HELLO!!!! I'm New here

HELLO!!!! I'm New here

Postby Rebecca01 » Wed Aug 14, 2013 12:36 am

I kicked my husband out a little over 2 months ago cos I found out he had cheated on me. This was his second chance (that I'm aware of). When he and I started dating 8 years ago, I was not aware that he was in a "relationship" he had never met the gal in person, she lives in Canada - right above Michigan - and all their contact was via computer and phone, along with sexting and (since I don't know what it's called) they would masturbate while on a video chat. When we got serious he ended the relationship but soon got back with her - however I was unaware of it. There was again the same contact. I found out that they were "back together" and broke up with him -- kicked him out. He came back to me a couple of weeks later, apologized and told me it would never happen again. I believed him and told him that if he ever did anything like that again we were done, I would end the relationship. I told him that sort of contact with anyone other than me was not acceptable and I considered it cheating. Fast forward to a couple of months ago, I find out that he's been with a gal that he's been in school with and the night before I found out about the cheating he had told me he was going to go to a local restaurant with some friends from school and have dinner - it was the last night they'd all be together. So he comes home and he's a different guy, smiling and happy and excited - come to find out he had just made out with this gal -- lots of over and under clothes stuff too. He came clean when I confronted him about cheating on me, the next day. Then I also found out that he was having the same sort of relationship as he did when we first were dating, but now, with his cousin. So who knows who else this has been going on with throughout our relationship. Of course he will only admit to the three of them and no one else but I just don't trust him.
Rebecca01
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Aug 14, 2013 12:07 am

Re: HELLO!!!! I'm New here

Postby ThunderHorse » Fri Aug 16, 2013 7:55 pm

Dear Rebecca,

Thank you for starting a thread that concerns the modern issues of smart phones and lap tops.

It is disappointing when a loved one promises to do better, then backslides.

Part of psychology is the study of compartmentalizing. This allows individuals to be in denial of the consequences of getting caught. The enjoyment of stimulation is commonly associated with secrecy. Many people keep much of the information they have about sex, secret, and do not disclose information that they may know or suspect, to anyone.

So trying to form a support group to assist in something like cheaters anonymous is challenging.

It seems that you are open to solutions, within the framework of your standards, but your estranged husband does not seem to be able to meet your minimum standards.

Today, in most jurisdictions, there are laws providing No-Fault divorces. In the 1950's, many states had laws preventing divorce, except for the reason of legally defined adultery. So the change is somewhat new, that women can set whatever standards of definitions for infidelity, they see fit, for divorce.

It seems that your husband is still interested in being married to you, but lacks the self-discipline to provide the level of exclusivity that you, and many women, feel they deserve. The number of women who have decided against marriage, has been increasing in the US, and has how recently reached a majority.

It seems from your post that you are in the thought process of finalizing your decision to divorce your undisciplined husband.

Do you have other prospects for a husband who would be less philandering? Would you prefer to remain single, rather than risk embarrassment by a smart phone?

Have you asked your husband if there are ways to structure your relationship, so that he could better keep his promises? Have you confided in a counselor, who might have ideas for improving things, for the future?

Have you looked at the Secrets of Married Women?


THE SECRETS OF HAPPILY MARRIED WOMEN, HOW TO GET MORE OUT OF YOUR RELATIONSIP BY DOING LESS, 2008, BY Haltzman and DiGeronimo
Table of Contents:
1. Know Your Husband
2. Nurture His Needs - and Yours
3. Fight Better
4. Talk Less
5. Have Lots of Sex
6. Take Charge of Your Own Happiness
7. Heal Thyself


It seems that you are in the final stages of finalizing your decision to divorce your husband.

Some women have decided to remain married to husbands who are less disciplined than your expectations for your husband. To help you think your final decision, perhaps it would be helpful explain to such forgiving and tolerant women, all the ways in which they are making the wrong choice, and why your decision is superior to their laid-back attitudes.

I have tried to be supportive to your initial decision to dump your husband, while also trying to encourage you to look at the foundations of your decision. These concepts are in conflict, but I have attempted to be positive. I wish I had a real answer.






//
ThunderHorse
 
Posts: 636
Joined: Mon Jul 31, 2006 6:10 pm

Re: HELLO!!!! I'm New here

Postby ThunderHorse » Sun Aug 18, 2013 5:48 pm

Dear Rebecca,

You ended your post with the concept, "...but I just don't trust him"

In some marriages, trust is along traditional lines, and for other marriages, trust is not a straight line. There can be degrees of trust in various aspects of marriage.

There are several different approaches you might decide upon.

There are counselors and programs that are willing to accept the goal of increasing the husband's discipline in resisting the temptation of flirting with laptops, smart phones, and expressive physical contact. Your husband has indicated that he wishes to promise to avoid future violations. Can you ask him to find a program or a counselor who will take him as a client to improve his resistance to temptation?

Can you find trust in his willingness to work on flirting? Changing habits sometimes involves back sliding. Can your husband earn your trust to improve his resistance to flirting, by making efforts to seek counseling to better control hi temptation to flirt?

The mayor of San Diego, California has recently, August 2013, made headlines for excessive flirting. The mayor has admitted his advances were inappropriate, and has completed a program. Maybe the mayor will need further rehab, if he backslides.

Your husband admits he was mistaken. Is he wiling to participate in counseling? Are you willing to see trust in his love for you, in that he is wiling to seek counseling?



//
ThunderHorse
 
Posts: 636
Joined: Mon Jul 31, 2006 6:10 pm


Return to Infidelity

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 6 guests

cron