I have been married to my husband for 9 years. We have two sons, ages 11 and 7. We are both 43 years old.
My husband is a functioning alcoholic. By functioning, I mean he is able to drink large quantities of alcohol at night and still be able to get up and go to work in the morning, run a business, and build it up to the point that he is a multi-millionaire.
Six years ago, my husband began exhibiting signs that he was cheating on me. I caught him through his cell phone bills, not only going to strip clubs, but pursuing the strippers, establishing relationships with them in which he bought them furniture, jewelry, designer handbags, cell phones. When I googled one of the numbers he was calling frequently, an escort service web page came up with a phone number that belonged to his business. He denied having sex with these women, said they were friends, that he just wanted someone to party with, until I pinned him to the wall and he confessed to having sex with two of them, the ones he bought jewelry and furniture for. He has since recanted. One of them he told me was pregnant with her boyfriend's baby. When I looked at her myspace page, the baby looked as if it could be my husband's and I questioned him about it. He denied it, said it was impossible because he never had sex with her. Then I hear from his sister-in-law that he called the stripper up worried it might be his kid. She told him not to worry her boyfriend made her get a paternity test, and that it was definitely her boyfriend's (not my husband's) kid. He had to relieve himself of the worry, but neglected tell me and alleviate my worries about a potential baby.
Needless to say this has been excruciatingly painful for me and very difficult to deal with. It has killed my self-esteem, caused me to have PTSD, anxiety and depression. It has affected my children as well as it is difficult to hide the fact that our relationship has fallen apart.
My husband has blamed me for his cheating. He says he wasn't happy with me, that we had no relationship. He takes no responsibility for it at all. I know that I am by no means perfect, but I adored my husband when I married with him. I know that I did not neglect him. If anyone was neglected in this relationship, it was me. It wasn't like some of the other relationships I hear about where the wife no longer wants to have sex with her husband. I loved having sex with him.
I really see this as an extension of his addiction to alcohol. Perhaps it is a sex addiction and he is using sex to numb his pain.
This morning on CBS' morning show, there was a male author talking about male sexuality. He wanted me to watch it. I did. There were two authors, a male and female, talking about why men watch pornography, and the effects it has on the relationship. The man stated that men may feel inadequate, or lonely, or depressed, and likes watching this sexed up woman on a porno having sex with two men because it is a fantasy about having no responsibility for that woman or her needs. The reason my husband wanted me to watch it is because he says that's how he feels.
I explained to him that they are talking about watching pornography, and that he actually took that fantasy and made it reality by having sex with other women. There's a huge difference between watching a movie and pursuing prostitutes and strippers to fulfill your fantasies. He says that all men feel this way, that all men cheat, that all men go to strip clubs and prostitutes.
I am really trying to understand my husband here, but I refuse to believe that all men are soliciting prostitutes. I need to hear from other men, especially Dr. Haltzman, on this issue. Do all men cheat, do all men go to strip clubs and solicit prostitutes? Do women just have to accept this as reality and learn to live with it?