winning my wife's heart back

[bentor1]

My wife and I dated, off and on, for 13 years before we married in 2007. This past summer I had an affair with a co-worker and she found out. There were, so I thought, several variable that played a part in me drifting away from our relationship. I have since came to terms with the fact that no matter what was going on in our lives, going outside of our marriage was the worst thing that I could have done to us. The months since my affair have consisted of both high and low points. We've attempted counseling and both her and I were not totally satisfied with the treatment that we received. Long story short, I hurt my wife in a way that I never thought possible and I am trying to do all that I can to reassure her that she is my home and it is with her that I want/need to be. I love her more than I could ever express with words and I am looking for any advice as to how I can continue to let her know that I will NEVER hurt her this way again.

[Scott Haltzman]

Hi Bentor,

Yeah, you got the message: affairs rarely solve anything, and often wreck relationships and lives.

There is a site on the Internet called "Beyond Affairs Network" (not sure of URL), and you can go there for help. Several books: "Not Just Friends" by Glass, and "After the Affair" by Abrams may help. It also helps to have a therapist who is familiar with the infidelity literature, including the excellent work of Peggy Vaughan (http://www.DearPeggy.com)

Keep us posted!

Scott

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[elizacol]

#1...you can't rush the process. She is going to need time to get over this and you need to give her that time. She deserves that.

#2...consistency in your actions. You need to be consistent in your reassurance. Your communication. Your amend making. Your love. Your apologies (yes...you may need to apologize more than 1x).

#3...you need to be totally transparent. Meaning, nothing is hidden. Not cell phone records, e-mails, your whereabouts, etc.

#4...you need to answer her questions with honesty. Let her talk to you. Keep the lines of communication open. Listen to her. Acknowledge her thoughts and feelings.

Now, having said that...she, too, has some responsibilities to uphold. But, since she's not here asking, I won't address those.