My wife cheated 5 months after wedding while pregnant

My wife cheated 5 months after wedding while pregnant

Postby Stevo » Tue Jan 08, 2013 7:26 am

Hello everyone,

I'm here to get some advice I'm driving myself crazy. Me and my wife got married 28th August 2010 and she got
Pregnant on our honeymoon, everything was ok as far as I knew we got on ok she was a little bit off ish at times, I just thought this was due to the pregnancy. Little did I know she was having an affair from feb 2011. I didn't have a clue at the time in October this year I got a funny feeling that something was going on with one of her current friends, I for the first time since we have been together which is 11 years in total preceded to read her text messages to ease my suspicions.

I only found out from those messages that she was again smoking which she had quit a few years ago which I was hurt by but more in the way she lied about it rather than the fact she was doing it. After descovering this I was still feeling uneasy, we went on holiday the second week in October last year and I found some messages on her Facebook to random guys which didn't mean much but raised suspicions in My head further so I confronted her about these and asked her why she felt she needed to wright such messages. She replied by saying they were just friendly replies we had a deduction about them all and it kind of brought our relationship back to life for the rest of the holiday we got on really well and for the first week when we came back, the weekend after we came back she was going to turky on a 3 day course with work. I started having really horrible feelings that something was still up!!

She traveled down to London on the Saturday night to fly out on the Sunday morning. That Saturday night was the single worst day of my life so far! I found some archived messages on her Facebook that made it very clear she had had a 4 month long affair while she was pregnant with our first child i was devistated to say the least I didn't sleep a wink all night shaking in my bed I've never experienced feelings that strong before. I decided not to say anything to her while she was away, how I did this I will never know!! We do currently live with her parents due to circumstances out of our control, I tried so hard to get out of the house in the morning to go to a friends without her parents finding out. But as soon as I opened my mouth I broke down. I had to tell them all I had found out and they were as shocked as I was as like me they thought she had all she ever wanted in life. My wife was texting me while she was away and it was so hard to be nice back. She did not know I knew at this point and did say she needs to speak to me when she gets back, I just replied "yes we have got some things to sort out". The night she got back I was waiting outside gave her 5 mins to get sorted then went in to see what she had to say. I was so unsure how to react or what to say. She started to tell me about the afair crying saying it has eaten at her every day since she did it that she only slept with him twice. It was always in his van they did alsorts, things I always wanted to do with her but she always said she wasn't into doing those sorts of things, yet she could do it with another man.

I had a couple of days at a friends house popping in to see my little girl we did talk while I was there, I did go and pick her up and go for chats to get more indepth info on why this happened. I am still with my wife now trying to work through it, I have friends to talk to but don't want this to be the only thing we ever talk about. My wife has said she would prefer to forget everything rather than talk about it but I find this so hard, how do I get her to open up to me? What can I do to help with the pain and anguish? I have read some of the other posts on here. My wife is now pregnant with our second child I know it could of happened as we weren't using any contraception I am happy about it but I'm really struggling with my thoughts. She has sworn she would never do it again but what reassurances can I get? Trust is such a hard thing to get back crazy how quick it can be lost!

Thank you, I look forward to your responces!
Stevo
 
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Joined: Tue Jan 08, 2013 6:39 am

Re: My wife cheated 5 months after wedding while pregnant

Postby ThunderHorse » Sat Jan 12, 2013 8:03 pm

Dear Stevo,

You do not mention getting your wife to vent for 15 min per day about her ideas. You seem to be interrupting her with what you want her to talk about.

Evidently, you were not performing the listening fucntion adequately for her during her pregnancy. That is why women cheat. You need to improve your listening skills. See "Listening Strategies for Men" under Communications. Copy and paste the link.

http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpBB3/viewtopic.php?f=9&t=609

There are two chapters in the HUSBAND'S SECRETS book, on listening.

You need to trust yourself, that you have become a top notch listener.

What compliments are you giving your wife. Here is a link to a thread on COMPLIMENTS FOR WIVES under Communication.

http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpBB3/viewtopic.php?f=9&t=477

I suggest that fidelity is amatter of management, rather than a matter fo trust. If you feel that your wife might be wandering, look at your compliments, and your listening skills. There are courses on communications. Which have you taken?

If you know your wife is susceptible to cheating when she is pregnat, then maybe you can avoid further pregnancies. Of if she becomes pregnant again, you can put in extgra effort to meet her needs.

You do not mention any of your wife's particular needs that you could try to fulfill. Now you can also focus on fulfilling the role of Daddy in the family.

What have I missed?




//
ThunderHorse
 
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Joined: Mon Jul 31, 2006 6:10 pm

Re: My wife cheated 5 months after wedding while pregnant

Postby girlnextdoor » Mon Jan 14, 2013 4:41 pm

Hi Stevo...
I'm so sorry to hear that you are dealing with infidelity in your marriage... :? I think it's great that you are willing to work through this issue with your wife. You asked a few questions:
how do I get her to open up to me? What can I do to help with the pain and anguish? I have read some of the other posts on here. My wife is now pregnant with our second child I know it could of happened as we weren't using any contraception I am happy about it but I'm really struggling with my thoughts. She has sworn she would never do it again but what reassurances can I get? Trust is such a hard thing to get back crazy how quick it can be lost!
Really, it's going to be about your wife earning your trust back...by being truthful from here on out. Trust can be rebuilt...but it takes time. Be patient with your wife..maybe get some marital counseling to help with the reason why this happened and to help your wife with opening up to you. Blessings to you and your family!
girlnextdoor
 
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Joined: Fri Jan 11, 2013 11:38 am

Re: My wife cheated 5 months after wedding while pregnant

Postby bosquet » Tue Jul 30, 2013 7:38 am

Steve,

First of all, I find what Thunderhorse said to be deeply offensive to you. You are not at fault in any way. Do not blame yourself or figure out how to change your wife; it is not in your power or your responsibility.

So you know, I had a similar experience with my now ex-wife. She cheated very soon after our marriage (a month or so) and our marriage finally ended several years later when she cheated with our ski instructor, after years of hiring him on our ski trips etc. We were also pregnant with a surrogate when she started with him. After we split up I found out from my friends she was cheating constantly, including in our home. Just awful, horrible, nightmarish stuff. I feel your pain, brother.

What I learned is that my wife, like yours apparently, is deeply broken. Its too involved to go into here, but a woman who has an affair soon after a marriage while pregnant and is an established liar (mine lied about smoking too), will not change no matter what you do. This will continue. She needs to do these things based on a defect in her emotional core. No one can fix it, including you.

No one can tell you what to do but, personally, I am so happy to be rid of my ex-wife who was quietly destroying my sense of self by having me live a false life. I can now give my love and support to a real relationship and a healthy woman.

Really wish you the best,



PS. Very important you print and document everything your wife had done (including written confessions, facebook posts. Everything, for your benefit in a divorce proceedings. Do it before you consider separating so she does not delete things).
bosquet
 
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