How can anyone be so cold?

[Sharrie]

Hello to everyone. I'm new to this board and actually quite relieved to have stumbled across it. I would like to pick the mens' brains here, for I have an acquaintance who repeatedly indulges in affairs which end up hurting the female involved.

He is a notorious cheater. He's married with three kids and is a player. He looks for women who are practical and available. The latest one of a string of many is, I would say, mid 30s, has never been married, and after nearly 1 year of an affair, has falled deeply in love with him. She obviously thinks she is the one going to turn him, although he claims he has always been honest and said he would never leave his wife. The girlfriend is now putting on the pressure for him to do just that, and he told me yesterday the relationship with the GF will probably be over by Christmas, but she has to end it. By Christmas! He goes back to the wife and kids (he actually said this) and she has nobody. The callousness just takes your breath away.

I asked why she has to end it, why can't he? He won't "because there are going to be tears". So basically as long as she is willing to carry on playing the game he will enjoy playing his game of "love". I told him he should stop playing with her and give her her life back because he knows there is no future for her. It doesn't bother him at all to see how his actions will hurt her (they probably are already), how she is going to feel knowing she has been used, She did try to break it once but he already booked and paid for a holiday for them together, so he wooed and won her back.

I'm absolutey amazed, shocked, at the coldness, the total lack of disrespect here for another human being. I appreciate she didn't have to get involved with him, everyone has a choice, but it's too late for the what if's. All I see is pain, not to mention that of his wife if he ever gets caught. Not every affair might be so cool about it afterwards.

I received a mail upon my return to the office in which he wrote "it's not up to us to decide what is right or wrong, but we all have to live with our own worries and conscience." This man needs therapy.

[Scott Haltzman]

Hi Sharrie,
Welcome to the board.
People who see others as objects, not humans (with human emotions), can easily slip into and out of relationships without being concerned about hurting others.
But it's not always so simple. Many men (and the occasional woman) who engages in infidelity actually view themselves as enriching the life of the women they're having affairs with. Think about it: your friend probably tells this man how happy HE makes HER (so he sees himself as bettering her life--a very humane thing to do) and she probably tells hiim that he makes her feel special...you get the idea. Moreover, some of these men feel like their wives don't appreciate them, and their paramours do.
Whatever the perspective of the unfaithful guy, or the hopeful woman (who also has a streak or cruelty for hurting the wife by accepting the invitation from this man for an affair) I think this kind of behavior is inexcusable.

[Sharrie]

Scott, thank you very much for the reply. I had also thought of the "seeing people as objects" version, which I am quite sure he does. By the way, HE is telling me all this, not the girlfriend.

I hadn't thought of the enrichment version, but could very well be true thinking about it. He deliberately picked this woman because she only lives a few minutes away from his house, so is easy to get to on his way somewhere, she is single and has no children. It's almost as if he is living two completely different lives - living out the fantasy of being single and carefree again as opposed to the family father of three with all the responsibilites this entails.

He sees no blame on his part. He says he has always made it clear from the beginning that he will not leave his wife and the girlfriend chose to stay, so it's her problem.

As with you Scott, I dissaprove totally of this kind of behaviour. With this though, it is the absolute disregard - and the using of her - he shows for another human being which disgusts me. It's like ice. And you are right, it is cruel.