now what??should i leave?.

now what??should i leave?.

Postby saraM. » Sun Feb 05, 2006 3:17 pm

i have been married for 10 years, the first five years didn't have kids with my husband to finish my uni studies. My husband had a one night stand 6 years ago and resulted in a baby. i forgave him and decided to move on, but wasn't easy, then the woman decided to give full custody of the child who was two to my husband an now i am raising as my own for 4 years now. but during this 6 years is like he looking outside now, i first found a letters, well that stopped, then like messages of women he had met on the internet, one even suggested had giving him oral sex and his husband contact me about it . and then others , look quite innocents but by now my trust was starting to slip.. anyway that also i let it pass after a while, it is not like he would give me a huge bouquet of roses, to say sorry or something i thought that he would try to make it up by renovating the house and always being financially responsible and hoping deep down he would change as i always try to be as good as i can , i am not perfect but in arguments he sort of making it i am the one to blame that he has had a bad life with me and bring up my weight issue or my family etc it really can put you down. i have almost always try to please him sexually.
By now i have my own son , he is 2 years old and my stepson is 6 and the thing is because of the attitude he gets i would wonder why? something so simple like forgot to take the laundry out the first words for him to tell me are swearing words or telling me what kind of lazy woman i am, anyways i though lately he always has his mobile ph off, and noticed he would try to make trips late afternoon or night to the library or go and buy milk even though we had enough. then i got his mobile ph bill at the end of last year, and there was this long list of the same number. of course a woman answered, i talk to her and said they were only friends, that he would call her and really have friendly talking about everthing, me as the naive stupid woman i said as long as it is that. he sort of tried to say it was stupid and that he had no contacted her, yet the next one it was longer than the first, i threatened lo leave unless he went to marriage counselling. we only went two times, he really didn't want to be there , he didn't want to go anymore, and well after i while in december i tried again to get back to normal, but before making him say that he really had stopped contact and i spoke with the woman yet again and well she said that she had told him to stop calling her because obviosly was affecting our marriage...but this month i checked his bill on line because he had changed to three months bill. and the phones and messages are there still! sometimes up to 5 messages in one day!, this i have confronted him really sternely, and his only response? silence and more silence, and to me he seems so cool and calm about it!doesn't seem to be agitated by the whole thing he lied to me more than once. the few things he said were he has had enough and sort of did it as reprocassion or something like that? maybe from what i can undertstand from what i did he did this....what have done? love him, forgave him so many times and especially of all, try to help him raise his kid?????i am not perfect but this time he has gone low, really low. obviosly he is out the marital room i trie d to tell him to move out a couple of days but still he doesn't, been a week and half now. and still he is saying nothing, has not even said sorry, his routine, goes to work, comes home do stuff...like if nothing maybe thinking i would calm down..as before i have done..but i am seriously thinking leaving this time, is just i am trying to leave a window for him but that window is getting smaller and smaller. he loves his kids but not even them make him stop doing this to me , i am really sad and my self steem is gone, i tried to be strong for the kids, try to enjoy time with them but sometimes i just to be alone because i am tired, i tried to do excercise and actually have lost some weight but the excercise and diet has helped too. anyone with a suggestion i would really appreciate as talking has been my therapy.
saraM.
 

Alone

Postby saraM. » Wed Feb 08, 2006 2:19 am

Well i can see my problem is not big deal not to get even one reply from a soul, i guess i will have to face this alone still and see what happens.
saraM.
 

