Confused

[aephyx]

First let me start by saying I picked out the Secrets of Married Men among a couple of books. This is the first advice that I have seen that doesn't seem destined to failure -- It doesn't turn me in to a girl (afterall my wife's not gay) it just helps me communicate and understand her... I can not say enough about what a lifesaver this book is.

My situation is this: My wife has a "best friend" that she has been hanging out with even taking up golfing (which she previously had no interest in -- even derided at times). Then last week she tells me that he admits feelings for her and she says the same and he kisses her. She told me about it the night it happens. She says she told him she loves me very much and that I love her very much. BTW he is also married.

I guess the confusion lies in the fact that I thought I told her I loved her a lot. I've been impromptu giving gifts, cards, what not. Not on a regular basis but out of the blue. I've heard her say that she doesn't think I spend enough time with her but until I read the book I thought that was just fleeting expressions of frustration that I would spend time on the computer instead of with her. Note: I don't spend online time chatting up chicks or looking up porn. It's more along the line of reading articles that interest me or deleting spam in my inbox so I can read the "one" or "two" real emails.

I'm a little bit clearer from the book where I've gone wrong but I don't know how to handle this. Obviously this is painful but I don't know how to talk to her about it. All I want is to be the smart employee but feel I don't know where to start other than to try to be the best husband I can but the book doesn't address how I can clear my head as it were or know if and when I can trust her.

[Scott Haltzman]

Hi Aephyx,

This is a subject I deal with frequently. I'd be interested in your thoughts on this article I just wrote for HitchedMag.com (I write a relationship column).

The topic is about whether it's OK to be concerned about opposite sex friends.


I remember when both of my kids, then just out of elementary school, were
obsessed with instant messaging. Each of my two children tried to trump the
other by pronouncing that he, or she, had the most people on his, or her,
"buddy list." It was important back then to have friends, lots of friends.
And that need doesn't disappear with age; studies show that even into old
age, having friends can predict a happier and healthier life.

So, if having friends is so good, why does it bother you when you spouse is
enjoying the company of another person? Well, if that person is someone of
the opposite sex, the answer is pretty obvious: you're worried about your
mate may become sexually attracted to that person, and, well, you know what
happens next…

It's quite common for a husband and wife to struggle with the thorny issue
of the acceptability of opposite sex friends. Sometimes the problem arises
from one partner refusing to let go of past boyfriends or girlfriends.
Individuals who keep the old flames' phone numbers in their "contact" file
believe that it doesn't make sense to dispose of the friendship when a past
relationship fizzles out. From that person's point of view, a lot of time
and energy had been invested in that failed relationship; no reason to throw
out the friendship baby with the lovers bathwater. Well, that's one way of
looking at it.

In contrast to the problems of past lovers who come out of the old woodwork,
some opposite-sex relationships spring from the new workplace. In many job
sites, including the military, men and women work side by side. When put
into high intensity situations, like the workplace, people bond. While the
job is getting done, it's only natural that a person should develop a sense
of closeness with his or her co-worker. Some people, even if they're
married, think that it's artificial to limit these positive work experiences
to the office—they figure that if it feels good to be around their
officemate during work, it should feel good spending time together after
work as well.

For every spouse who believes in keeping the friendship-flame alive with
past lovers or current co-workers, there's another spouse who isn't happy
about the arrangement—you! Even though your mate sees lots of good reasons
to foster these friendships, you have an even better reason why not: because
it threatens the marriage. You're concerned that if your partner has a
friendship with a person today, it could grow into a love affair tomorrow.
And you have every reason to be concerned.

When one individual shares close intimacies with another of the opposite
sex, particularly if that person is someone who may be viewed as
"attractive," they develop a familiarity that binds them closer together.
This sense of connection breeds feelings of a specialness that leaves each
with the sense that they have a unique of understanding of each other—one
that other people can't appreciate. One big problem with this arrangement
is that it excludes the spouse, and directs the energies a partner should be
putting into his or her marriage out toward other people.

Your mate may believe that opposite-sex friendships are harmless because of
the fact that he or she (or his or her friend) are married. This, it is
believed, guarantees that this special connection will never evolve into
anything more. But that's just dead wrong! Many friendships outside of
marriage start as being "just friends," and grow closer and more intimate.
Because these friendships are so fresh, interesting and compelling, and
generate such a positive energy, it's not long before the two people
involved start to think that they are more compatible than their own life
partners. It's a small step from that realization to the development of a
full-blown affair, and the destruction of the marriage.

Not sure if you need to be concerned? Ask yourself these questions.

1. Is the person your partner spending time with someone whom he or she
would consider "attractive"?

2. Is your mate spending time with this other person outside of the office
work (even for office lunches) when other people are not around?

3. Has your spouse excluded his "friend" from your life, either by not
telling you when they are meeting, refusing to introduce you, or going into
another room to talk on the phone when you are near by.

4. Does your partner tell you that he or she has the kind of relationship
with this friend that you just couldn't understand?

A "yes" to (1) and any of the other three questions means your spouse's
friendship may be a threat to your marriage.

It's wonderful to have many friends. But if your mate is involved in a
special relationship with a person that makes you uncomfortable, don't
ignore that feeling. You've got to ask for what you need—for your mate to
end further personal and exclusive friendships with people of the opposite
sex. Remember, your spouse may not be intending to hurt you, and may
honestly feel like there is nothing to worry about. You can assist him or
her to understand you concerns; it may help to read this article together.

Finally, your partner may feel it's rude or unfair to the "friend" to end
the exclusivity of the friendship. That may be right, but frankly, not
taking action is rude and unfair to you. And, in all cases, the needs of a
spouse outweigh the needs of a friend. After all, you should always be #1
on your partner's buddy list.

Scott

[daveharvey83]

Great article. I'm having a similar (if not exactly the same) issue with my wife.

The question I have is, is there a way to fix this if she doesn't want to end the relationship.

[abby]

my husband also had a female "friend" who finally admitted her feelings for him. (he admits now that he should have ended it then and there.) but she is a very sexual person and it was only a matter of time before she weasled her way in between us, and the affair started. we're in counselling now. which has helped a lot. i would recommend it to anyone before it gets to that point. but things will never be the same. my heart is broken and i feel as if i'll never be able to trust him again.