ccb3 wrote:I have been married to someone I thought was a great guy for 30 yrs. He is a very successful professional and I have stayed home to raise our 3 children. After our oldest went off to college, he turned 52, and finally slowed down at work. I thought we were transitioning to a slower pace. But instead he became crabby and overall hard to be around. He never seemed happy to be at home, complained incessantly about work, friends, family. He always put himself first, never compromising what he wanted to do. Our relationship grew distant. This was not the guy I married. Then, a year ago, I discovered sexts from two young female coworkers on his cell phone. I was totally shocked! I confronted him and he confessed that they were young and cute and he thought it was fun...goofing around, with a bit of inappropriateness thrown in. It took a good four months of talking before he would even call it cheating. He says there was nothing physical going on. He says there was nothing emotional going on. But he has confessed to going out for lunch alone once with one of them and going for after work drinks with them, in a group, a half a dozen times, picking up the tab of course. He also confesses to buying them small gifts and cards. This went on for approx. 18 months. He chalks this all up to not feeling good about getting old. He says he never thought about divorce and thought what he was doing was harmless. He does seem to be contrite. He swears it would never happen again. The trouble is, this is not me. I don't do cheating. I love my husband and want to protect my girls, but my feelings have changed. I no longer see him as a "good guy". I feel like I am always looking over my shoulder. We have kept this just between the two of us, no family, no friends, no professionals. It has been a year, does it ever get any better?
ccb3 wrote:Thanks for your response TH. Let me say "looking over my shoulder" means looking for signs he is backsliding. He still works with these women and countless others. There was a time I didn't think it was possible he would ever cheat and now I wonder if its possible for him not to.
And no, his current behavior doesn't give me reason to think he is behaving badly, but my mind triggers a vigilance...I am, in fact, always checkin in on him. And although I don't do it openely and in his face, I'm sure it wears on him as well.
When I discovered the sext on his phone, I was angry and hurt, but it was me that responded by asking him to work on our marraige and renew our love. For a month I reached out in every way to understand and heal. Then I found the second sext. That's when I knew that he could look me in the eyes and tell me he loved me, wanted no one but me, and walk into the other room and text someone else's wife. It's a harsh reality to deal with.
I read the communcation thread with interest. I'm certain I have had my moments of being hyper critical of my husband and kids. But constant arguing/bickering is not a problem in our marraige. And yes my husband's crabbiness is gone, although he still plays way too much golf. My husband is trying to be a good husband. We have date nights, get away now and then and he tries to be appreciative and loving. We have fun. Our relationship now is not the problem. I often think, if I could take a pill and forget all about the cheating, I would be so happy. But I can't and the betrayal still hurts.
As far as actions...I don't want to leave my husband and break apart our family. What I really want is to feel better about staying. My husband says he is ashamed of what he's done. He is trying to be a better spouse and in the end, as he likes to remind me, "I can't undo the past, all I can do is be better going forward".
But sometimes that just doesn't feel like enough. I feel injured. It's like I was in a terrible accident and I lost my leg and now I have to learn to be happy with one leg. But it wasn't an accident it was a purposeful injury caused by the one person in the world who was supposed to have my back. The other night I had a dream. I was getting married to this man (not my husband) and we were planning this wonderful honeymoon and I was so in love, felt so special, so cherished and beautiful. I just wanted to give him my whole heart, invest my whole being in him. I want to feel that way about the man I woke up next to.
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 57 guests