Postby StepCrazy » Wed Feb 08, 2006 10:19 pm

I am sorry. I did not read your post as I was so wrapped up in my troubles I was taking instead of helping. Your right when you say this sounds like my mess. My first instinct is leave. I am not really a good person to give advice right now. I honestly thought last night that I could handle this, but tonight decided no and told him I was sorry, it would not work I could not do this anymore and it is over. If I were in your shoes and this was not the first time it happened and I new for sure that he had sex with another woman...that would be a deal breaker. What are you getting from him that you would miss or lose? I look at my situation and I see what I have sacrificed to be here and for nothing. I get nothing from my husband, he is a leech. So ask yourself that...what are you going to miss if he leaves? I am scared to death about being alone in several ways right now, I wanted to get my ducks in a row first, but after a comment my 16 year old daughter made tonight I realize I am not being a good example by staying with someone who does not treat me right or my kids or his kids for that matter. I am enabling him to stupid. Let him be stupid with someone else. I am done enabling him. He makes really good money over $10,000 a month...now that will be tough, I will have a really hard time supporting the girls and myself, but I am a strong woman and I believe in myself. I am like you...I had a lot of self-confidence when I met this guy, but now its like zilch! Thats not right!! If my husband or yours put fourth anything that made us think that they really were sorry and wanted it to work then I would say go for it. But neither of them is. My husband and I do go out quite a bit and I still don't think thats significant for the record.

Hope this helps.
StepCrazy
 
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move on

Postby saraM. » Thu Feb 09, 2006 3:54 pm

Thank you for your reply.
i know we are going through something sooo similar..
and it hurts in my case too because i have small children to think of, and actually he said he need it to open up a few things with me and i didn't deserve to be treated the way he did and that a was so loyal to him and recognised we had had 10 rough years , mostly from him , wel that is a start...and he is taking me a this place to the beach tonight only the two of us, first time in years!,well to talk , anyway i am a bit scared of what he is going to say i am trying to be in control and calm, and that was a good bit to tell him that you have mentioned, i am not being a good example of being let treated by the way he treats me because my sons are going to tell me that, i know because we did with our mum too! should me know better eh?. anyway i don't think he wants to break it up at all because we both got to find out what his "friend" was doing and saying, she told me to leave him he was sleazy, and she told him to leave me because i was a bitch in other words. so imagine what a mess! hopefully he now realises and see what he has at home, i have to recognise i was letting myself go in the marriage too , i don't know maybe i was bored and hardly pay any attention to him, even like most nights i would stay late watching Tv when he actually wanted me with him at the time he went to bed , i mean little things like that could possible contributes but still , anyway he didn't sleep with her. he just liked how much "attention" and listening she was giving him , but because he spoke with my stepbrother and because i have told him everything before, he knew what to tell him and my stepbrother said my husband recognise what this woman was making to both of us and said she was the bitch. It is a big eye opener to me because even though he is much at fault, there are things in me i need to change tactics, like he has to agree with me in everything to matter what! even if i think is for good cause i still have to listen and have his opinion counted. and also stop talkin to these women , i know now is not good and healthy our integrity is losing, and if we do is just to say plainly leave our husbands alone, but if they don't well they deserve each other.
well i hope you have made clear your decision and good for you the kids deserve a happy mother and you deserve better we always say that and we have to mean it and we are not here to be babysitters or slaves to men that always do whathever they want behind our backs, that is the thing why do things hidden ??
good luck
saraM.
 

Postby StepCrazy » Thu Feb 09, 2006 9:00 pm

Sara

I hope tonight goes well. It is so typical of us women to start taking blame for the stupid things a man does. You did it in your statement above and I have done the same thing. They screw us and the first time they say something sorta nice we come back saying how we did this and we did that. We are stupid. They accuse us of hurting their ego so they go screw another woman. We are betrayed by them and we just turn around and instead of exacting revenge we take the blame!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whats wrong with us? LOL

Anyway, I hope it does go well. I told my husband as I told you last night that it was over. I did it very calmly and I have not spoke to him since last night when I said it. Normally, we would fight, tell the other to get out and couple of hours or the next morning we would be fine. I am sure he expected the same out of me this time. But that dog don't hunt no more. I have not shed one tear about this decision. I only feel relief and I feel good about myself and remaining calm. The calmer you remain, the more control you have and I think the more empowered you feel. I decided I was done enabling him to act single while retaining married benefits. Either he does some serious waking up which as hard headed and right as he has to be, I dont see happening or its over. At this point walking on water would be the only thing he could do to stop me.
StepCrazy
 
