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Husband to continue friendship with his emotional affair

PostPosted: Wed May 28, 2014 12:33 am
by ConfusedWife
My husband and I have been married for 8 years. His job requires him to travel a minimum of 50% of the time. For 5 months this year he has been working in France. A couple of months into his job there he began to talk to a married woman. He says he is friends with both husband and wife. When I discovered almost 300 text messages to the same number on our cell phone bill, I asked him who he was texting. The texts would begin in the morning and continue throughout the day and several went on until late, like after midnight until 3am. I trusted my husband. I was not spying when I saw the bill, I only noticed that the bill was high and looked to see why. He told me that he didn't know who the number belonged to. Then he later said it was a male co-worker that he was talking with about work. I believed him and let it go, but was curious to see the next bill arrive. One month later it came and there was the same pattern of texts to the same number, but the communication ended the very same day I had asked him about it the previous month. So I called the number in France from the US. A woman answered. She would not tell me anything except for that she knows my husband and they are very close friends and that she was not having an affair with my husband and that she was uncomfortable with my questions. When I asked about her husband who's name I knew, she acted like she didn't know him, refused to tell me if she is married and hung up on me. I immediately called my husband and told him that I knew he lied to me. I asked the nature of their relationship and he said she is like a best friend. I asked what they talk about at night into the late hours and he said nothing inappropriate. I told him that the level of communication with this woman and the timing of it in itself is inappropriate for a married man (and woman) and he said he was sorry he had lied to me and hurt me. When I asked him if her husband is aware of the constant and late night conversations he said he didn't know. He followed by becoming angry with me for contacting her and said it was impulsive on my part to do so. Within 48 hours he ended almost all communication with me. The depth of his remorse went no further than repeating his previous apology. And he was sorry he lied to me about it. He says NO flirting was involved and no physical contact other than being with them in social circles. I had heard about this couple before, but he only mentioned them a couple of times. When I visited him in France, according to our phone bill their communication was very limited, but still some at night. Maybe after I was sleeping. Within minutes of my departure he messaged her and has now admitted to me that because we had one argument while I was there, it ruined every memory for him of our time together and that this is what he told her and asked if she could speak with him that evening and she said yes. Jumping forward 3 weeks, he now says that I was not filling a hole in his life, one of friendship and he is blaming his actions on me. He said he "found himself" in France and that he has changed and has a different view of what is important in his life now. He is coming home in 2 weeks after finishing this job and says he will come home, but only to see if we are truly compatible. He has partied for the past 5 months, often very drunk, late nights,little to no contact with me at times, forgetting to wear his ring at a party while he was dancing in a 29 year old female co-workers belly dancing skirt. And after he danced, she danced for them. (He sent me a photo of only him in the skirt and I noticed no wedding ring) the concept of that particular party was that the women prepared strong drinks for the men, watched the men bake cookies while drunk, and then placed clothing on the bed for men to dance in. This was just one party of MANY! All but one of the female co-workers is young and single. He says I am being negative and judgmental about his new lifestyle and that should explain to me why he needs his calm and positive relationship with this other woman. My husband is almost 50 and has never behaved this way since I've known him. I would like to believe that there is nothing sexual going on, but in preparing for his return home he has asked me to get a Brazilian bikini wax, asked me to do exercises to tighten my vaginal walls before he gets here, and has become highly sexual in his communication with me. Wishes me to use vulgar language with him, says he wants exciting sexual experiences with me from now on and has even mentioned a few things that I consider perverted. He says if we are compatible when he returns, he will stay with me. If not, he will have to leave me to find his true happiness elsewhere. Also, he plans to see her before he leaves France to thank her for her friendship and for her part in discovering his true self. He said he wants to possibly continue a friendship with her even after he is home with me. But that it is only a friendship. Then he tells me that she is not even the one I should be worrying about, as if there is someone else that he could in fact have a sexual relationship with there. The phone bills I saw were only from 2 months. I never even looked at the previous months bills and they have been shredded. I trusted him, so no reason to look. I know now though that if I still had them, the number of messages with this woman would increase by hundreds more. I am now left to prove that I am a worthy partner for him when he returns in 2 weeks. I love my husband and I am a great wife!!! This is why this has been so upsetting. This came out if nowhere and is a complete shock to me. I am confused and fearful that I will lose my husband. I'm thinking maybe this is a mid-life crisis for him. And I have no previous experience with these! Still he did wrong and I am to blame. I am the one who needs to change now or risk losing my marriage. Any advice will be greatly appreciated!

