My husband of 18 years works out of town a lot as he is in charge of several different offices. In November he returned from a trip and told me to give him a high five, and to be sure to listen with my heart rather than my mind. He went on to say, "You know how every pot has a lid? I think I found another lid."
He proceeded to tell me that his most recent trip away had been specifically to talk to one of his 30-year old married (only 2 months) co-workers about how he can't stop thinking about her and how he wants them to be "friends." She happened to have tickets to the ballet that night, so they went to the ballet and to dinner.
While at dinner, she told him that she had broken up the marriage of a previous co-worker and had been "devastated." He assured her that our marriage was rock solid (and, indeed, until this moment, I would have agreed with him!!!) and in no danger of his having a friendship with another woman. I think he really believed it. I think when he returned home, he really thought I would be excited for him that he had a 30-year old woman who was interested in spending time with him.
I wasn't. I told him so. I asked if they had held hands (they hadn't) or kissed (they didn't) or hugged (still no).
Apparently she went home and told her husband as well, and he asked if they had sex.
Over the next few weeks, they saw each other several more times. They left an office function separately but conspired to meet elsewhere. While sitting and talking, my husband reached out to adjust her engagement ring which was askew. She grabbed his hands and held them for the rest of their time together. My husband reports that he sat there, hanging his head in shame, but that she never relinquished his hands (nor did he pull them away).
Another time, as he walked her to the train, she called out to him, "You're never going to kiss me." When he and I spoke that weekend, (with me crying), I told him the worst case scenario would be if he got an STD from her or if he got her pregnant. Somehow, he interpreted this as permission to kiss her, which he did at their next meeting. And despite the fact that I specifically told him NOT to go to a hotel room with her to watch a movie (plans that he had made clear to me) he did it anyway. There, they not only kissed, but she removed her top for him and allowed him to fondle her breasts.
In addition to the fact that the relationship had clearly gotten physical, they spent hours texting and emailing each other. Photos, songs, hello, good morning, good night....It was nauseating. He texts her from wherever he is....our children's activities, if he and I are out together....it doesn't matter, he's including her in the event. I read these exchanges for a while until it became too much to bear. They are available for me to read (they are not password protected)< but I choose not to because they are simply too painful. I do know that she will send him messages inquiring which nail polish he thinks she should get, or send pictures of a bikini that she picked out (and then model it for him). My husband keeps telling me that she's a nice person, but in my opinion her behavior is WAY out of bounds.
I cried for 8 weeks straight. I lost 20 lbs. We have two children who do not know what's going on, and I'm terrified for them to find out. My husband says he loves me and he believes our marriage is forever, but when I ask him to end this he cries and says, "But it would hurt her." IT IS HURTING ME.
I have told him that I'm committed to our marriage, and I am. But I wonder if this simply allows him to continue this craziness? I've asked him twice to end the relationship and he thinks I'm the one being a bitch, denying him something which is fun.
In our 18 years together, neither of us has ever strayed. We have had an excellent, healthy sex life. If anything, I wonder if my husband is simply worried about not ever really sowing his wild oats when he was younger (nor did I, but I think that's less of a hangup for women). His boss has appeared to have an affair for years with a co-worker, but simply denies it. In one particularly heated conversation my husband told me that he's NOT sorry for what he's doing and my crying is only driving him to her. On other times he's said that he didn't ask for this relationship and that he's sorry for the amount of pain that it is causing me. He's expressed concern that we'll never get our magic back again.
She's gone away on a nearly three-week vacation with her husband, so their communication is significantly less than what it was. During that time, my time with my husband has been much more pleasant. We exercise together and talk and I don't feel like I'm invading his privacy when I walk into his home office. (I once left when I heard the instant message chime and told him that I'd give him privacy. He said that made him feel awful.) He recognizes that I expected fidelity when we got married and that this does not fall into that box. I think he thought this wasn't cheating since he was honest with me about the relationship once he knew it was a go. (I asked him why he hadn't told me about it before he had the conversation with her and he told me he would have been embarrassed if she had rejected him.)
My goal is not to make my husband feel awful, but I desperately want the relationship with this woman to change. No more trips to get coffee, no more after-work meetings (even though that means boring nights in a hotel for him), END the crazy amount of texts and emails to each other, and definitely end the physical relationship.
He feels like there's a good shot the relationship will burn itself out when she gets back from her trip....She wants to have children and she may return from this trip pregnant. I feel like she sends him signals that she wants to keep him around for a long, long time. They've both talked about having a relationship that will endure for years. It sort of feels like infatuation talking, but who knows. Either way - I've made it through three months with this information, but I know for a fact that I don't want to keep going on like this for years. I think my husband just wants to see how much play time he can get before it dies a natural death, but I'm worried that it won't die a natural death and instead of three people getting hurt (presuming that her husband doesn't know or doesn't care), then six people will get hurt (when you add in our kids) or more as the house of cards ultimately collapses.
I'm just about finished with the book "The Secrets to Surviving Infidelity." My thought is to give it to him when I'm done with it and to see what he thinks. My OTHER thought is to email her the name and author of the book so she can pick up a copy and hopefully save her very young marriage. I'm mad at both of them, obviously, but I only need to work on the relationship with my husband. I really do want to spend forever with him, but first I want him to get rid of this person whom I did not welcome into our union.
Thoughts on moving forward before the affair is over?