I need help....

[livinglonely]

I have been married for 20 years. I found out several years ago that my husband had an an involvement with someone else for 4 years. When the secret was found out I was devastated and have never been able to fully trust him again. I always thought that he loved me but during the time that he had this affair he says that he hated me. Years have past and I still have night mares and cry. I want to see hope in the relationship but I don't. I still feel betrayed and hurt. I have been sleeping alone without him. He now says he loves me, but the wounds are so deep and the trust is gone. I do love him but always feel that he, given the chance will hurt me again, even though he says he wont

[STATMATT]

Here is the thing, trust is a huge issue. In the book "How to avoid Marrying a Jerk" There is a Relationship Attachment Model that basically states:
Know>=Trust>=Rely>=Commit>=Touch.

Consider each on a scale of 1 to 10.
i.e. the more you know about a person you tend to actually trust them (i.e. have a picture of who they are with you and trust is consistency.) So if trust is higher than what you know, then your expectations are exceeding the relationship. Now the Same thing carrys out into rely. So the more you trust someone the more you can rely upon them. This means you have a mental picture of who they are when they are doing things for you. (i.e. he will be there to pick me up from the mall Know = 4 Trust=3 Rely = 3. So if he doesn't show, then The actual model may need to be reorganized because it is out of balance i.e. Know=3 Trust=3, Rely=4) So you re-evaluate the relationship so that it can stay healthy. Hence, Know=3, Trust=3 Rely=3. Commit, in relation to Rely is something along the lines of who (in your perception) you are relying on and trusting them to be with and around others not in your presence. So Commit can be one of the most painful when turned upside down.

In marriage a healthy model may look like
Know=8 Trust=8 Rely=7 and Commit=7.
An unhealthy model may look like
Know=7 Trust=8 Rely=8 and Commit=9.

So likewise touch works in relation to Commit in much the same way.

So know, you live lonely in a separate room. where touch may exist for pleasantries just to look to friends and family that things are OK.
i.e. Hug = 1 on touch scale.

So if Touch=1 for you right now, your model looks a lot like...

Know=2 Trust=1 Rely=1 Commit=1 Touch=1

And you have been living this model for "several years," having your safety and welfare compromised by his affair and you knot having a clue about it.

So to me there are eight types of situations.
1. Married Happy in Private / Happy in Public (Authentic and comfortable with self and significant other)
2. Married Happy in Private / Unhappy in Public (Who you think is who you become, so if you make up drama that isn't there, it will soon follow)
3. Married Unhappy in Private / Happy in Public (People see through the facade and gossip about how much crap you put up with)
4. Married Unhappy in Private / Unhappy in Public (Needs to cut losses and Counseling)

And
5. Single Happy in Private / Happy in Public (Authentic and comfortable with Self)
6. Single Happy in Private / Unhappy in Public (Seems to be a drag to Others)
7. Single Unhappy in Private / Happy in Public (Seems Fake to Others)
8. Single Unhappy in Private / Unhappy in Public (Need Counseling)

Getting anywhere other than 1 and 5 are very painful and in fact help comprise the process of becomming 1 and 5. What are your values? I'm sure you see couples or people living 1 and 5 lifestyles. So, in the next XYZ years can you visualize yourself being one of these people. The more clearer and distinct you can visualize your future the more it can come to pass with one catch, you cannot force anyone to change for you and you cannot change only to keep someone in your life. You live with yourself till the last day. So if you value happiness and love, if you can "think and become" visualize your future happiness and love.

My personal opinion is once a cheater always a cheater, as when temptation arises, they already know how to hide it from their significant other and every close call refines this ability even further.

There is stability in keeping someone around to do the laundry, fix dinner, check the mail, pay the bills, etc... that are the benefits of being partners, but when one partner checks out and fails to communicate at all for FOUR years straight, You have been playing tug of war with no oponent!

Happiness is relevant, you are not the first woman to be in this situation. Ask any woman who has left and cut ties with their significant other if they are happier now than they were then. Most, if not all, will say they didn't know what took them so long. Sticking around is abusing yourself, in your current place, it seems you cannot allow yourself happiness as a sort of punishment to yourself and him (however he can get his needs met elsewhere as he has already proven, hence your punishment of him does not work so well.) But your punishment of your self is highly effective. It is the clasical I'm the victim spiel, but until you change that into the I'm a survivor spiel, I can't really give you any advise. Does that mean leave him, not necessarily.

