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ok i have been married for 3 years now and before i was married i would use camgirl websites and i continued to use them for the first 6 months of my marriage because my wife told me she was ok with porn and strip clubs. I consider a camgirl site the same as an online strip club/porn. my wife found out i was using cam sites and she went crazy on me and thinks i cheated on her for those 6 months. the way she sees it is that im forming a personal relationship with them and watching them masturbate. i try to explain that i consider it like an online strip club, but she has none of that. now i have not used them in the last 2 1/2 years of our marriage but she just can let go of it and it has just got worse and worse with her attitude towards me. lately she hates me as soon as i wake up and start talking to her. I dont know what to do, she is very short tempered with me and doesn't trust me at all. I have bent over backwards trying to make things right with her and she is nothing but rude in return. I love my wife and we have so much fun when we want to and i would do anything for her. i just want to know if what i did was infidelity and maybe some suggestions to make things better. im 28 years old, just left the army after 10 years and im going to school full time now, we have no kids.

NoOneInNC wrote:ok i have been married for 3 years now and before i was married i would use camgirl websites and i continued to use them for the first 6 months of my marriage because my wife told me she was ok with porn and strip clubs. I consider a camgirl site the same as an online strip club/porn. my wife found out i was using cam sites and she went crazy on me and thinks i cheated on her for those 6 months. the way she sees it is that im forming a personal relationship with them and watching them masturbate. i try to explain that i consider it like an online strip club, but she has none of that. now i have not used them in the last 2 1/2 years of our marriage but she just can let go of it and it has just got worse and worse with her attitude towards me. lately she hates me as soon as i wake up and start talking to her. I dont know what to do, she is very short tempered with me and doesn't trust me at all. I have bent over backwards trying to make things right with her and she is nothing but rude in return. I love my wife and we have so much fun when we want to and i would do anything for her. i just want to know if what i did was infidelity and maybe some suggestions to make things better. im 28 years old, just left the army after 10 years and im going to school full time now, we have no kids.

She asked you to stop, so you stopped Cam Girls. There was a misunderstanding that you thought she was OK with Cam Girls.

Now your wife wants to talk about how upset she is about it, and how she does not trust you. Women need to talk about their ideas, which are sometimes seem illogical to men. So your challenge is to listen to your wife talk about whatever she feels a need to talk through. It may not be pleasant for you to listen to, but coachng your wife to vent is a useful skill in most marriages.

There are two chapters in the Married Men Secrets book on listening.

There is a thread under communications, titled "LISTENING STRATEGIES FOR MEN"

It is challenging when your wife wants to talk about things you don't like to hear about. Just take the opportunity to increase your listening skills. I have faith in my listening skills, so if my wife dumps me, I believe I can find a relationship with some one new.




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NoOneInNC wrote:ok i have been married for 3 years now and before i was married i would use camgirl websites and i continued to use them for the first 6 months of my marriage because my wife told me she was ok with porn and strip clubs. I consider a camgirl site the same as an online strip club/porn. my wife found out i was using cam sites and she went crazy on me and thinks i cheated on her for those 6 months. the way she sees it is that im forming a personal relationship with them and watching them masturbate. i try to explain that i consider it like an online strip club, but she has none of that. now i have not used them in the last 2 1/2 years of our marriage but she just can let go of it and it has just got worse and worse with her attitude towards me. lately she hates me as soon as i wake up and start talking to her. I dont know what to do, she is very short tempered with me and doesn't trust me at all. I have bent over backwards trying to make things right with her and she is nothing but rude in return. I love my wife and we have so much fun when we want to and i would do anything for her. i just want to know if what i did was infidelity and maybe some suggestions to make things better. im 28 years old, just left the army after 10 years and im going to school full time now, we have no kids.

You seem to be asking readers if they agree with your wife that cam girls are cheating, or not.

Since you are not addicted to Cam Girls, and you have stopped Cam Girls, the problem is not to convince your wife that Cam Girls are OK. Your challenge is how to let your wife vent about something that is not really a problem. The question is, what phrases could you use to acknowledge your wife's concerns, and to show Love by having acceded to her wishes, as soon as you realized her ideas.

Than you for your service in the Military, and happy Veterans day.

Some phrase might go,

Wife: I don't trust you because you formed relationships with Cam Girls.

Response: "I realize that you find Cam Girls objectionable, and I have stopped using them. Certainly relations with other women are not the ideals for marriage. I am sure that many of your friends also dislike Cam Girls. What else have you heard about Cam Girls?" "What else have you heard about Cam Girls?" "What else do other women dislike about Cam Girls?" "Does Secrecy about porn undermine the trust in a marriage?"

What other questions can you ask your wife, to encourage her to vent her ideas on Cam Girls?

