Wife wants to Swing & I am freaked out

[Timothy]

we have been together for 9 years & married for 3. I love my wife so much. while being intimate we have fantasized about this and that. I believed it was in the comfort of our bedroom and within the boundaries of our normal relationship. I viewed our fantasizing as just that "fantasies." It turned both of us on. About a year and a 1/2 ago she made a comment after sex about us eventually being swingers. Since then she has dropped hints and comments about this type of thing and most recently is glued to the new TV show Swingers and openly discussed dreams she has had. She definitely seems into it. I have not commented on the subject much because it made me feel uncomfortable. Normally I would talk to my friends, (as we all do when we are having weird issues or problems with our marriage), but I am way too embarrassed. How can I tell my friends that my wife wants to swing!? Every time they would see her I would fill so humiliated. To be honest I don't know what to feell. I am threatened by this, hurt by this, feel betrayed & humiliated as a man. I am not a prude but that is an objective opinion. Our sex life is solid. we have 3 kids (2 are form her previous marriage) so sometimes we are wiped out form the day and kids. We could have more regular sex but when we do it is really good and fulfilling. It kind of came to a front last night while in bed & the show Swingers was on. Too many obvious comments kept happening and so it came to a point last night. I don't know what to say or do. The thought of another man with my wife makes me sick. When I tried to hold her last night too many images kept popping up in my head. She is mad now & upset. She is sorry she brought anything up and pissed that I can't get over this. I am mad at myself for not being a husband whom she can talk to and be open to & I am totally freaked out. We are in a very bad space. I feel like a prude and an idiot. I don't know what to do with my feelings.

[elizacol]

You're not a prude. You have a right to your feelings.

Your wife may be 'mad' because she's embarrassed by her feelings, and that you now know them.

Really, the only thing you can do is communicate with her. And she with you. Which means that you may have to hear and listen to things you don't necessarily want to hear or listen to. But, if you want to have a wife who willingly communicates her deepest fears and desires with you, you have to learn to listen. Without judegement, anger, etc. Just listen openly.

If she is serious about this, she may have to make a choice. Her marriage (you) or the swinger's lifestyle. That is something you may have to come to grips with. And, if it came down to making that choice, your wife may realize it's not really a choice, at all.

And maybe what I'm saying isn't really relevant to your sitch. I could be totally off base, having never experienced what you are going through. I did want you to know that someone had read your post, though, and did feel badly that you are going through this.

[Salina]

You have a right to your feelings. We been approached by couples and it's not something for us.

Here's what I feel. When your love for some one is so deep that is one thing you shouldn't have to share with on one else. That is a gift of love to each other.

In this world we have to share laughter, activities, fun, crying, sadness, with all kinds of people in our our lives but intimacy should only be for each other. That is the one thing I know that makes me love him more everyday all over again. I could never imagine invading our love for a climax session.

And if you are going to talk to her about it. Both of you need to discover why she feels an attraction to it. Is it because of how she feels about herself. Is it because lack of compliments from you. Or is it the climax part and if it is go toy shopping and include in compliments about how beautiful she is and how lucky you are to have such a hot babe. Spa and hair or make overs help boost a womens self image.

It's okay to say to her this makes me uncomfortable but I'm willing to listen and hear you out. The magic word is uncomfortable vs. mad and judgemental.

[feniksi]

A word of advice based on personal experience...
When you tell her openly that you are not into that lifestyle and you don't want to share her with anyone else she might decide to "adjust" to the situation and tell you OK while fulfilling her fantasies without telling you...

Be really really careful because love makes you blind.

[A Better US]

I read above that one of the post said, "we share laughter, activities, fun, crying, sadness, with all kinds of people in our lives but intimacy should only be for each other". I agree with what she said, but I don't think it applies here....Swinging is not "sharing" intimacy. Swinging is sharing sex, but it is not, should not, be intimate. Men, and some women, like your wife, can separate sex from intimacy. Sex, can be either intimate or just sex, sounds strange I know, but almost every guy ( and some women) reading this, know what I'm saying is true. My suggestion is this, talk about it with her, don't judge her, try to be understanding and give yourself some time to ponder and come to terms with the idea. The "intimacy" that you two share allowed her to discuss her desires with you. She took a big leap telling you about her desire and she would not have been able to do so if she did not feel that she could discuss ANYTHING with you.
If you decide to move forward and explore her new interest, talk, set rules and stick to them! Ask her this, are you willing to stop if EITHER of you two decide it is not for you?
Many couples in the swinging lifestyle have VERY strong relationships and extremely rewarding sexlifes because they talk and have real "intimacy" in the marriage. Most couples will never share their true desires with each other because of the lack of "real" intimacy in their relationship. Good Luck!

[LexiRose]

Hi Timothy,

You and your wife have been together for nine years and married for three of them, you love her so much and you both have acted out fantasies in the bedroom. Roughly a year and a half ago, she had made a comment after intercourse regarding her desire for the two of you to try out the swinging lifestyle. After time, the comments have become more frequent, she engages in watching a television show “Swingers” and these actions have prompted you to express your thoughts of betrayal, humiliation and sickening images of your wife with another man. Do I understand this information accurately?

As Dr. Haltzman’s blog states,

The No. 1 secret of happy couples is the ability to recognize that your partner has needs different than yours. Rather than judge that partner, or try to change him or her, happy partners accept those differences and strive to find ways to make their partners happy…The reason so many couples fail to recognize or acknowledge this secret is because society has reinforced for us our "right" to be happy, and when episodes of discontent impose themselves on the marriage…

(http://drhaltzman.blogspot.com/, Chicago Marriage Examiner directly after “the top ten reasons why marriages rock”).

It appears that your wife wants to explore new things with you; she may be feeling upset because she wants to share her desires and/or act out her sexual fantasies with you. Has she specifically stated that she has the intention of sleeping with other men even if you do not want to sleep with other women? Perhaps she would like to swing with you and a woman. I am assuming that she has not acted upon these desires, is this correct?
If my assumption is correct, try to ask her why she has such a strong yearning to swing with you. Her answer may surprise you. You should also calmly state why her new “obsession” is making you have feelings of betrayal. Perhaps watching more adult videos or visiting gentlemen’s club (if she does in fact want to bring a woman into your sex life) could be a happy medium for the two of you. Let me know how you make out with this situation; like I said, you may be happily surprised.

Sincerely,
LexiRose