Midlife crises??

Midlife crises??

Postby ccb3 » Wed Oct 23, 2013 3:56 pm

I have been married to someone I thought was a great guy for 30 yrs. He is a very successful professional and I have stayed home to raise our 3 children. After our oldest went off to college, he turned 52, and finally slowed down at work. I thought we were transitioning to a slower pace. But instead he became crabby and overall hard to be around. He never seemed happy to be at home, complained incessantly about work, friends, family. He always put himself first, never compromising what he wanted to do. Our relationship grew distant. This was not the guy I married. Then, a year ago, I discovered sexts from two young female coworkers on his cell phone. I was totally shocked! I confronted him and he confessed that they were young and cute and he thought it was fun...goofing around, with a bit of inappropriateness thrown in. It took a good four months of talking before he would even call it cheating. He says there was nothing physical going on. He says there was nothing emotional going on. But he has confessed to going out for lunch alone once with one of them and going for after work drinks with them, in a group, a half a dozen times, picking up the tab of course. He also confesses to buying them small gifts and cards. This went on for approx. 18 months. He chalks this all up to not feeling good about getting old. He says he never thought about divorce and thought what he was doing was harmless. He does seem to be contrite. He swears it would never happen again. The trouble is, this is not me. I don't do cheating. I love my husband and want to protect my girls, but my feelings have changed. I no longer see him as a "good guy". I feel like I am always looking over my shoulder. We have kept this just between the two of us, no family, no friends, no professionals. It has been a year, does it ever get any better?
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Re: Midlife crises??

Postby ccb3 » Sat Oct 26, 2013 2:38 pm

I guess part of my question is...is a midlife crisis real or a myth? My husband acts almost like a victim in this. He kind of looks at it like he doesn't know how it happened or why. What??? Is this just plain ol scapegoating?

Initially he blamed me. He said a lot of "I thought you didn't care" but on closer examination, he admitted that a lot of the distance between us was caused by him. Then for a while he blamed these women who "snared him in some evil web of sleaze". I had to listen to him describe these women as flirtacious skanks always trying to lure him in. But unfortunately I had his cell phone records which showed he texted them, and yes once in a while they intiated it, but most of the time it was him. Now his story is it was a typical midlife crisis. That he felt he was losing his stride and the flirting etc was all about recapturing his youth. But it was a slippery slope and flirting turned to texting and texting turned into seeking alone time together at work and time together led to little surprises and gifts and drinks after work and meeting for lunch.

He says he sees his series of bad decisions and he's baffled by his actions. I see it as he was one of those middle aged men - in my younger working days I saw my share of them. They thought they were sexy and attractive and rather than offend them you "played the game". I think if either one of these women had wanted to take it further, it woulda happened. He would of been more than happy to accomodate them. I think he was totally infatuated with one of them and the other was the consolation prize when he realized the first one wasn't that into him. I think he was looking for an affair and just hadn't found it yet. But he says he was never going there and had rationalized it in his mind that if it didn't get physical it wasn't really cheating. He says he never confided anything to them and never bad mouthed me or our relationship, that it was all about lust.
Our own relationship was kind of same old, same old. But we never fought over much of anything, except when I would complain about him never being around much, or always being in a foul mood. And we never stopped having sex - often. Although I complained that there wasn't much love involved. Apparently he did seek some counseling at some point. I read something about midlife crises at that point and truly believed he was there. But I felt he needed space to work it out - boy was I wrong. I ignored all the signs and actually gave my blessing to outings that I realize now were time spent with them. I do take 50% of the blame for the staleness that had creeped into our relationship. Although I complained about the unhealthy changes in our relationship, I didn't really do anything to change it. I am guilty too.
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Re: Midlife crises??

Postby ThunderHorse » Sun Oct 27, 2013 12:58 pm

ccb3 wrote:I have been married to someone I thought was a great guy for 30 yrs. He is a very successful professional and I have stayed home to raise our 3 children. After our oldest went off to college, he turned 52, and finally slowed down at work. I thought we were transitioning to a slower pace. But instead he became crabby and overall hard to be around. He never seemed happy to be at home, complained incessantly about work, friends, family. He always put himself first, never compromising what he wanted to do. Our relationship grew distant. This was not the guy I married. Then, a year ago, I discovered sexts from two young female coworkers on his cell phone. I was totally shocked! I confronted him and he confessed that they were young and cute and he thought it was fun...goofing around, with a bit of inappropriateness thrown in. It took a good four months of talking before he would even call it cheating. He says there was nothing physical going on. He says there was nothing emotional going on. But he has confessed to going out for lunch alone once with one of them and going for after work drinks with them, in a group, a half a dozen times, picking up the tab of course. He also confesses to buying them small gifts and cards. This went on for approx. 18 months. He chalks this all up to not feeling good about getting old. He says he never thought about divorce and thought what he was doing was harmless. He does seem to be contrite. He swears it would never happen again. The trouble is, this is not me. I don't do cheating. I love my husband and want to protect my girls, but my feelings have changed. I no longer see him as a "good guy". I feel like I am always looking over my shoulder. We have kept this just between the two of us, no family, no friends, no professionals. It has been a year, does it ever get any better?


