If woman doesn't give enough sex... ok to cheat?

[Majikmike]

I am in a moral dilemma. I love my wife and we for the majority of the time, have a smooth sailing relationship. We both work full-time in very stressful jobs, we are trying to build the financial foundations to have children.

In the time at home I have, I really do pull my weight around the house. I try through my helping behaviours to show her I love her. Buying her flowers, chocolates is not something I do, so in some sense I may not be the 'romantic' type. I really just try to show her that I love her through my kind actions. I spend hours listening to how she feels, without giving advice. In her work, I try to help her with plans to be more successful. I am a husband who really loves his wife and trys to show her at all times, through his actions his deep love for her.

Our problem, or my problem rather is the lack of sex. She never makes the time to be pro-active sexually with me. If sex occurs, it occurs because I have prompted it, VERY rarely does it occur on her own doing. Physically, I work out hard at the gym, there is no reason for me to not be attractive in her eyes. So I am confused. I have come to accept within myself, that I am not the problem - I used to blame myself, for not being attractive enough in her eyes because of this... not enough money, not maintaining the house enough etc. But even when I'm working my guts out to help her, the same issue arrises: my need for sex, and her apparent lack of sex drive.

So Ive never slept with anyone else outside of our 10 year relationship, I have been completely faithful. However, I feel now I am getting the point where I feel neglected and are thinking about pursuing other women outside of my relationship.

I've talked about my unhappiness with her, however she seems to believe that she gives me adequate sex and that I must have deeper self-esteem issues at play here. She may be right, every man wants to feel validated and I am no exception to that rule. Regardless, I crave her touch and I wont more than anything else in the world, for the woman I love to want me physically as much as I want her. However, for years now my situation has just gone from bad to worse.

So guys, help a married man out here. Should I be looking outside of my relationship for the physical touch of another woman? Should I visit an escort service? Have a girl-friend on the side?

I would really appreciate any advice or suggestions you may have.

Mike

[Scott Haltzman]

Hi Mike,

Thanks for joining our forum.

I think you know the answer! No...going outside the marriage won't work, although A LOT of men have been in your shoes in their marriages.

How old are you; how long you been married?

Have you read the "Understand the truth about sex" chapter of my book?

Scott

[elizacol]

If you are that *unhappy* with things you need to be a real man and leave the relationship.

Cheating is a coward's way out.

If you can't move yourself to do that, then you need to print out what you just wrote and hand it to your wife. Plain and simple.

Apparently, she doesn't 'get it'. She needs to get it and soon!


If you think printing out your words and handing them to her is/will be too difficult, you haven't seen anything yet! Wait until the 'difficulty' that arises when she finds out you went elsewhere. There is no comparison.

I'm not saying you are in the wrong. You aren't. She is. However, 2 wrongs don't make a right.

Do the right thing and lay it all out for her.

She needs to know EXACTLY how you feel. No tip-toeing around the issue.

If you haven't explained exactly how you feel and exactly what you are intending/thinking about doing/pondering, then you have not done all that you need to do on your end. That fault lies w/you.

Again, she is in the wrong. But, you have a responsibility as well.

[happy in PA]

As one who ALMOST strayed in similar circumstances, I agree with Elizacol. going outside is never a good answer. I am glad that I stepped back before I crossed that line.

Do whatever you have to to open up the lines of communication. Be aware as well, that there is no quick fix. I began to force us to face the serious issue we had in 1985. We were still in rough enough shape in 2002 that I was planning my departure as soon as my son graduated college. Some of the years in between were pretty lousy, but we were occasionally making forward progress. some of that time was pretty good as well.

I'm still not sure my wife realizes just how painfully unfappy I was at times. I took to writing letters to her. They sitll sit on my hard drive, unshared. But they gave me an opportunity to vent my frustration. I was also blessed with a close friend who knew us both well and was always willing to listen.

The last 5-years have seen tremendous strides. I am glad that we were both so committed to one another, our relationship, and eventually our children, that we fought our way through.

