she cheats i 'm hurt

[Richard]

i just found out a couple of weeks ago that my wife is pregnant.and is having an abortion because it is not mine.We've been intimate once in six months because she doesn't know if she loves me and she isn't attracted to me because of the problems we have had.

I decided to forgive her and stay but I cant get over the thoughts of her with some one else.

how can I trust her again?

[elizacol]

There is no single answer to 'how' you will trust her again. Time and effort, (and willingness) on both of your parts will have to occur.

You're going through hell, no doubt about it. All you can do is wade your way through it.

You may have to 'start' over. YOU fix what you need to fix (whatever caused her to 'not love you anymore'), and hopefully, she will 'fix' whatever she needs to fix.

You can't control her. You can only control yourself. Right now, your anger is justified, which is going to make it hard for you to do what you need to do to make amends for whatever faults you brought to your marriage.

If you don't think of your mutual mistakes in degrees, as in hers was WAY worse than yours...than that might help. We all make mistakes. No one is perfect. It's what we do with those mistakes that counts.

So, what is she going to do about her mistake(s)?

What are you going to do about your mistake(s)?

What personal growth are you both willing to undergo to 1) come out better for having gone thru this and 2) come out stronger in your marriage.

I can't relate fully to what you are going thru, but partially, yes. I feel for you.

[Richard]

Thanks for the support, I realy want to trust her but I find my self checking the history on the comp. and caller i.d. Its hard to just stop and let her be, because i'm always worried about where she is ect....

[elizacol]

You know what? The feeling of 'needing' to check is normal!!! She broke your trust, so OF COURSE you don't trust her. That is a natural consequence.

And honestly, she should do everything she can right now to be transparent....allow you to check because right now, you need the reassurance and she needs to do whatever she can to give it to you.

That 'need' will end, it really will. I haven't felt the need to check my H's phone or e-mail for a couple of months now. It is actually a good feeling!

He let me check his phone once he truly WAS done communicating w/his 'friend'. Up until that point, even when he 'said' he wasn't communicating w/her, he wouldn't let me check his phone. THAT was a big clue that he was hiding something from me.

Once he stopped communicating w/her, he had nothing to hide, so of course he was going to let me check his phone. So, she should be open to letting you check, unless she has something to hide or is not truly at the point where she is ready to do what SHE needs to do to make amends w/you.

Just keep in the back of your mind that the feelings will end, eventually.
Take the baby steps right now. Keep the communication open, show love towards each other, etc.

You have a long road ahead of you. Just take 1 day at a time.