Confession-Resolution-Runaway-Building Back

[moc]

Where to start…my wife and I have been married for 12.5 years and most of them have been extremely happy. We are both 2nd marriages, carrying children to this conjoined union along with creating more children together. Nearly immediately we decided to have our first child together which caused some relationship struggle. Going to doctors and drugs and tests resulted in a lot of stress on the both of us to make a child when I made the biggest mistake of my life after only 5 years of marriage. I do not make excuses but explain the mindset of which I had and am very regretful of. I had a one night stand which was preceded by an emotional affair. I confessed and wanted to leave the marriage. As strong as a woman my wife was, she did not let me run. I thank the Lord every day she helped me see that I was baggaged by events in my past. She forgave me but of course did not forget. Few family members were informed, those who contributed to my unraveling, but I still made the erroneous decision to create this turmoil. We will live with this the rest of our lives. Since then we moved to a new home to accommodate our growing family. But the time of year still comes around, we talk about it and it hurts.

Fast forward now to October…over 1 year, I have been working a job that I get up early for and have (until recently) in a different bed than my wife and 5 year old (who has been there since moving to new house 4 years ago). I will give details on perception and then transgress to my misgivings. During the month, she became more distant to me, going out with friends, drinking excessively; driving intoxicated at time, smoking cigarettes (of which she never did). After less than a week of this, she came to me and said she wanted to run away. That she felt under appreciated by the older kids and she needed time and space. From here forward for awhile, each statement of what she “wanted” and “needed” to be/feel like felt like a stab at me. What was she really saying about me? For many weeks she did not want to talk about what she was going through, she kept shutting me out. I begged her to go to counseling with me but she refused. She is a medical professional, and in my opinion in some cases, those are the hardest to convince help is needed.

She stated that I had not delivered on agreements when we purchased the new house and that she didn’t want it in the first place. She wanted couple friends and get togethers other than family. I attempted to prior to this a few times, but nothing developed. She didn’t even try. She continued to run out with her girl friends, not calling to let me know she was in for the night, etc. Once it was a fight that I thought would cure the situation, which she would not have put up with this behavior out of me back 7 years ago nor now and to put herself in my shoes. That did not last long as I tried to hard to show her how much I loved her.

As a man in desperation, I encroached on her friendship by trying to get information on my wife as to her progress of recovery by contacting her friend. The friend was sympathetic and made reasonable statements she was trying to move her back to me. But she hit that magic number in some eyes of “40” and was looking back on life wondering who she was and what she wants to be. She has become vainer than I had possibly heard in the past 12 years. From tummy tuck, boob enhancement, and eye lids were the main topics of discussion during the first few weeks of my discontent. Eventually, I apologized to my wife and her friend by encroaching on that link they had. But it was a bit too late. She purchased another cell phone so she could text/call her girl friends without me being involved. This made me furious. She had it for at least 1 week before she told me. I told her this did not bode well for trust in our marriage and to have her put herself in my shoes what would happen if I did that to her. She said I would be out. Among this confession, she stated she had been smoking cigarettes for more than 4 months, yet another thing she kept from me.

As you can read, I am not a fan of cigarettes or excessive drinking to get drunk…to run away from our problems. Some history would help; I have a grandfather and brother who are alcoholics. My wife has a son and ex-husband that are users also. Don’t get me wrong, I have a drink every once in awhile but, it’s not a high priority. So my trepidations were due to back story.

We are about 7 weeks since she wanted to run away. We finally spoke openly about what she was really experiencing and some of it, truthful and hurtful as it was, became an eye opener. She stated that her “hand was on the door” and she needed time to sort out who she was and where she was going. She had never truly dealt with the affair as she had nobody to share it with besides relatives. She shared it with her friend which became turmoil for me for a spell. The children and I looked upon this friend, erroneously, as if she stole her from us. Realistically it had been building up and the flood gate erupted. I found I had been not 100% at fault but the downfalls I had were usual ones. I thought that by taking care of family and providing a good financial base was nearly the biggest percentage to a good marriage. What I also found, was that I neglected to put her first in everything I did or said. I did not take an active listening approach to our relationship, and I am completely at fault. Of course there are more items that I can elaborate on as needed, because it’s been a wild 7 weeks (dropping hints wanting another baby, etc.)