Think of it this way. You have met someone new. You click and things are great you start dating, boyfriend/girlfriend, fiance with a wedding date in the future. Now how long did this take in your current relationship. To some the time is huge (high school sweethearts are an example I can think of), to others six months to a year is sufficient. Now in that timeframe, can your relationship go from seeing your husband as "someone new", dating again, boyfriend/girlfriend, fiance with a wedding date. If you cannot visualize this as a posibility, or if it is too painful, then it is not possible and life is too short, you deserve to be in a catagory 1 or 5. How you get there is up to you, but abusive relationships do far more damage than the alternative, plus if you have children, you are modeling that it is OK to:
Take the abuse of yourself and your husband for...ever.
There are no consequences of great value if one of your children were to cheat on their significant other.
And life is hopeless, if Mom and Dad can't be happy, then happiness isn't real, there is no such thing!

I kind of danced around several topics here and if there are any you want to look at or have explained differently, just let me know.

My situation, spouse cheated, I moved out, I've been going through counseling, and I have to say, things are a lot better now that I can be myself. Am I over it, heck no, but I'm not wallowing in my own dispair, depression and grief.

Best Wishes
STATMATT

[Scott Haltzman]

Thanks, StatMatt,

That's a very comprehensive answer!

Scott

[lexiemae1980]

I tried to do the same thing. My husband slept with my sister. Now that I know what he is capable of, whether he loves me or not, I love my life and happiness more. He did that seven years and two kids ago but to this day I hate him. I used to have nightmares about it when I still cared about him. He has changed me as a person. I can't get close to him again because the nightmares will start again. Actually I had a dream about them last night. You will never stop thinking about them together. How many birthdays, holidays, family gatherings, did he share with you while he was with her. How did he treat you because he was with her(if he is like most men he treated you like crap). I was never jealous or controlling before he cheated now I have insomnia and I have to check everything before I go to bed. I check the doors (to make sure she does not sneak in) I check all his email accounts, I have bugged the house. I have never found anything but you know what I am convinced they are still sleeping together they just got better at hiding it. I have tried to trust him and I cannot. Don't let what happened to you change you like it did me. I wish to God I had left him 7 years ago. What you are doing by staying with him is destroying your spirit, causing you to be depressed ( probably cause that is what it did to me) It is impossible for me to open up to him. I can't talk to him, I can't have sex with him (if I do I feel nauseated), I can't feel anything for him accept disgust. I am leaving him soon. I did schedule a polygraph for him to take just for my own peace of mind but I am still leaving him whether he passes or fails because he killed *me* 7 years ago, I don't know who I am anymore because I spent 7 year trying to control everything he did. I was so trusting then that when he told me he cheated with her I called him a liar. I could not even fathom the idea that something like that had happened so a year later he told me again and I still did not believe him until she told me. When you find out what a person is capable of it is hard to trust them anymore. It is hard to be yourself, hard to have fun with them, hard to just be. You should hold him to the same moral standard you hold for yourself. You would never do that so what makes it ok for him to. I have been dealing with this for so long that I am actually past the point of crying but I will tell you this, what he did to me was worse than the time I was gang raped. I have been molested, raped, almost murdered, beaten, among other things. I made it through all of that and I was still a trusting person because I decided that I was not going to let any of them change me but this did. He killed a part of me that will never come back and he did so viciously. If your husband had viciously killed your dog you would leave him but when he viciously kills a part of you what do you do? This changed me into a hateful, angry, sad, pessimistic person (only when I am around him). This happened gradually over 7 years. I hate who I am anymore. When he leaves for the day I am happy again but the second he comes home I cannot be myself. I don't have it in me to sleep with his brother, not even out of revenge I will not compromise who I am because of what he did. I have come so close to compromising my morals because I hurt so bad from what he did. I knew it would not help though. Nothing could take it away. Early on I used to cry and cry and say I just want to stop hurting but he could not take the pain away and me staying with him only expounded it because I could not talk to him about it. He did not want to talk about it. He could not support me through one of the most tramatic experiences of my life because he purposefully caused the pain.
Just sit down and say to yourself...is it possible to get back what we lost.. If not don't waste 7 years to answer that question, like I did. How I wish I could just go back in time.