Re: Husband to continue friendship with his emotional affair

PostPosted: Fri May 30, 2014 12:52 am
by ThunderHorse
Jealousy is part of Love. your husband's actions of texting another woman, and partying without his wedding ring, and lying about his texting, can give rise to your feelings of jealousy.

What are other aspects of strength in your marriage? Do you have children? Do your husband understand the importance of listening to your ideas for some regular times? Can you include some ideas on love making in your ideas?

What is it your fear about loosing your husband? Does your husband financially improve your lifestyle? Would you have to make changes to your living arrangements if you were to divorce?

You have a choice in how you handle the expression of your feelings of jealousy. One of your options is to request that your husband stop being indiscreet, about allowing you to discover situations that will lead to your feeling jealous. Your husband seems to blame you for expressing your feelings of jealousy, that he created.

Some women have suspicions that their husbands are not perfectly faithful, but have decided not to confront their husbands with their feelings. What are your feelings about women who have philandering husbands?





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Re: Husband to continue friendship with his emotional affair

PostPosted: Fri May 30, 2014 7:38 pm
by ConfusedWife
Dear ThunderHorse,
Thank you for your time and kind reply to my post. It is helpful to ready your reply as I search for possibly some different perspectives on what is happening here. Because I was blind-sided by his relationship with this woman, I am still in shock and realize I may not see this as clearly as a third party would, because I am too emotional.

To answer you, I am afraid to lose my husband because I truly love him. We do also have 4 children who would each be devastated in their own way by a divorce or separation. As a mother, I will always take the children's feelings/suffering into consideration as well as my own. But they are secondary in this situation and the primary must be my husband and I and our relationship. And yes, there would be life changes if a divorce occurred, but again, not a driving factor. All material possessions can be done without or replaced, divided, but I love my husband and to me, he is irreplaceable. We have built a life together as well, one I thought included trust. This is difficult, the lack of trust I now feel for him.

Also, it bothers me that I feel a double-standard. Had I betrayed him in any way, his pride would have already demanded a separation, at minimum. But because I am a woman, I'm expected to just let it go, not mention the other woman, because God forbid I make him angry or defensive. Be reminded that I am partially to blame and then be told that he will continue a friendship with her if he decides to. As if his happiness in this relationship is more important than me our our marriage or any self confidence I have left that hasn't been shattered by this experience.

We have been talking about ways to improve our communication as he travels for work. He will spend another 2 months in yet another country before this year is over. And more to come next year as well. So obviously, we need to strengthen our relationship for these times ahead. Also, intimacy is being discussed and ways that I can relate to him and his new found zest for life without stifling him or compromising some boundaries that are very important to me.

As to philandering husbands, I think if they have crossed certain boundaries, then the sanctity of the marriage has been destroyed and must be rebuilt or walked away from entirely. Respect for a spouse is what I consider one of the highest priorities in a marriage. When respect is lost, everything else follows. I believe in forgiveness as well, but for healing to take place, one must first admit their indiscretions and show genuine remorse, forsaking all others to rebuild trust with their spouse. In my husband's case, he seems to care only about his happiness as his first priority with no regard to the hurt I feel. Not only should I just accept whatever he decides about the other woman, but in addition I am challenged to accept his new way of thinking and behaviors as well as to prove myself a worthy partner to this new and "improved" version of himself.

Thanks again so much for your reply! It was supportive for our marriage and intelligently written. It did offer me a different perspective on jealousy.

Re: Husband to continue friendship with his emotional affair

PostPosted: Sat May 31, 2014 4:39 am
by ThunderHorse
To Confused Wife,

You are in a distance relationship, for months at a time with your husband, so when you say that you feel you are a good wife, how are you handling the challenges of a distance marriage? Military spouses have special challenges, and support groups, to help with such challenges.