I have now reconfigured myself to striving for betterness. I am only half way through the Secrets of Married Men book and begin to feel a bit invigorated. Recently I am now in the bed with her again, closeness sleeping, and sex has started again. With family come and gone for Thanksgiving, she has been more sweet and loving to me. There have been interesting developments and changes in her towards me, but I feel at times it could be a façade. But I also found that as much as a guy I am, this will take time. And now that I have had this experience that she wanted to leave me, this will not ever go away either. There are some things that still hurt and I cannot speak to her about them yet because I need self control to discuss them nor do I want to give her a reason to leave. So now, I ask the panel to help me out with these items and they are in order of importance to me as most hurtful:

1. Ring: she is not wearing her wedding ring as she told me ahead of time that washing hands breaks her fingers out.
2. Cell phone: I have to walk out of the room if she starts texting because it infuriates me so much.
3. Smoking: smells nasty, in the cold weather its worse, but I am tolerating it.
4. Apologies: for some of the statements she made during the early days of this trial (maybe in time).

Sorry for the long windedness.

[blue1]

as a person who has been on the cheating side of a relationship the best thing I can tell you to do is take this good strech and run with it. Starting being more spontaneous yourself...If you love her creat ways to be able to incorporate each other into activities. Try to find a joint activity you two may want to pick up and do it...If she is back in your life invest more time in the relationship because if you dont you may be right back at square 1

[moc]

blue1, thank you for your advice. Whats tough is that I had invested more time in the home relationship for the past several months, even before the flood gates opened. Reading through the book, I am still undaunted in the home tasks and choose home life, family over work. I confide in only a few individuals and I say the brain/mind is a terrible thing during this turmoil. Those friends and family are starting to ask questions now that I don't know how long I can keep hush about. Just finished with the Conflict chapter and trying to get the urge to discuss the 4 issues I set forth. We aren't going backwards just stagnant going forward right now. I am trying to be consistent in my words and actions but I get little response. She gets bad PMS so I don't know whats PMS and whats her detachment.

For instance, I fold laundry, do dishes, etc. but now get "why are you doing that"? But I have always done that and I know thats not why she is not happy. I guess in some way, she may feel threatened by my actions of being around the home more and doing what I have always been doing. She gets more "light" in her behavior and attitude when her friend is over and around, she even treats me very sweetly. Little comments she says makes me still feel she would choose her friends over me and the kids. I know this takes time but the "fight-flight" is hard to fight off right now. These "blue" days just kick me in the teeth. I think we will make it but to what level of my sanity will be left? The attempts I do take at reaching out to her are met with criticism.

[blue1]

well if she is not open to communication then it may be that time!

I hate to say that but that is without a doubt the most important part of the relationship. If she isnt willing to see your side of things then in essence she doesnt want to be with you. Its funny in your situation the roles are reversed where she is acting more like the man and your acting more like the wife.

Maybe you can utlize a third party (counseling) to help her see your side of things...Your going to need that to move on if not then I would advise to cut your losses now.

For example in my situation I was unfaithful alot and really hurt my spouse yet on two separate occassion she was willing to work it out. She saw my side and even though she was angry with me she accpted it and tried her best. I was so selfish that I took her willingness for weakness and nopw we are finished and its my fault. I didnt take in to account her feelings and emotions. And thus I screwd up big time to the point depression has now set in big time.

Bottom line get her to communicate if she sint willing to do that then the future looks bleak...I hope it works out for you.

[Scott Haltzman]

Hi Moc,
If I had a dollar for every wife and mother who has a desire to move out and get a small cottage--well I wouldn't be a millionaire, but at least I'd be able to get a tank of gas! It doesn't mean the relationship is over, it means that she feels under-appreciated and over stressed. Being with you, and your kids, taxes her. That's understandable, and that's what she needs to know: "I can understand why you feel that way," WITHOUT any "...but" to follow.
Like you, I have concerns when alcohol use and self-destructive behaviors (smoking) start to creep into the relationship, but, unfortunately, you can't prevent someone from harming themselves in this way.
When it comes to the efforts you make around the house, and she asks "What are you up to?" the answer is simple. "I'm trying to make your life easier, and make you happy." If she says, "It's not that easy," you say, "I know that it's not easy, and it take more than a few loads of laundry. But my passion is in making your life as full of joy as possible, because I care about you, and I want to be able to give you a loving relationship with me for a lifetime."
At first she may reject efforts for you to get closer because she won't trust you. But if you make it a lifelong commitment, she'll catch on (eventually, and if she hasn't pickled her brain with alcohol by then).
S.H.


Please remember that these comments are not representative of advice or medical service or recommendations, but are offered by Scott Haltzman as points of discussion and observation.

[moc]

Dr. Haltzman,
Thank you for your time in reviewing my comments. Things appear to be easing up but as a "fixit" man, patience is not a strong suit of course. But, I am staying the course. There are shimmers of small steps each week (not each day but I take them as I take them) and I believe in my heart that she values our committment under God and we will become better than we had been. I am completely devoted to her and willing to sacrifice as she has for the family for years. I am hoping and trying to build what we had in our early years of marriage. Thank you for your book, my eyes are opening daily.