Emotinal Infedility...Sort Of

Emotinal Infedility...Sort Of

Postby kangani » Tue Jul 16, 2013 4:23 pm

Here is my story. I hope it isn't too rambling, but I am having a hard time sorting everything out in my head. About 3 weeks ago, my husband (of 8 years, together 13 years) went to a film shoot where he played a Civil War soldier. Those at the event were mainly hobby reenactors, not real actors. As a hobbyist he stayed in a tent for 5 nights. When he got home he told me he had let a fellow female reenactor he had just met sleep in his tent because of a huge rain storm which flooded her tent. He slept on the air mattress and she on the ground. He gave her a couple blankets and let her share those on top of him too because she was cold, but she was on the ground the entire time.

Normally this would not have bothered me. I trust my husband and know he wouldn't cheat. He has many other female friends including an ex-fiance and I have never batted an eye.

However, he didn't tell me about the woman when I spoke to him during the event. Normally he would have "asked" if it was okay and I would have been fine with it. I think the fact he didn't ask or mention it at the time is what triggered my insecurity. Since the event he has friended the woman on Facebook and for several nights was up late chatting to her.

I have brought up my concerns, not that it is/was physical, but that it may turn into something more. He has assured me that it won't, has offered to let me see his chat thread, has offered to unfriend her, has offered to be sure he won't see her at any other events (she lives about 2.5 hours away and he doesn't expect to see her at more than one a year). Overall he has been very supportive and more than understanding and respectful of my feelings. I don't want him to have to unfriend this woman. My husband has a hard time making friends and I don't want to stand in the way if he has "clicked" with someone as a friend. But I am having a horrible time getting the "gut instinct" that there is something else up to go away. When my rational mind takes over I completely believe him, nothing is going on and I really don't think anything happened. But then I have one of my breakdowns-throwing up, hysterical crying etc. triggered tiny things, for example her liking my husband's Facebook status. I have never had anything like this before in my life and it scares me. My husband wants me to see someone, and is very worried about me.

Since I have been having these panic attacks my husband has taken a step back. He doesn't chat with her as much and has come straight out an told her he is only interested in friendship-which she has completely agreed with. He also said looking back at their conversations they could be read into and he isn't so sure that she wasn't looking for something more (she is in an open marriage), sort of feeling him out, at the start. As we have been talking about this the last few weeks I think the thing that bothers me most is the possibility of an emotional affair. I don't think the thought even crossed his mind-he was just excited to have a new friend. But I still can't get past that it might happen. What I know of her makes me very jealous and I think that may be the part of the issue. He said he had so much fun with her and missed that we don't have as much fun as before we had our 18 month old. Until I really started to let him know how much this upset me, it felt like he was spending more time with her, and looking forward to chatting more with her than me.

To complicate matters I was very ill while hubby was away and was on codeine and mega antibiotics, both of which can cause delusions (I found out after the fact) and I wonder if this may have contributed to the situation.

On the positive side this has given us the kick in the pants we have both needed to focus on us and our relationship (more intimacy, hugs, kisses, "I love yous") which have gone by the wayside since the baby. We have even scheduled a weekend away in August.

Anyway, I think I am asking for advice on how to start getting over this. I don't really know where to go or start. I am still having these episodes of doubt, some mild others major. I have considered talking to a counselor, and my husband is very willing to go with me for support if I need or for couples counseling if that is what I need to get past this. Any advice or similar situations are welcome. Sorry for the ramble!
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Joined: Tue Jul 16, 2013 3:52 pm

Re: Emotinal Infedility...Sort Of

Postby ThunderHorse » Sun Aug 04, 2013 9:20 pm

Dear Kanjani,

I try to avoid giving advice, but rather discuss marital principles that might apply to the situation for the person posting.

I will try to be supportive, while also trying to be impartial.

I am willing to discuss your situation as it evolves.

You did not agree to an open marriage, so your have a right to a traditional marriage.

Marriage means that the husband agrees to forego the delights and pleasures that he might experience with other women. It is not for you, the wife, to feel sad that your husband has to forgo the delights with other women. That is how marriage has worked through the ages.

There are two ways in which a husband's relationship with another woman can get out of hand. One is the relationship is getting too close to adultery. The other, in your case, is when the relationship with the other woman is having an adverse impact on the wife or family.

Once concept is a No Contact or Limited Contact letter. Unfriending on facebook may not be necessary, but limiting contact in some way should be considered.

Best Wishes

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