Happy in PA

[adrianna1973]

First Mike, you have my compassion in a big way. Beleive it or not, their are women out their in the same boat and I am one of them. My guy has a lot baggage around sex and just does not have anywhere near the sex drive that I do. He thinks once a month is fine and he almost never initiates. I tried the "let's communicate" appraoch because I wanted to understand him better. If I was not getting sex and he was busy masturbating to the girls on the internet I wanted to know why. What came out of that first discussion was that he had trouble with real inimacy - the kind that happens when the initial thrill wears off. He has not been very good at maintaining a relationship when the thrill is gone in the past. To his credit, he made it clear that he did not want me to go.

In bed however things did not improve. I knew that it had nothing to with me because he let me know his previous patterns. I know how hurtful it is to be feeling amourus and be turned away over and over again. Eventually I had to give him an ultamatum. It was just to painful and unheathy for me to continue in that relationship for much longer. I was very careful about that ultimatum since you never know how ultimatums will turn out. I told him straight out that if things did not improve somehow I knew where the door was. I was not particular about what form of improvement, all I really wanted to see was a sincere effort and interest in improvement. I told him I would wait it out if he got help of some kind. I suggested he seek out medical and/or psycological help. This went over like a lead ballon. I also told him that if we sincerely exaghsted every possible means of help and still no sex that I would still love him and stay with him. The bottom line though was get help or I am getting a new man.

To make a long story shorter...the comprimises we have worked out so far are that he has promised to stop masturbating while on the internet ( that one is fine if he can keep me satisfied), and that he will hold me,etc while I masturbate. With him being involved in masturbation I still get my intamacy needs met and he does not get pressured into sex. Thing have improved but their is still a long way to go.

As for cheating... pain is temporay, regret lasts forever. Tell your wife that you have needs that are important to you and the health of the marraige that are not being met. Be brave and overcome and fear about what her reaction might be. Approach her in co-operative spirit and what ever you do don't play the blame game. I think most people like being asked for help so ask for hers an get her onboard with a problem solving additude. You may need the help of counciling or a sex therapist. Be compassionate. Have you ruled out any possible health issues that might effect her libido? What about phycological issues she may have?

I found that when I got help, I got hope and the urge to cheat dwindled.

Good luck and I would love to hear how it turns out

Cheers,
Adrianna

[lexiemae1980]

I think what you are really craving is the intamacy. If you are a smoker and you are craving nicotine then smoking takes care of the craving but sex without intamacy will not kill the craving. Tell her you want passion, tell her what you want and be specific. My husband won't ive me any either and I have tried dancing for him, going down on him, I have even tried to make him jealous and nothing works, I hope things work out better for you.
Suggestions: Take her out dancing and let her drink alot... that usually starts a spark somewhere and maybe it will turn into a fire but the spark has to start
or ... give her a bath and compliment her 1 billion times a day then at the end of the day be as passionate as you can
ie.. deep kisses with one hand between her neck and her face and the other hand around her lower back. Also another move that works is coming up behind her and kissing down her neck while slowly pulling the neck of her shirt down her shoulder then moving your hand from her neck down to her tata's.. Anyway that works for me. Usually if I try to be intimate with my husband he laughs in the middle of it.. Pretend you are a man in the desert and she is a glass of water. Also when you get her to the bed try lightly biting, or holding her hands down or pulling her hair (very lightly) or slapping her behind... I think she may not feel sexy so start doing the above..
Some women have low self esteem too so let her know that she is the one you want. Please do not cheat that would seriously kill her spirit
Although I would ask her if she wants to stay with you. If she does DO NOT cheat. It would be too painful for her unless she did it first then you get a freebee

[Alex]

