do I stop obsessing and wanting to spy? do I stop obsessing and wanting to spy?

Postby elocke » Mon Dec 16, 2013 9:28 am

So, about a week ago, I found out my wife had been having an affair. The affair was with a band mate and unfortunately my wife is unwilling to give up the Band. I love her immensely and have vowed to change how I interact in our marriage, basically making her my priority and then our kids. It works well until I have a night where my anger and shame and shock come out and I feel like I have to know if she still texts him or talks to him. The few texts I have seen, which she let me see when I asked were quite vague or had something to do with the band. However, I have noticed that she has deleted certain texts in a conversation as well as on facebook. She says she loves me, want to work on us and I believe her to a degree, but not fully and just the suspicious behavior I have been stooping too is sapping me of all energy. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about what the deleted posts/texts might have said, etc.

This morning, she changed her facebook password, probably due to thinking I'm snooping in there, which I was. I get that she has that right, but why do I feel so horrible about it? Is there a way past this aspect so that I can just focus on lover her beyond what I ever have done before(that part I actually do enjoy right now).

I'm sure there are other things I could mention about how I've been handling this in the last week and her responses or lack of, I just at this moment and so tired and anxious that I can't seem to put it all down right now, so feel free to ask questions and I'll provide the info to help make this situation make more sense.

We've been married 9 years, we have 2 boys both 8 and 7. I know I pushed her away for so long and took for granted her love for me. Pornography was a large issue that I am finally over, thanks to God, but it took this shock of the affair to push to me to that point. In doing so, however, I feel like I'm lost, I don't know who I am anymore. I have no desire to look at porn, or play video games(which I did far too much and during moments where she needed me over the full 9 years) which is good, but I feel like I've lost part of what made me me. I'm not eating well, and at times wish I could just die right then and there and sometimes hope that my not eating will do it for me. I have started to run and exercise which feels good, but is tough when I'm not eating well and barely sleeping. I literally feel sick when I think of personal things to do that I enjoy, reading, watching movies, playing games...all I do is either war with myself for hours on spying on her or I research ways to be a better husband, make this work etc.

I know this will take time, and she'll need her own space and time to fully break away from the "other man" but I just feel so lost at this point. My emotions go up and down all day every day, one minute I'm laughing the next crying the next wanting to drive to the "other man" and do something horrible to him in such anger I've never felt before. Help. Please.
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