One way to insist on fidelity is to threaten separation or divorce. You do not seem comfortable with divorce, so one of your powers to insist upon greater fidelity is unavailable to you.

You seem to feel you have a right to expect your husband to give you a high level or fidelity. Women in the US have a legal right to a divorce for any reason. Spousal fidelity is based upon a promise, and a moral right. By what avenues can you enforce a moral responsibility for fidelity, for your husband?

You seem upset that your husband lied to you about his phone calls. Some couples have an agreement to be considerate to each other, and to be discreet about any infidelity. President Jack Kennedy and Jackie Kennedy, supposedly had an understanding before they were married, that Jack could be unfaithful, but agreed to be discreet about it. You husband may have been trying to be discreet and considerate to you, by lying about the phone calls.

Dr. Scott has a recently released book THE SECRETS OF SURVIVING INFIDELITY. There are other books on managing infidelity. What suggestions do you find helpful, or wrong for you?

One option to consider asking your husband to change jobs. Another option is to arrange your life so that you can accompany your husband on his a assignments.


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Re: Husband to continue friendship with his emotional affair

PostPosted: Sat May 31, 2014 11:42 am
by ThunderHorse
To Confused Wife,

Another approach when a husband has been less than totally faithful, is for the wife to think of ways she could improve the relationship, to be more pleasing to the husband, and offer to make improvements, provided that the husband agrees to be more considerate about the his levels of breaching the marriage vows.

You state that you are already a "good wife," which leaves no room for bargaining for asking your husband to restrict his contact with other women. Your husband has mentioned dirty talk and special Kegel exercises that would improve the marriage for him. Kegel exercises are basically practicing tensioning the muscles a woman would use, to stop the flow of urination. You seem to be asking for affirmation that these requests by your husband, are unreasonable. I imagine that there are many women, who would agree that your husband is being unreasonable. Have you tried phone sex with your husband?

But the question you seem to be asking, is HOW CAN I SAVE THIS MARRIAGE? One option is to identify things you can do to make the marriage more pleasant for your husband, and promise to make some changes, if he is willing to give you assurances that he is interested in meeting your needs for degrees of fidelity.

THE SECRETS OF HAPPILY MARRIED WOMEN, HOW TO GET MORE OUT OF YOUR RELATIONSIP BY DOING LESS, 2008, BY Haltzman and DiGeronimo
Table of Contents:
1. Know Your Husband
2. Nurture His Needs - and Yours
3. Fight Better
4. Talk Less
5. Have Lots of Sex
6. Take Charge of Your Own Happiness
7. Heal Thyself



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Re: Husband to continue friendship with his emotional affair

PostPosted: Sun Jun 01, 2014 10:32 am
by ThunderHorse
To Confused Wife,

So there is the carrot of improved marital relations, and the Stick of threatening Divorce. Associated with the Carrot and Stick, is verification.

Here is the Table of contents of Dr. Scott's book:

The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity, by Scott Haltzman, MD

1. Defining Infidelity
2. What’s Emotion Got to Do with It?
3. What the Numbers Tell Us
4. Why People Cheat
5. Giving the NOD to an Affair
6. Affair Exposed, Now What?
7. Getting to the Heart of the Matter
8. Forgiveness
9. What to Expect When You Are Expecting (a Happy Marriage)
10. Ready to Rebuild?
11. Building a Better Marriage



In addition to the Carrot and the Stick, there are Ideals and Social pressure, and competition.

Emotional affairs may not meet the standards for some of your husband's religious or moral ideals. You might ask him questions about his morals, and see if he might not be meeting his own beliefs and standards.

Does your husband belong to a church or other organizations? What about his family and friends? You might ask your husband if he plans to keep his emotional affairs secret form friends and relatives. Is your husband asking you to keep his secrets?

You mention that your husband is partying with single women in their 20's. Some single women in their 20's are interested in finding a man who can support and nurture her future children. Many single women refuse to date married men. But if a married man has no children, and is discussing feelings about divorce to single women, exceptions are sometimes made by attractive single women. You might ask your husband if he is ready to start another family. What are your feelings about your competition?