[i]I'm a wife who did, eventually, go outside marriage. I spent two years trying to work with my husband - who is great, supportive, smart, fun, committed - on the gap between our sex drives. Time after time, he just went dumb when I raised it - I understand he might be appalled. But it's hurtful, humiliating, destructive to be rejected over and over again.
If you're reasonably attractive, as I am, it's easy to find a lover - it's simply a matter of responding positively to the suggestions that come our way (people who're not open to a lover won't pick up the suggestion, or will respond neutrally or negatively). So for the past two years, I've had a lover. He lives in a different city, but both of us travel a bit, so I see him every few weeks. He's not a potential partner, but he's a fantastic lover.
What am I trying to tell you? It's a shabby solution, perhaps. But if your wife won't hear you, and you're faced with either leaving her (in the hope that you'll find a relationship that will give you all your marriage does, plus sex) or making the disappointing compromise, I chose the latter. It need not be the end.[/i]

[abby]

If you feel the need to go outside your marriage, then may I suggest that you end your marriage. Safe yourself and your wife a lot of grief! What ever happened to "For better or for worse"??? Does your wife know how you feel? Have you ever thought of or suggested counselling....both sexual and marriage?
I never had a clue my husband felt that way.
He was never home, always out drinking and partying with the boys, never helped out around the house, never hugged or snuggled with me, rarely even slept in the same bed with me....yet he expected me to jump into bed with him the minute he was horny. It just doens't work that way...foreplay for women start 2-3 days before! At any rate I really wish he would have suggested we get help before he took matters into his own hands and went outside of our marriage. We both have herpes now thanks to his selfishness! Is it really worth it?

[justaguy]

I recently ended a 14 year marriage for a similar situation. However I have to point out, it's not as easy as you might think. However, it can solve the no sex problem. On the positive side. I feel the woman I am with now is the woman I should have always been with. And I wonder how I survived those 14 years. Or as my son said, " I can't believe you made it this long." But I'd also point out it wasn't just sex. Having sex once a month, (I'm currently enjoying it 3-4 times a week) wasn't the only issue. My wife wanted to live in a town 30,000 or bigger with a library she could walk to, social groups she can participate in, a library she can walk to. I wanted to live in an area close to hiking, crown land to explore , rivers and lakes for canoeing. Isolation doesn't bother me, people do. I'm a trained cabinetmaker, I wanted a place where I could build a shop and have a place to work. Last time we moved she basically emotionally black mailed me into giving her everything she wanted while I go nothing. So at one point I told her I needed one of, hiking close enough to not have to drive, a workshop, or a sex life. Any one would do. A year passed with no response. After the year I quite accidentally fell in love with someone else and moved out. At some point, you just have to admit you made a mistake and move on. I wouldn't think no sex alone would be enough. If I was puttering away in my workshop making fine furniture, or enjoying stalking wildlife with my camera in the wilderness somewhere, I could compensate for the lack of sex. It wasn't just the lack of sex, it was also the lack of anything else I could possibly use to compensate for the lack of sex. You have to look at the whole relationship. I'm still transitioning to a new relationship, and things are tough, but I can see when I get through this transition, things will be better. I wake up in the morning with hope. Something that had disappeared from my life. I look at the stats and I think we have a 25% chance of success in my new relationship. But I feel alive now, at least I've had 9 months of happiness, and in my old marriage, my chances of achieving that appeared to be about 0%

[gurnb84]

I am married to a woman (9 years) who seems to have very low sex drive. We have sex only 6 -12 times a year. Recently I have been sending out a vibes to women that I am available and getting alot of looks and comments from women. I am an attractive man and am enjoying the prime years of my middle age. But sometimes I feel like I am wasting these years with a woman who will not show appreciation for me.
I don't need to be put on a pedastal and I don't even need to be good looking to feel underappreciated. I really just want to be touched with passion at least once a week. Touched like I am the only thing there is, no dirty laundry, no kids toys, no phone calls to best friends, just me. And then we float away together for a few short minutes.

Wanting the ocean view
Scott

[elizacol]

Then I would suggest you print out what you just wrote and show it to your wife. Point blank show it to her. It is heartfelt and honest. She needs to know.

Seriously, print it out and hand it to her. She needs to know how deeply you feel and that you've pretty much already crossed the line due to your feelings and her rejection(?) of you.

Then, give her a 6 month period in which you 2 seek counseling, work together, or whatever.

If, at the end of 6 months, things haven't improved, then consider moving on.