There are no real problems, right? Cam Girls are not calling your house at 2 AM every night, are they?

Problem Solving, "I am trying to show you that I deserve your trust, so please tell me how I can earn your trust?


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Dear NoOneInNc,
It appears to me you’re wondering if your past usage of cam-girl websites was infidelity. I have a few questions, when you were using the cam-girls were you still in the army? Where you overseas or living with your wife? While your wife does not have a problem with strip clubs or porn, she feels differently about cam-girls? When you were using this site was it always the same girl?
In my psychology class we learned the theory of multiple intelligences. In no way am I trying to insult your wife’s intelligence. The way there theory was taught to us was that Howard Gardner said everyone has at least one of these types of intelligence. I feel it maybe your wife does not have intrapersonal intelligence. This would mean she does not understand her own emotions. Dr. Haltzman says “When a married individual becomes attracted to a person outside the marriage, a series of chemical and hormonal changes in the brain is set in motion that get the addiction off and running. If you strip away the romantic outer coat of ‘falling in love’, you find the cold hard stuff of medical science.”
The reason I am using this quote from Dr. Haltzman is because you become attracted to another person. Although it maybe a person across the internet that you have never meet you still were attracted to this person and had a “cyber affair”. When this happened it stripped away the “honey moon phase” of your marriage. It brought out the reality of what marriage is or the “cold hard stuff of medical science”. Your wife may have similar opinions to mine. I will go to the strip clubs with my fiancée but recently I found him watching porn. I was in the other room while he was doing this and it rocked me, I was honestly distraught. My first thought was if he is willing to watch porn or go on cam-girl websites, then what’s to stop him from going out and sleeping with someone else. In the sense of different types of intelligences, some times we do not know how we feel until something happens. Your wife probably felt that she would be fine will all of this until it actually happened.
Your stated your wife “see(s) it is that I’m forming a personal relationship with them” I have to agree. I have never been on a cam-girl website but the way it was explained to me you can interact with these girls. I have to agree with your wife, I would feel as if you were cheating. It takes a long time to forget something like this. I much like your wife would feel I’m over the incident but it would constantly be in the back on my mind. My suggestion to you is to try to understand how your wife is feeling, put yourself in her position. How would you feel if your wife was on a website like this looking at other men, talking to them. I do not believe she hates you, rather is still very hurt and does not know how to express it.

NoOneInNC wrote:ok i have been married for 3 years now and before i was married i would use camgirl websites and i continued to use them for the first 6 months of my marriage because my wife told me she was ok with porn and strip clubs. I consider a camgirl site the same as an online strip club/porn. my wife found out i was using cam sites and she went crazy on me and thinks i cheated on her for those 6 months. the way she sees it is that im forming a personal relationship with them and watching them masturbate. i try to explain that i consider it like an online strip club, but she has none of that. now i have not used them in the last 2 1/2 years of our marriage but she just can let go of it and it has just got worse and worse with her attitude towards me. lately she hates me as soon as i wake up and start talking to her. I dont know what to do, she is very short tempered with me and doesn't trust me at all. I have bent over backwards trying to make things right with her and she is nothing but rude in return. I love my wife and we have so much fun when we want to and i would do anything for her. i just want to know if what i did was infidelity and maybe some suggestions to make things better. im 28 years old, just left the army after 10 years and im going to school full time now, we have no kids.

Another issue you do not directly ask about, is when your wife is making comments that you find demeaning or unpleasant, how do you handle unpleasant comments from you wife? Under Communications, there is a thread entitled "My wife is hyper critical, please help". You do not mention that you have mastered the Boring Baroque Response of Suzette Elgin.


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So from what I gather you have been using these “camgirls” sites for a while. You’re wife said that she had no problem with strip clubs and pornography so you took that as a sign that you can keep watching these “camgirls” with no consequences. This was not the case and your wife got very upset that you were watching other women and said that you were cheating on her for the six months that you were watching those girls. Now she gets mad at you every time that you even wake up.

about Sternberg’s 3 components of love. One of the components is commitment. Without commitment there really isn’t anything there. Also Dr. Scott says that” It’s likely that your wife and you see practically everything differently.”

These two things really relate to you in a big way. First if you are still watching these “camgirls” then you are not truly committed to the relationship and you just assume that your wife will be okay with it even though she did say that she didn’t mind strip clubs and porn. This leads into what Dr. Scott said about how you and your wife can see things differently. Even though she may say one thing she could totally mean another.

If you want to fix this issue with your wife then you have to commit to it. Commit yourself to the marriage and stop watching porn. Make a promise to your wife that it will never happen again. Don’t do anything to set her off either because it may just bring the issue right back. Also be as good as you can be. Be a good husband to her and make sure she gets everything she needs.