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keep going

Postby SARINIA » Sun Feb 12, 2006 4:50 pm

HI there is me SaraM.

well i just came back from the trip, we talked and well i knew he didn't want to break it up and that it was a stupid thing to do and would try to change somethings in him, well first time ever i heard him talk like that and i only listened, and he told me he had taken me so granted for the woman i was and even if i do mistakes, wasn't reasons enough for him to do getting in dangerous waters again. He told me if i wanted to leave he would understand. Well after a while a told him we could try ONE more time, only once that is it , because what he had put me through and the kids wasn't fair and also i didn't want to see no a single txt or call, no even one in a month to that woman anymore from this week. If he bother to call or msg her i will be out for good, her or any other woman. I mean i know our friends but when is someone that never seen or heard before that is a different story.
Anyway we tried to have a good time after that, he even said to stay another night and he would bring the kids, 2 hours trip each way! and that day i was left on my own , i really needed that time, i went to the beach to walk, loooong walk, i tried to be calm as i had when we talked and yeah this time didn't shed a tear, was so sick of it and made me look like a weak and annoying, well this time i let him show that even though it hurts i was prepared to walk out and didn't show any despair about it, because they think as you said we will get over it, next morning like nothing, that is what my husband's attitude was, exactly like yours , he is going to wait for days if it possible to see what happens and see if you change your mind and get back to normal. If it was about a little domestic thing is different, but not getting so friendly with others women and being liers.
I have checked his mobile phone bill and there has not been a single call or msg in almost 15 days now, but most to me, i said to him if you ever feel like msg he can send it to me no matter what it is, well will see what happens..
Good luck to you and you see nothing happening, stick to your decision, i think there will be moments of feeling bad, but thinking about the good outcomes and what you can do as single , can lift up the sad feeling.
SARINIA
 
Posts: 10
Joined: Sun Feb 05, 2006 2:30 pm
Location: sydney. Australia

Postby tlescak » Fri Feb 24, 2006 8:23 am

SaraM-

I don't want to be the devil's advocate here, but your husband is a cheat. And once a cheat, always a cheat. You have put up with way more in this marriage than most women would. He has cheated on you more than once, the time resulting in your stepson, the woman on the other end of the cellphone, (yes they were having an affair, don't delude yourself.) and the times you knwo nothing about.

Taking you to the beach for your romantic getaway was "damage control". He is facing the fact that you are going to leave. He is lookiong down the barrel of a divorce. Child support, financial strain, isolation from the kids, and he is scared. But he will cheat on you again, I can guarantee it.

Do not confront him, but the nest time you suspect he is cheating, call a Private Investigator. The P.I. will get solid proof in the way of photos or video, which may be admissable as evidence in divorce court. It will make him look very bad and will result in you getting custody of the kids and most all of your assets.

Don't delay the inevitable. Get out of this toxic relationship NOW, and find someone who will be faithful to you.

And DO NOT blame yourself for his atrocious behavior. It is NOT your fault he is a dog.

BTW I am a 36 year old male.
tlescak
 
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Postby SARINIA » Mon Feb 27, 2006 9:49 pm

Thanks very much for your reply Tlescak !!

