Prostitutes and Strippers

[PamKrist]

I have been married to my husband for 9 years. We have two sons, ages 11 and 7. We are both 43 years old.

My husband is a functioning alcoholic. By functioning, I mean he is able to drink large quantities of alcohol at night and still be able to get up and go to work in the morning, run a business, and build it up to the point that he is a multi-millionaire.

Six years ago, my husband began exhibiting signs that he was cheating on me. I caught him through his cell phone bills, not only going to strip clubs, but pursuing the strippers, establishing relationships with them in which he bought them furniture, jewelry, designer handbags, cell phones. When I googled one of the numbers he was calling frequently, an escort service web page came up with a phone number that belonged to his business. He denied having sex with these women, said they were friends, that he just wanted someone to party with, until I pinned him to the wall and he confessed to having sex with two of them, the ones he bought jewelry and furniture for. He has since recanted. One of them he told me was pregnant with her boyfriend's baby. When I looked at her myspace page, the baby looked as if it could be my husband's and I questioned him about it. He denied it, said it was impossible because he never had sex with her. Then I hear from his sister-in-law that he called the stripper up worried it might be his kid. She told him not to worry her boyfriend made her get a paternity test, and that it was definitely her boyfriend's (not my husband's) kid. He had to relieve himself of the worry, but neglected tell me and alleviate my worries about a potential baby.

Needless to say this has been excruciatingly painful for me and very difficult to deal with. It has killed my self-esteem, caused me to have PTSD, anxiety and depression. It has affected my children as well as it is difficult to hide the fact that our relationship has fallen apart.

My husband has blamed me for his cheating. He says he wasn't happy with me, that we had no relationship. He takes no responsibility for it at all. I know that I am by no means perfect, but I adored my husband when I married with him. I know that I did not neglect him. If anyone was neglected in this relationship, it was me. It wasn't like some of the other relationships I hear about where the wife no longer wants to have sex with her husband. I loved having sex with him.

I really see this as an extension of his addiction to alcohol. Perhaps it is a sex addiction and he is using sex to numb his pain.

This morning on CBS' morning show, there was a male author talking about male sexuality. He wanted me to watch it. I did. There were two authors, a male and female, talking about why men watch pornography, and the effects it has on the relationship. The man stated that men may feel inadequate, or lonely, or depressed, and likes watching this sexed up woman on a porno having sex with two men because it is a fantasy about having no responsibility for that woman or her needs. The reason my husband wanted me to watch it is because he says that's how he feels.

I explained to him that they are talking about watching pornography, and that he actually took that fantasy and made it reality by having sex with other women. There's a huge difference between watching a movie and pursuing prostitutes and strippers to fulfill your fantasies. He says that all men feel this way, that all men cheat, that all men go to strip clubs and prostitutes.

I am really trying to understand my husband here, but I refuse to believe that all men are soliciting prostitutes. I need to hear from other men, especially Dr. Haltzman, on this issue. Do all men cheat, do all men go to strip clubs and solicit prostitutes? Do women just have to accept this as reality and learn to live with it?

[ThunderHorse]

I
I am really trying to understand my husband here, but I refuse to believe that all men are soliciting prostitutes. I need to hear from other men, especially Dr. Haltzman, on this issue. Do all men cheat, do all men go to strip clubs and solicit prostitutes? Do women just have to accept this as reality and learn to live with it?

It seems that you have identified some issues for which you would like your husband to be less impulsive, and more dedicated to the marriage. Whether some other men cheat on their wives, or not, is not relevant to his making you happy, so you can make him happy.

If alcohol is involved and strip clubs are involved, it seems like those are Habitual or Addictive behaviours.


"Everybody Drinks" is a typical rationalization for an alcaholic.

I hear your complaints, I hear you are hurting, I hear you have tried to be a good wife, but I don't hear a list of options to approach the problems that are hurting you.

Counseling, self-help books, self-help groups, Al-Anon, Church groups, etc. Have you identifeid whelp that is near to you?

Do you have baby sitters set up so that you can accompany your husband to groups?

Have you taken parenting classes or gotten DVD's or CD's so you can get your husband more involved with his boys? Parenting coureses alwasy brought my wife and I closer together.



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[PamKrist]

Thank you Thunder Horse for your response. I agree with you, it is not relevant what anyone else is doing. However, my H uses that as a justification of his actions and is trying to convince me to accept it. And I agree with you that it is an addictive behavior, one that is self-destructive. The pregnancy scare opened my eyes up to that because he obviously doesn't care about himself if he's having unprotected sex with a whore.

Thank you for acknowledging my pain. It eases it a little more every time someone acknowledges it because he keeps telling me I have no reason to be in pain and should consider myself lucky because he is such a good provider.

I'm sorry but I giggled a little bit when you mentioned the self-help books. I pulled them out one night and showed him, I have 25 of them all related to cheating, alcoholism, passive-aggressive behavior, controlling people and relationships.

I have tried all of the options you listed. He refuses counseling, so I went alone. None of these things have eased my pain because all I want is my husband whom I adore and for him to be faithful to me and for us to be happy like we used to be, but I can't have it. Because of this I am grieving. It is truly like a death. On top of finding out about the whores, I have realized everyone I knew has lied about it.

As for babysitters and my husband going to groups, my husband will only hire babysitters if it means we can go out and get drunk at a night club somewhere. He is not in AA, he is not getting help for sex addiction, he refuses to go to even marriage counseling, and he would be the last person to step into a church ever.

As far as the parenting goes, one of my counselors gave me good advice, which is to praise him when he exhibits good father skills. So I do do that and it has helped.