they are familiar with them. In studies of interpersonal attraction, the more often a person is seen by someone, the more pleasing and likeable that person appears to be.” According to my notes, other influences over our attraction towards others include availability, interaction, and functionally. For example, have you been making yourself available for this person in particular? Have you been having regular interaction with this person? Do you spend a lot of time seeing this person? If you are truly dedicated to stop this feelings from taking over your mind you have to set yourself out of sight from this girl. Try not to message her, it may seem hard but nothing is impossible. Make time for yourself, do something that can keep your mind distracted from thinking about her. Hang out with friends, go bowling, ice skating, etc. It doesn’t matter what you do as long as you keep yourself distracted from having thoughts about her. And if all this doesn’t seem to work then it’s better that you tell her the truth. Explain to her that you are a married man and that you and she can’t keep seeing each other like this, tell her its best if you both go your own way and try to forget.

Dr. Haltzman says, “EMOTIONAL AFFAIRS: Not every intimacy becomes an emotional affair, but every emotional affair begins with intimacy. Emotional infidelity is defined as the growth of a strong psychological bond between two individuals that are not in a committed relationship when one of the two is already in a committed relationship. If neither of these individuals were hitched, they might just be considered to share really strong friendship. But when at least one is involved with outside relationships, this is much, much more than a friendship.”
Even though you might have not realized it, what you’re actually going through is an emotional affair. You and this girl seem to have a strong relationship, whether the relationship is simply a work related one or just friends, this relationship is very strong. Your bond with this girl has caused you to experience very strong feelings for her which could ultimately lead you to destroying your marriage. It may seem like this is just a friendship but in reality this is much more than just a “friendship”.

I honestly have to say that you have shown to understand that this is not a very good thing, other men would suggest this actually good (like some of your friends have suggested). You have stated that one of your friends to you “congratulations! You’re alive! But do not tell your wife ...” This may seem like the right thing to do but you understand that it’s wrong. I suggest that you try and break contact with this girl. Explain to her that as much as you like to stay friends it just isn’t possible. Your feelings towards her are too strong for you to even consider being friends with her. As hard as it may seem you have to try you’re hardest to avoid sending her any text messages. Even though you are not talking with her face to face messaging is almost the same thing, because you are still having interactions with her and all that will do is get your mind set up on thinking about her. I would also suggest that you explain to your wife this problem that you are going through. It may not seem like the smart thing to do at first but it’s better that she finds out from you than one of your male friends as you have stated before that you talked to a few. When you confront your wife I believe that she will be very understanding of you as she has always been, plus you and this girl have only been talking and nothing more than that. And if all that doesn’t seem to help then your last resort would to just go to therapy.