this week i though everything was ok but some arguments about how he prefered the kids in childcare to mum taking care of them, is so stupid, is a very complicated situation because of the schedule of hours between his studies and mine, and mum comes when he is about to leave in the meantime i am getting home...i mean i don't want the kids in childcare that cost money, someone may do something to them and for god'ssake is their grandmother,even my stepson adores her, can't he see that it hasn't been easy even for my mum to adapt and see his mistake 6 years ago??he blames her and me for what happened , always!and also he said she is not good to come and look after the kids because?? just because he thinks she does nothing all day(!) and i can't remember what other shit he was justifing about ....from this argument i see there is not point of him changing not even for what he has done that is the issue, he acts like he has never done nothing wrong and still comes "demanding"according to his own ass. I cook, but my food is terrible, i clean, is not clean enough! Well i don't want more apologies, i don't want to know what he is doing, i don't think he is going to be married with me in the long run, as he put it, he never is gonna stay married to someone like me, PERIDO! that is what he actually said to me . i have made up my mind and i don't want to go back, as you put it, is TOXIC! completely. For my own sanity as well and my baby , as unfortunaly i didn't adopt my stepson and i don't have any legal right over him. I asked him if he still is contacting the woman, he doesn't say anything again..welll that is it for me i am gonna start looking for a place of my own , i told him because he wouldn't leave, as he doesn't have the pants to do it , i will do it and will need money if he doesn't want to live like this either! i will ask for a loan or something, the thing is to leave, as quietly as possible, i have had enough and as you put it i have put up with more than other women in a marriage like this..i need to LOVE ME too!
SARINIA
 
Posts: 10
Joined: Sun Feb 05, 2006 2:30 pm
Location: sydney. Australia

Postby tlescak » Tue Feb 28, 2006 10:05 am

Sarinia-

As you said "I need to love ME too". Nothing could be more true.

People make a HUGE mistake by thinking that someone that they marry will "make them happy." True happiness comes from within, it can come from nowhere else. You can't depend on other people for your happiness. It must come from inside of you. The beautiful thing is that once you are happy, you have the power to make others around you happy. But someone who is unhappy cannot make anyone else happy.

Your husband does not sound like a happy person. And as a result he is making you unhappy.
tlescak
 
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Postby SARINIA » Sun Aug 20, 2006 11:15 pm

Well, it has been more than 3 months, and in those 3 months i have left, i couldn't not take it any longer, so sick of begging and being left alone and feeling like a potato sack in the corner. Enoug was enough, he kept saying couldn't stand the situation but wouldn't do anything about it. My H kept contacting the other woman, and the worst was his attitude was wrong at home, wouldn't go out as a family or wouldn't speak to me at home even if i tried to have a conversation with him, he would be so distant. Even now i tried to have the communication open for the kids's well being and i though probably we could start again being apart, but then i find again he is still in contact with the same woman. Now i decided i held too long for this marriage, even if it was only "in name" as my husband told me. Is hard some days but the support of family and friends has been huge. most of them are glad i left, they could see from outside what was happening and me always bowing my head. Is not like he has asked me to comeback and even separated something goes wrong about the kids or other related issues he goes back and slamms is my fault, the good thing is now i can hang up the phone and not need to keep hearing that. I said now if the man doesn't show he really wants to do something about the mistake and don't want to be reminded of it, is not worth it to hold on, you just keep getting hurt and hurt. i am so much calmer now and relax. Because of the issue of the house i still would have to deal with him but otherwise i would be completely cut off from him. Is so hard that it will take me a long time to trust someone and put the effort in another relationship in the future, like i did, wasting my time in this one.
SARINIA
 
Posts: 10
Joined: Sun Feb 05, 2006 2:30 pm
Location: sydney. Australia

Good for you

Postby annemarie » Wed Aug 23, 2006 11:23 am

Keep your chin up.
I too know the devastation of realizing one's husband is not longer interested and is looking around for something new and more exciting. I'm still dealing with the heartbreak and trying to sort out what is real and what is BS. In the meantime, I've lost all my self-confidence. I hope you get yours back eventually.

It would be hard to get back in the game after such a series of humiliating experiences.

Good luck.
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Postby SARINIA » Sat Sep 16, 2006 9:30 pm

Thanks for your reply, yes well for me to get back at the game is going to be so hard. Finally got to see that these two with no morals and biggest liers were having me for a ride all the time and i truly tried to believe that it was only calls but got to see some msgs of the woman in the old phone my husband had, i got to check it because even if i knew it would hurt me it will help on my choices to decide for the future.
Is hard for me not to think what i could have done better, or something in me didn't make him al least stop doing what he was doing.. anyway i changed my number and let see how far he goes to look for contact with
his son, i made it way too easy for him, everything. i don't care if he get angry, he reap what he sow.
Last edited by SARINIA on Wed Sep 20, 2006 1:55 am, edited 1 time in total.
SARINIA
 
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Location: sydney. Australia

The son

Postby Scott Haltzman » Sun Sep 17, 2006 5:35 pm

Hi Sara,

It sounds like you've been through a lot, and wished so much for a husband with fidelity and integrity. I'm sorry for how this must be so painful for you.

