ending the affair

[jeanii]

well iv finally done the right thing, iv ended by 2 year affair with a married man, and part of me just wants to call him right now and say i made a mistake that i love him. i know thats the just the fear speaking, fear of being without him, but guess im not really with him, never was.

it started after i met his wife who then introducted myself to her husband, his wife and i became friends of sorts within a group of other friends. first it was over the internet flirty chat, which then became a kiss, stolen petting, to a full affair.

we both are married and have children, about a year ago one of our messages was intercepted by his wife, since then we have continued our in secret, hiding, sneaking out when his wife is away, calling each other, all the usual crap.

i feel like a monster, i love my husband and child, he treats me like a princess, has given me everything a woman could possiblly desire, is caring thoughtful, listens n i mean really listens, has a wonderfulf job and provides for me has treated me better then i have ever know, has taken me from living in a horrible place to nothing i could every make for myself, and i feel like the worst person alive, i don't know why i have done this.

he doesn't know, no one does, hiding it has bn horrible i feel such a lier, the most ungrateful person known to man. hiding it has killed me, has made me sick again, i was in remision for my bulima but the guilt has eaten away at me that now i feel worthless. iv bn moody, snappy, crying over the most stupid things, full of stress, i havn't sleep a full night for over a yr now, im a basket case.

but i sit here and i miss already and am crying over the man iv just only an hr ago ended my affair with, oh my god what does that say about what kind of person i am.

i have never spoke about it, held it all in, and for those who think being the other woman is pleasent it certainly isn't its a living hell. a hell i made myself i only have myself to blame.

its over no matter how much it hurts right now, i can't go back, only try to go forward, try to forgive myself. all i know now is what i feel, and i feel like a monster thats been living a secret doub;e life that more then likely doesn't deserve anything nice in the world.

anyone else's thoughts would be much apprectiated on how to start again, begin to try and forgive myself, forget the other man, claim my self respect and dignity back.

pls help.

[happy in PA]

Lots of thoughts go through my mind. The first is that you are right, you can't go back.

If you love your husband, if you love your children, you can only try to move forward. While moving forward you have to also try to be as positive as possible. I empathize with your pain, but you cannot inflict that pain on your husband and children.

One thing that would help would be understandy why you did this. You certainly SOUND like you appreciate your husband, although your actions would seem to indicate otherwise. If you can figure out why this happened, perhaps you can take steps to see that it never happens again.

Good Luck.

Happy in Pa