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Re: Husband to continue friendship with his emotional affair

PostPosted: Mon Jun 02, 2014 5:18 pm
by SilkOnFire Girl
Well let's see.
1. He has admitted to sending hundreds of texts to a woman other than you.
2. He has admitted to spending hours late into the night and into the early hrs. talking to her.
3. He lied about it.
4. When caught in the lie he blamed you; and punished you by withdrawing from communication with you.(while continuing to communicate with the other woman)
5.these texts involve filling a hole in his life (which you do not fill). Definitely at the minimal, he is having an emotional affair at least with her. It has probably escalated into a sexual affair with her by now.
6. While visiting him in France he continued communication with her behind your back.
7. Not only is he involved in drunken sex parties...he is sending you pictures of himself at them.
8. Now he says he wants to check out if the two of you are 'compatible' and the 'compatibility' depends on how tight your vaginal walls are and if you are willing to perform perverted acts with him.

You are confused? I am confused why you are still with him. If you value yourself as a person you need to send him packing! He is not looking for compatibility..he is looking for a sex partner that performs like a monkey for him...
Trust me he is definitely involved with pornography as well as engaged sexually with live women ! He has all the ear tags! You will not be able to compete with pornography. ...Where there is pornography there is not intimacy...Just a fact. The first step in the Guaranteed Lucky Method, when husbands ask me to coach them to have greater sexual intimacy with their wives, is to I tell men they have to get rid of the porn ...... "L" is for Let go of the porn!
If he wants to change ...your marriage might stand a chance...but it doesn't sound like he wants to change...he blames you for his inadequacy....he is going down into an abyss and sounds like he wants to take you down with him. The question is: Are you going to let him?
-the SilkOnFire Girl author of "Silk On Fire: The Ultimate Guide On Craving Sex With Your Husband"

Re: Husband to continue friendship with his emotional affair

PostPosted: Sat Jun 07, 2014 6:09 am
by ThunderHorse
To Confused Wife,

You do not mention college expenses for the children. Many youngsters today, have monstrous debt after college.

You may not be emotionally or logically prepared for receiving additional information about your husband. Your reaction to new information can be critical in some jurisdictions. So it is not just your feelings about your husband at stake. It is also your ability to provide for your 4 children.

Getting sound legal advice before you make on-the-spot decisions, may be wise. There are hundreds of thousands of dollars on the line.


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Re: Husband to continue friendship with his emotional affair

PostPosted: Sat Jun 07, 2014 8:38 am
by ThunderHorse
ConfusedWife wrote:Dear ThunderHorse,
Thank you for your time and kind reply to my post. It is helpful to ready your reply as I search for possibly some different perspectives on what is happening here. Because I was blind-sided by his relationship with this woman, I am still in shock and realize I may not see this as clearly as a third party would, because I am too emotional.

To answer you, I am afraid to lose my husband because I truly love him. We do also have 4 children who would each be devastated in their own way by a divorce or separation. As a mother, I will always take the children's feelings/suffering into consideration as well as my own. But they are secondary in this situation and the primary must be my husband and I and our relationship. And yes, there would be life changes if a divorce occurred, but again, not a driving factor. All material possessions can be done without or replaced, divided, but I love my husband and to me, he is irreplaceable. We have built a life together as well, one I thought included trust. This is difficult, the lack of trust I now feel for him.

.


What steps can you take to be less emotionally dependent upon your husband?

In the past, are there ways in which you could have been more supportive of the children to be more respectful to dad? Any changes you can offer to make going forward? Any changes you can resolve to yourself, to make?

How does your husband suggest handling what the children find out, and what steps should be taken to keep his at least emotional infidelity, secret from the children?

What are your challenges in getting each child acclimated to their father's return home, and being in charge? What discussions have you had with your husband about the transition?

Does your husband feel he is an important part of your children's lives? Their goals? Their achievements?

What praise, or encouragement, for which accomplishment of which child have you asked your husband for recently?

What can you share about your partnership with your husband in raising the 4 children?


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