20 months later

20 months later

Postby deniseinlouisiana » Fri Apr 04, 2014 5:04 pm

I just finished reading The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity. I pretty much read it in one day and feel that it can help me and my husband. It has been almost 2 years since the affair ended. It was a co-worker and they pretty much only met during office hours. The affair lasted 4 years and only ended because her husband found out about it. This is the thing--he loves me, I know this to be true. He has not had any contact with the other woman since the affair ended. Her husband made her quit her job. We have been in therapy and it has helped some. My problem is that he refuses to truly apologize for the affair and for all of the hurt he caused me. He refuses to ask for forgiveness. He says he will at some point but just not ready yet. The thing is, I want to put some of this behind us but I cannot until he gives me a genuine apology and acknowledges all of the damage he caused and then asks for forgiveness. He does not want me to leave but he will not meet me half way. I have no idea what to do. Can anyone offer me any suggestions or even an opinion would be great. None of our friends or family know about the affair. Thank you
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Re: 20 months later

Postby ThunderHorse » Fri Apr 11, 2014 12:22 am

There may be several ways to ask for an apology.

"I Feel that you owe me an apology."

"I feel that I deserve an apology from you."

"I feel that my love for you is being blocked by your refusing to apologize."

Apologies are different constructs for women, than for men, generally speaking. It is more common for women to apologize. It is more difficult for men to apologize.

Is there something extra he can do for you, to show he cares, or is willing to serve as a penance?

//
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Re: 20 months later

Postby deniseinlouisiana » Wed Apr 16, 2014 8:02 am

It is hard for me to accept that he is having a hard time apologizing because he is a man but I know you are right. He is reading the book right now and I'm hoping that will help him to understand what I need. Thank you for the reply.
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Re: 20 months later

Postby whisperinghope » Mon May 12, 2014 4:42 pm

Dear Denise, My heart goes out to you. I came to this board because 25 years after my husband left, because I still grieve, and I don't want anyone to feel this pain. I grieve for my daughter, for myself, perhaps for my former husband's loss as well. I regret that I didn't "ride it out" just a little bit longer for the sake of my daughter, for the sake of myself and for the sake of everyone else who was involved.

There are many positives working in your favor. You said you know he loves you. He's there with you, not elsewhere. That's his apology for now. I'm not a counselor, and please know, I may be dead wrong, but I suspect that the injustice you feel is wearing on you. Don't let it. Be joyful, focus on the future, build something together (and I mean that literally). Build a wooden planter, take sailing lessons together, buy new bikes, have fun!

The price my little family paid because there was no Dr. Scott Halzman at the time, was too high. When I heard him on our local radio station, I knew he had something that counselors in the 70s never had - a third option - to make it work. All warm wishes.

"Whispering Hope" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y3W8v-3B_84
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Re: 20 months later

Postby SilkOnFire Girl » Thu Jun 12, 2014 4:08 pm

Hmmmm....
The fact that he says he "will apologize at some time but later" is a huge indication that he does not feel he was wrong to have the affair; sounds like he would still be involved if the other husband hadn't stepped in. And your therapist/ Has he/she been encouraging your husband to take responsibility for his part of this problem?
There are 3 parts to developing trust again after a spouse has committed infidelity.
1. stop the affair immediately
2. the offender spouse needs to apologize for his/her infidelity and admit it was wrong
3. the offender spouse must ask what they need to do to build trust again...eg. check-ups during the day are the offended spouses' right for as long as it takes.

Infidelity like alcoholism is an addiction. Until the offender stops, admits he was wrong therapy and counseling cannot begin to help. The Offender-spouse continues to see, call, text and think about his lover. My opinion? He needs to leave until he can truly take step#1 and #2. Then you can welcome him back into your life to re-build trust and marriage intimacy. Otherwise you will be constantly suspicious. No marriage can take that for long. You have a chance now but if you wait until you are both brittle with suspicion and resentment it is more risky to re-cover.
-SilkOnFire Girl
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Re: 20 months later

Postby kbaby » Tue Apr 14, 2015 12:55 am

I know you may want to believe that he is on the strait and narrow now but the fact that he will not apologize now is a red flag. Over a period of 5 years he has some emotional attachment to this woman and he may still hold out hope that they will one day reunite. If he won't even apologize clearly his priorities are in the wrong place
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