Your feelings are important.

You can choose to act, which may create unexpected repercussions.

You can choose not to act, and things may get out of hand, while you have chosen inaction.

What do you mean "looking over your shoulder"?


What options for action are you considering? What are the benefits/risks of each?

To what extent are you checking reality? To what extent does your husband feel you are checking on him? To what extent does your husband share information, so that you can feel confident in the reality he is presenting?

Is there any way in which your husband feels you could do more to help him with his mid-life crisis? What type of counseling could you find to feel more comfortable with your selection of a mix of action/inaction?

Is he still crabby? Abusive? Check the Boring Baroque Response, Suzette Elgin, under Communications, "Help my wife is hyper critical" thread.

What were his complaints? Logical? Overly picky?


//
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Re: Midlife crises??

Postby ccb3 » Mon Oct 28, 2013 9:02 am

Thanks for your response TH. Let me say "looking over my shoulder" means looking for signs he is backsliding. He still works with these women and countless others. There was a time I didn't think it was possible he would ever cheat and now I wonder if its possible for him not to.

And no, his current behavior doesn't give me reason to think he is behaving badly, but my mind triggers a vigilance...I am, in fact, always checkin in on him. And although I don't do it openely and in his face, I'm sure it wears on him as well.

When I discovered the sext on his phone, I was angry and hurt, but it was me that responded by asking him to work on our marraige and renew our love. For a month I reached out in every way to understand and heal. Then I found the second sext. That's when I knew that he could look me in the eyes and tell me he loved me, wanted no one but me, and walk into the other room and text someone else's wife. It's a harsh reality to deal with.

I read the communcation thread with interest. I'm certain I have had my moments of being hyper critical of my husband and kids. But constant arguing/bickering is not a problem in our marraige. And yes my husband's crabbiness is gone, although he still plays way too much golf. My husband is trying to be a good husband. We have date nights, get away now and then and he tries to be appreciative and loving. We have fun. Our relationship now is not the problem. I often think, if I could take a pill and forget all about the cheating, I would be so happy. But I can't and the betrayal still hurts.

As far as actions...I don't want to leave my husband and break apart our family. What I really want is to feel better about staying. My husband says he is ashamed of what he's done. He is trying to be a better spouse and in the end, as he likes to remind me, "I can't undo the past, all I can do is be better going forward".

But sometimes that just doesn't feel like enough. I feel injured. It's like I was in a terrible accident and I lost my leg and now I have to learn to be happy with one leg. But it wasn't an accident it was a purposeful injury caused by the one person in the world who was supposed to have my back. The other night I had a dream. I was getting married to this man (not my husband) and we were planning this wonderful honeymoon and I was so in love, felt so special, so cherished and beautiful. I just wanted to give him my whole heart, invest my whole being in him. I want to feel that way about the man I woke up next to.
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Re: Midlife crises??

Postby ThunderHorse » Sat Nov 02, 2013 4:57 pm

ccb3 wrote:Thanks for your response TH. Let me say "looking over my shoulder" means looking for signs he is backsliding. He still works with these women and countless others. There was a time I didn't think it was possible he would ever cheat and now I wonder if its possible for him not to.

And no, his current behavior doesn't give me reason to think he is behaving badly, but my mind triggers a vigilance...I am, in fact, always checkin in on him. And although I don't do it openely and in his face, I'm sure it wears on him as well.

When I discovered the sext on his phone, I was angry and hurt, but it was me that responded by asking him to work on our marraige and renew our love. For a month I reached out in every way to understand and heal. Then I found the second sext. That's when I knew that he could look me in the eyes and tell me he loved me, wanted no one but me, and walk into the other room and text someone else's wife. It's a harsh reality to deal with.

I read the communcation thread with interest. I'm certain I have had my moments of being hyper critical of my husband and kids. But constant arguing/bickering is not a problem in our marraige. And yes my husband's crabbiness is gone, although he still plays way too much golf. My husband is trying to be a good husband. We have date nights, get away now and then and he tries to be appreciative and loving. We have fun. Our relationship now is not the problem. I often think, if I could take a pill and forget all about the cheating, I would be so happy. But I can't and the betrayal still hurts.

