my husband left

my husband left

Postby liza4 » Sun Jan 06, 2013 2:03 am

Married for 10 years, one daughter and pregnant with our first.son.
We have seperated in the past due to infidality i forgave him amd he promised to never hurt me again.everything seemed fine until.this summer when he got a New.job. Everything seemed perfect, we were spending so much time together, we found out i was pregnant and he was so excited. 4/5 months into my pregnancy he started to act distant wantung to go out with his friends alot more. Since i was always so tired.from the pregnancy i didnt fight about it n let him hang out, then it started becoming a every weekend thing, he was always looking for.things to do with his friends leaving no time for me. There was 3 occasions where he didnt cone..home. He was to ”drunk” to drive home or didnt want to risk a dui. We began to argue alot more and with me being so emotional and hormonal i was no help. On several occasions i let my.hormones take over and threaten to kick him out but he always said he would never leave or he was just ignore me. The last straw for me was him lying about going to Work on a weekend night due to overtime for the holidays. I knew he wasent at Work because his Work boots n uniform were still in our closet. when he got home u was so upset, threw all his clothes out of our room n told him i was done. He then responded That he wanted a divorce n we were two different people, his excuse is That we dont have the same intrests. he ended up leaving the next day and we have been seperated for almost a 2 months. I love him and want it to Work but im tired of being hurt. He refuses to go to counseling, when we talk n i asl him where we stand he always answers like he is confused, he says we r different but then he is always calling me to see if me n our daughter are ok, he comes by to pick up our daughter and spends the day with us,, calls me babe, opens doors but then still brings up him wanting to pursue gettibg his own apartment or going out. I recently found out he has another cellphone That i didnt know about. he tells me over and over there is none else but his actions tell me otherwise. I dont know what to do. How did it all become my fault? Ive been so depressed where it seems like hes fine. should i give it time? I find myself not wanting to clear thkngs up because i dont want to hear him say he doesnt want to be with me. He says i did nothing wrong That im special and a good wife.. I dont get it
liza4
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Sun Jan 06, 2013 1:26 am

Re: my husband left

Postby ThunderHorse » Fri Jan 11, 2013 4:21 am

Dear Liza,

Your situation is not than uncommon, yet it is rather complex.

If your husband is considerate, and tells considerate lies, is it important that you try to change him to telling the truth, even when it is inconsiderate to be honest?

You could have posted when your husband started spending more time out of the home, and less time in your pleasure palace. Then people familiar with the challenges of pregnancy for marital relations, could have given you suggestions.

LEGAL QUESTION: Did your husband commit constructive desertion before you threw him out? Do you have proof of his constructive desertion? Does desertion figure into the amount of spousal support and child support? Can you get some legal advice, at a reasonable price?

Certainly if you are an honest, truthful person, it is upsetting if someone is telling you a bunch of lies. But your husband goes to work and is considerate to your family image. Many husbands are unfathful, and many wifes during pregnancy do not make the effort to give their husbands satisfaction in marital relations during preganancy.

Why else do you want to dump your husband?

Can you make up?

If you want to do a Plan B, a separation, you should have insisted on some conditions for a marriage to continue, you first have to lay out what you want. Letters of No contact, less time out of the house whatever.

Then you set a deadline for those actions to take place. Then you insist on separation. But throwing you husband out of the house because you catch him in a considerate lie, is not the recommended path.

There is a book "surviving an affair"

The Wive's Secrets book has a number of suggestions that you have not been implimenting.





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ThunderHorse
 
Posts: 636
Joined: Mon Jul 31, 2006 6:10 pm

Re: my husband left

Postby ThunderHorse » Fri Jan 11, 2013 6:09 pm

Dear Liza,

Imagine that you could turn back the calendar to the first time your husband was going to go out for some non-essential reason.

You may have an opportunity to get back together with your husband, so this is not a far-fetched concpet.

What would you do differently on that day, you now have to live over?

Because your son will take 30 years to get through college, grad school, internships, and unemployed periods finding a job.

Are you planning to spend that thirty years on your own?

Your daughter has another 20 years to get through college and grad shool, etc.

Do you see all these things as not taking the cooperation of your husband?

Do you feel that you can be inconsiderate to your husband, and he will stand by you and your children? For how long?

You don't seem to have things planned out. You seem like you are shooting from the hip.

The World economy is in the dumps. If your husband has a job, and is not disabled, you have a treasure that you are letting slip through your hands.

If you don't have a trust fund, then it seems that your husband's support is important for the future of your children.

What am I missing here?





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ThunderHorse
 
Posts: 636
Joined: Mon Jul 31, 2006 6:10 pm

Re: my husband left

Postby ThunderHorse » Sat Jan 12, 2013 5:11 am

Dear Liza,

So your husband left, after you asked him to leave, because you caught him lying about working overtime, and have now found a second secret extra cell phone. Your husband was attentive until you became pregnant.

What needs does your husband have? Which of his needs are more important to him? After you became pregnant, did you begin neglecting some of his needs? Is there some way that meeting some of your husband's needs became more inconvenient for you? Is there some way that you can make increased accommodations for your difficulties with your pregnancy?

Many women are unaware that their husbands value ego boosting from their wives. You mention that your recognize that your horomes during pregnancy crate mood swings, that may impact your being critical to your husband, more often than before you became pregnant. Any way your husband might appreciate boosting his ego? In what ways, and with what words, can you boost your husband's ego?

Under Taking Care of Yourself, I started a Thread entitled "Asking for Wife's Praise". I put a link below, and you probably have to copy and paste to make it work. You will read some posts in that thread, by women who feel my requests for praise are unreasonable. I have read convincing annecdotes and studies that indicate that many men appreciate compliments, recogniton, and efforts to avoid the presentation of philosphies contradicting their ideas. Can you think of ways you might have contracdicted your husband's beliefs? How could you show more appreciation for the efforts he makes for your children?


http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpBB3/viewtopic.php?f=8&t=307

The ideals for marriage, encpsulted in the phrase, "And they lived happily everafter" does not recognize that marital partners have needs, and if those needs are not met within the marriage, that Temptation arises, when there are people outside the marriage who are willing to meet those needs. What makes it difficult, is that when you feel your husband has been cheating, then you feel less like making accomodations to meet his varried needs.

How can you deal with the feelings of betrayal, and acknowledge your shortcomings, and get your marriage back on track?

I have raised a number of questions in my posts, and you may not wish to post all the answers. I try to raise questions, rather than give advice for situations about which it is important to predict the future.

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ThunderHorse
 
Posts: 636
Joined: Mon Jul 31, 2006 6:10 pm


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