It's hard for me to remain silent, though, when you say that you are hiding your son from his father, or at least making it almost impossible to find him. It's easy to confuse the poor way your husband treated you with how he treats his children.

In my experience, whenever possible, children need their parents-- as long as that contact can take place in safety. Parents, for that matter, also need to be able to be with their children if it's what they choose.

I don't know how you're going to resolve this, but I think it's got to be resolved, and fast.


S.H.

Please remember: THE SITE DOES NOT PROVIDE MEDICAL ADVICE. The information about relationship, emotional, psychiatric, psychological disorders and treatments diseases contained on this website or through e-mail correspondence is general in nature and is intended for use as an educational and reference. NOTHING CONTAINED IN THE SERVICE IS INTENDED TO BE FOR MEDICAL DIAGNOSIS OR TREATMENT.
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infidelity

Postby weedenwife » Tue Sep 19, 2006 8:35 am

My husband's infidelity led us to marriage couseling. I wrote about a 20 page journal entry on my emtions upon my finding out (which I found out from everyone other than my husband). My emtions ranged from amused to tears and anger and confusion to hopelessness...to this day, I'm still thoroughly confused and stunned.
Infidelity breaks that bond between husband and wife. Men...your wives see you not only as sappy soulmates, at least for me, I saw him as my gaurdian and protector...my "wing man" (which I never realized till this happened).
Now, I have trust issues, I don't even feel safe with him driving the car! Deep down, I know it was his random act of horniness that led me to feel that not only am I not first in his thoughts but my wellbeing is of no consequence to him, as long as he is satisfied. Men, it cuts way deeper than a few tears and arguments. It's grief, embarassment, abandonment and many other things.
I think everyone thinks on it and has fantasies. But it's my experience that you never act or speak on it...to or with anyone!
________
Last edited by weedenwife on Thu Feb 24, 2011 12:37 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: The son

Postby SARINIA » Wed Sep 20, 2006 1:49 am

Scott Haltzman wrote:It's hard for me to remain silent, though, when you say that you are hiding your son from his father, or at least making it almost impossible to find him. It's easy to confuse the poor way your husband treated you with how he treats his children.

In my experience, whenever possible, children need their parents-- as long as that contact can take place in safety. Parents, for that matter, also need to be able to be with their children if it's what they choose.

I don't know how you're going to resolve this, but I think it's got to be resolved, and fast.


S.H.



Hi there
I understand what you are saying, and before the end of last week he was free to come and go with my son at anytime. The only thing i have done to cut off contact is to disconnect my mobile, i am 20 minutes from him, where i live with my mum. He has my mum's number and the house number. He hasn't bother to even ask through my mum to see him, i don't think that is trying at all. All the time i said to him "come and pick him up" and sometimes he would say he would be there at such hour and will come up to 2 hours later..where was he all that time he was supposed to come and be with his son??.
i had enough, his life is a lie, with a pattern that i am not willing to follow. Like the last lady said, trust is gone, big time and i am thinking my future with someone, will take a loong time to get that back, everything is suspicios. The heartbreak of him being unffaithful again i could feel it literally to the point of my heart being diagnosed with irregular heartbeating and palpations. He is even blackmailing me that i only took my son Dan and left my stepson with him.. i mean where does he get off honestly with such hypocresy? I love my stepson very much and i am soooo sorry i couldn't do anymore but it wasn't my fault, and such at end of day is my husband's responsabilty, that is why i said i made it too easy for him. Now he winges. I hope to find a nice man but if not, better. My life is more worth than all that pain.
SARINIA
 
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Location: sydney. Australia

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