As far as actions...I don't want to leave my husband and break apart our family. What I really want is to feel better about staying. My husband says he is ashamed of what he's done. He is trying to be a better spouse and in the end, as he likes to remind me, "I can't undo the past, all I can do is be better going forward".

But sometimes that just doesn't feel like enough. I feel injured. It's like I was in a terrible accident and I lost my leg and now I have to learn to be happy with one leg. But it wasn't an accident it was a purposeful injury caused by the one person in the world who was supposed to have my back. The other night I had a dream. I was getting married to this man (not my husband) and we were planning this wonderful honeymoon and I was so in love, felt so special, so cherished and beautiful. I just wanted to give him my whole heart, invest my whole being in him. I want to feel that way about the man I woke up next to.


While your hurt is real, it may also be wise to look at the bigger picture.

One advantage of his Emotional Affairs is that your husband cannot claim hurt, for himself, that you are checking on him. You have apparently squelched your husband's temptations, before any VD was contracted.

You may now be in a position to review records, without restriction, which is more power than before your husband's indiscretions.

You are also in a position to arrange for Plan A and Plan B. Plan A is extending cooperation, and Plan B is separating, if your terms are not met.

The FIFTH DISIPLINE is a book on team work in business, and the moving target of optimal adaptability for teamwork responding to changes. So, nobody knows how smart you are!



//
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Re: Midlife crises??

Postby psychologyMajor25 » Tue Dec 03, 2013 1:00 am

Thank you for posting your dilemma.
So you caught your husband of 30 years “sexting” other female co workers and he confessed but not making it seem like such a big deal until 4 months later he finally thought of it as cheating even though he said it was nothing emotional. A year has passed and nothing has changed you don’t feel like you trust him completely since you’re always looking over your shoulder and now you’re wondering if it even gets better. My question for you is have you been romantically involved? Have you talked about your trust issues towards him? Does he seem like he’s back at sexting the girls again? Do you feel as if he wants to work on your relationship?

I have learned that to maintain a close relationship you have to have Equity (What you get is what you put in), Self Disclosure (Revealing intimate aspects of oneself to others) and Attachment (Trust and Intimacy). I’ve also learned something from Dr. Haltzman that to maintain a successful marriage you must make it your job.

From what I’ve learned that connects to your dilemma is that you must have equity, self disclosure and attachment. Maybe you feel like nothing has changed in over the year because you don’t feel like you don’t have that much equity between you both. While reading your dilemma from even before you found him sexting you said he was crabby and not fun to be around and now a year after finding the sexting you don’t feel like it’s getting any better because it your relationship wasn’t so exciting and great for a while even before you found the texts you were missing that spark. Now a year later there’s still no spark and now you have a reason to maybe question whether or not you will ever be happy with this man. Self Disclosure means you must reveal intimate aspects of oneself to others, this connects to you because it took you months to get it out of your husband that he wasn’t doing the right thing. Maybe it’s time to have that talk, Did he keep anything else from you? Has anything happened since then? Attachment, Trust and Intimacy are definitely a main factor onto why you feel as if nothings changing. If you feel as you always have to look over your shoulder, then you don’t trust him. He has to regain that trust from you and you must be intimate because being intimate is a part of a relationship. Also what I’ve learned from Dr.Haltzman is that a secret to a happy marriage is that you MUST make marriage your job. Since your husband spends less time working you should talk to him and make that extra time focusing on rebuilding your relationship. Right now you feel as if it’s not getting any better but you both as a couple haven’t made any positive changes to make it better. Dr.Haltzman also says that you must nurture his needs and you must have lots of sex because that’s what any relationship needs it will bring you together emotionally.

If I were in your shoes the first thing I would do is talk to him about how your feeling and if he feels as if he wants to change his normal routine and try to make the relationship work then that is the first step. I’ve been in your situation with a prior boyfriend who I caught texting other girls and hanging out with them but I walked away from that situation because I had no reason to be with him I had no kids. You have kids but there all grown up now you don’t have to worry as much that you’re running a family. Now it’s more in your shoes what you want to do with YOUR life. If you want to work on this relationship with your husband to potentially make it better or say you’ve tried and walk away. You could not try and stay unhappy, always looking over your shoulder. Or you could walk away without even trying. Those options are all on you because in your heart you know what’s best and what you truly want. But in my opinion, I believe you will be happy in any decision you make because you’ve tried, not only stayed with him a year longer but looked for help from other people ( Dr.scott.com).
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