You deserve to feel loved and she deserves to know EXACTLY how you feel.

[MrsBridges]

The key to having more sex is.. sex. The more you do it, the more you want it, something about it brings out the testosterone in both the male and the female, and I don't know, its just a funky cycle.

[matthewk]

An affair is NEVER justified and destroys both parties. Work it out together or be respectful and part as friends. My wife of 25 years has refused to have sex with me for 3 years and I either get the patient award or the idiot-fool award, but I will never cheat on her.

Lexie, those lovely suggestions you made just about made me fall out of my chair. I want to send my wife to YOUR seminar for a week

All women are different, have different levels of desire, I just got the one extreme unfortunately. But above all, marriage is about much more, chiefly a commitment to remain faithful while the marriage is still present.

My two cents.

Matthewk

[ThunderHorse]

. My wife of 25 years has refused to have sex with me for 3 years and I either get the patient award or the idiot-fool award, but I will never cheat on her.

Matthewk

Timing. What time is your first serious appraoch?

Aproach. How do you start foreplay? How do you progress? What are your massage skills? What massage instruction tapes do you have? Does she like her back scratched?


Hours ahead of time, Can you caress her breasts or her vulvas, out of sight of the children?


Recovery from rejections: What does she say when you are caressing her in bed, at 1 AM? 11 PM? Does your wife stop you from masturbating next to her? If she pushes you away, how long do you wait to re-aproach? My wife takes 3 minutes for a reset, but some women take 7 minutes.



Mutual Masturbation: Does she like her pubic mound caressed as she is waiting to go to sleep?



Appreciation: Can you mention something like, "I am sure glad I have a decent paying job so the chldren can afford to have $ in their college fund."



Parenting: Do you have parenting tapes and books that mention the importance of hte Father Role?


What sequences of soultions to more gradual foreplay have you tried, that don't work? How can your apporaches be modified? How does she stop you?



//

[matthewk]

. My wife of 25 years has refused to have sex with me for 3 years and I either get the patient award or the idiot-fool award, but I will never cheat on her.

Matthewk

Timing. What time is your first serious appraoch?

Aproach. How do you start foreplay? How do you progress? What are your massage skills? What massage instruction tapes do you have? Does she like her back scratched?


Hours ahead of time, Can you caress her breasts or her vulvas, out of sight of the children?


Recovery from rejections: What does she say when you are caressing her in bed, at 1 AM? 11 PM? Does your wife stop you from masturbating next to her? If she pushes you away, how long do you wait to re-aproach? My wife takes 3 minutes for a reset, but some women take 7 minutes.



Mutual Masturbation: Does she like her pubic mound caressed as she is waiting to go to sleep?



Appreciation: Can you mention something like, "I am sure glad I have a decent paying job so the chldren can afford to have $ in their college fund."



Parenting: Do you have parenting tapes and books that mention the importance of hte Father Role?


What sequences of soultions to more gradual foreplay have you tried, that don't work? How can your apporaches be modified? How does she stop you?



//

Wow Thunderhorse, I appreciate the lengthy advice. You do seem like the guru here, and I appreciate the help. Let me respond based on my situation.

Ah, I so wish much of this was even applicable, you see, I consider myself lucky to get a hug goodbye or a peck on the cheek. Massage? Foreplay? Even SEEING her breasts? That, my friend, hasn't happen in a number of years. She is basically completely unresponsive and denies any requests for any number of reasons.

I would be happy to even SNUGGLE with her (which she denied me upon request just this morning).

I'm a solid, dependable father and I've listened to a number of parenting tapes (usually at her request). We're on the same page when it comes to parenting (though I'm less critical, softer in my discipline).

My wife has never masturbated, is not interested in mine (I don't want to know about it, that's your business).

She appreciates my $$ and she is fully dependent on my earnings.

Sooooooooooooo, my sex life completely sucks despite whatever I do to improve it. My wife just ain't interested in any kind of intimacy.

Thanks Thunderhorse, good luck in your marriage. You seem to have it handled well!