I think my wife is cheating. Should I confront her?

I think my wife is cheating. Should I confront her?

Postby Raw1987 » Fri Mar 01, 2013 8:37 am

My wife and I last year had an extremely rough year due to me being all over the country while being in the military and not putting enough effort into our relationship. I don't want to get into all of the details but eventually I was given a wake up call by her mom back in October. Since then I've been working to improve everything, and our relationship has been getting better. However something has been nagging me, she has a ton of male friends, and since last summer I started feeling that she might be involved with a relationship with one of her friends. Should I confront her and ask her about it? My intention would be to get it out in the open and forgive her so we can move on together. Also I would like to include my expectation of her either not talking to him anymore or her taking away all of his hope that he will be with her, if she wants to be with me. Would this be too much? What, if anything, could backfire from this? Thanks, Semper Fi
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Re: I think my wife is cheating. Should I confront her?

Postby ThunderHorse » Thu Mar 07, 2013 7:47 pm

Thanks for your service and scrifice for your country.

One thing you can do whether near or far, is to give your wife 15 mionutes of listening-venting time, every day, or so. There is a Listenitng Strategies for Men thread under the Communications section.

Because you are a hightly principled person, with a strong sense of core values, it will be challenging for you to encourage your wife to discuss all her ideas, particularly those ideas she knows you don't like. Post back the challenges you face. My wife likes to read to me from the Bible. I have figured out how to get along in the society, and I don't need a lecture from the Bible. I feel humiliated that she wants to lecture me. But I follow the rule of 15 miutes, whatever she wants to talk about, or read to me.

What is it your wife likes to talk about that you don't like to hear? When was the last time you took time to initiate a vent session, when you actually had 15 minutes to listen to her? If you are not spending 15 minutes letting her vent, you are inviting her to go talk to somebody else. The Men's secrets book has two chapters on listening.

What do you know about foreplay? I am trying to do better with massage and my finger tips. Give me some pointers on arousal.,

Basically, my suggestion is for you to do better as a lover, yourself. Blow the competition out of the water. Have it so your wife has no interest in talking to other guys.

There are times when things become obious, that you may need to create a quiet moment ot ask for increased fidelity.

My wife is ADD, so I need to have short phrsase to mention occasionally.

How about, "Thanks for letting me know where you have been, because that gives me a feeling that my efforts for the marriage are appreciated, and that trust is expanding. Have you heard anything from your mother lately?" Maybe she is making up a story, and has bgeen making out with another guy, but you can express your ideals of marriage and family, in a non-instrusive manner.

"Your smile sure makes it feel like I am smart to pass by all the other women that cross my path." This means you are being fathful to her. Have you given your wife reason to think you accept, or practice, infidelity?

Work on finding ways to change yourself into a better husband, first, before asking her to change.

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Joined: Mon Jul 31, 2006 6:10 pm

Re: I think my wife is cheating. Should I confront her?

Postby PsychStudent816 » Mon Dec 02, 2013 11:20 am

Dear Semper Fi,
I am aware that the problem you are having is that you are concerned your wife is cheating? And you would like to confront her about it, but you’re just not sure how to. I’ve had a friend that has gone through this recently and from being there for them I think I will benefit you as well. They as well were having assumptions that their wife was also cheating on them. However they had proof. Since he did not want to ruin everything if this was not true, he was not sure how to go about confronting her. You have to go in with a strong attitude and do not let them make you feel like this is in any way your fault. Although this is rough, im hoping some of my other information will help you as well.

“Robert Stenberg views attraction as a triangle having three sides. Passion, commitment and intimacy.” First take a step back, and think Semper Fi, is your relationship missing any of these three major components? If so, maybe that is where the problem started in the first place. Also stated in class was that you and your spouse both need to be good at “maintaining a close relationship.” This is in equal part both you and your spouse. As said in my class “Equity is what you get is what you put in” the effort you are receiving from your spouse, is the same amount of effort you are putting into your relationship. Maybe putting in a little more effort, your spouse will as well. “Self-disclosure is revealing intimate aspects of oneself to others. Attachment is trust and intimacy.” As Dr. Scott states on in face book page “When a married individual becomes attracted to a person outside the marriage, a series of chemical and hormonal changes in the brain is set in motion that get the addiction off and running. If you strip away the romantic outer coat of “falling in love”, you find the cold hard stuff of medical science.”

Many things have to be established before just jumping in and telling your spouse you believe they could be cheating. Take a step back and just make sure your relationship has all six of these characteristics mentioned above. The truth may be right in with these helpful tips. And if you realize there is a problem when thinking about these six characteristics, maybe it’s something just triggering you to believe your spouse is cheating. Don’t let your spouse feel like she has to fall out of love with you and into the arms of someone else just to feel some intimacy. Look into the underlying problems of your relationship before jumping in and saying she’s cheating. Jumping to conclusions can cause you to go crazy, and have a tremendous amount of problems.

Semper Fi, I feel as if you are putting as much into your relationship as you feel needed, and that is great. However, don’t let your assumptions and worrying about it “backfiring” onto you. If your spouse gets defensive when asked about your accusations, or seems to just get annoyed or pissed off, something is up. There is no reason that your spouse should feel the need to get angry or feel mad because you asked, and if they do, they are guilty. And their truly mad because they never thought you would find out. The steps that you could take would be 1. Sit your spouse down. 2. Talk about how you feel, if talking isn’t going to work, write it down. 3. Hand her the letter you maybe have wrote 4. Watch her face as she reads or hears what you have to say 5. Make sure to go into the conversation strong, stand your ground with the issue and problem that you are facing 6. Do not let them turn it around on you and 7. If the problem is out there on the table, the only thing left to do is fix it or decide it’s time to bury it and move on. I hope this information has helped you Semper Fi. Good luck.
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