Marriage devoid of sex vs Affair

Marriage devoid of sex vs Affair

Postby jocoksjack » Sun Mar 09, 2014 11:51 pm

So this is my first forum list ever but need to get some feedback about my marriage as I'm at a crossroads. My wife and I have been married for over 10 years and been together for nearly 17 (since high school) and we have three young and wonderful children. On the surface, our family unit is healthy however it's missing a major piece... Sexual intimacy.

To paint the picture I may overhare here but I assume more facts are better than fewer. For the balance of our time together, my libido has increased significantly while hers as waned. The only time I feel we were sexually in the same playing field was before we were married and not living together. She and I BOTH would yearn and pine after the other. We each would make special effort to go out of our way to please the other - both sexually and non-sexually. However, once we were married and especially since we had our children, her efforts have gone to zero.

During this same timeframe however, I've found myself to be more and more interested in pursuing our sexual boundaries together; trying new things so that we can keep things hot. As an educated & curious person, I read anything I can get my hands on to become a better sexual partner for her; learning advanced oral core play techniques, tantric sex, psorins etc etc - you get the idea. However, while I'm excited to please her, the frequency of opportunities for intimacy has dwindled. Even at our sexual oral prior to marriage, we were together maybe once a week. To add additional detail, I'm very interested and enjoy performing oral sex for her but she is adamantly against redefine which blows my mind. Why in the HELL would a woman refuse a man to go down on her???

So.... here's my dilemma:

We've had a rough go of things and have tried marriage counseling of which I felt all I was getting were tips on how I could feel and cope better with what is now the status quo - intercourse once every other month and no oral or other do replay etc. Also, we me never had multiple sexual seasons back to back (the "all night sexathon") even though my refractory time is a mere few minutes at most.

So the counseling didn't seem to work well and we still don't have sex. She makes work her priority and even admits she has nothing left at the end of the day for me. I so my part around the house as we are both working adults and I like to share in household and parenting responsibilities. But still .... nothing. I set up fancy dinners and even nights away for the two of us... nothing. I even used to joke that we would have see "on a leap year, during the 3rs full moon on an election year when the S&P was at an all time high and after 3 showers each". The joke which became a jab meant we never had see unless all conditions were perfect. Now though... there are no such things as perfect conditions. It just doesn't happen.

We've faught and faught about this. I always feel bad as it seems selfish of me to argue about the quantity and quality of our see. However, I feel very much unwanted, unneeded, undesired, and ignored. A thought after the afterthought it seems.

So, about a month ago, I met a eons by pure happenstance and during a weak moment had a sexual encounter and it was wonderful and have been seeing her very frequently since. At first, I felt bad about it and tried harder at home to show my affections in many ways, but still ... nothing. While my wife is always apologetic, remorsefulL, and even offers promises of making things "right", at this time it seems to just be words. There have been many opportunities for us to he intimate but I constantly am overlooked.

Now that I have apparently met my sexual equivalent, I'm very happy. She and I are both not afraid to explore our sexual desires and nothing seems off the table. We also spend time together when sex isn't involved and have a great time. We are both married and both are in nearly exact scenarios regarding why we aren't happy at home.

So my quandary is what do I do. My girlfriend and I both know cheating is wrong however it feels so right as we are so compatible. While we both respect the other's desire not to change their marital status, we both feel that if we were to both divorce, we would surely end up together.

That aside for now though, I guess my actual question is WHY won't my wife explore her sexual intimacy with me. And, if she has decided to be celebrate, what do I do? Do I go on with my affair so that at least that part of my life is awesome. Enjoy my kids and just deal with being seen as a fluorides roommate to my wife. Or do I ask for a dicorce and go through that painful process. Hell.... I'm so at ends with this, I even thought about coming clean with my wife about the affair and telling her I'm not leaving but at least this way she doesn't have to worry about "disappointing" me anymore AND... I'll probably be easier to get along with.

Again, I realize this all sounds bad - and it is. I shouldn't be cheating and I know that. But at what point do I say enough a enough???
jocoksjack
 
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Re: Marriage devoid of sex vs Affair

Postby ThunderHorse » Sun Mar 16, 2014 7:36 am

For women, there are stages of arousal, as described in the Secrets of Happily Marred Men book.

What stage are you failing to transcend?

Have you searched the web for Erotic acupressure, to make your caressing count?

The first stage is getting your wife to vent random ideas, for 15 minutes a day. See a thread under communications, LISTENING STRATEGIES FOR MEN. There are two chapters in the Secrets book on listening to your wife. That is first base.

Improve your skills of seducing your wife.

Look forward to rejections from your wife, because this allows you to back off, and restart in some period of minutes. While you are resting, desires for resuming receiving affection are building in your wife. My wife usually forgets about her rejection in 3 minutes, and it is game on again, from the earlier stage. How many minutes for you to get a fresh start, after a rejection, from your wife?

What does your wife do to give you the signal she needs more time to get more aroused?

What words of re-approach have you tried? What works? What other words for re-approaching could you try?

What about family planning?

What time of the day or night is your wife most receptive? How can you can you arrange your sleep pattern to match with your wife's optimal receptivity?

What compromises have you tried? What else can you imagine? What approaches have you not tried recently?

It may be easier to seduce your wife, if you reduce time/attention with your girl friend.

See also a thread on Compliments for Wives under Communications. What attributes of your wife do you appreciate? That may be second base.



//
ThunderHorse
 
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