how do I live with myself

how do I live with myself

Postby blue1 » Tue Dec 02, 2008 1:05 pm

I am posting this as a way to release guilt and hopefully find some type of therapy in the process. I was married for 10 years know my soon to be ex-for 15 years. I have had various sexual encouters over the course of our relationship. She had found out about them and we have been separated twice however she had been willing to work at it each time. Once she came back a third time I did it again. Now we are ending our marriage and it has devastated me. Yes I know I am the cause for this and frankly it comes from being addicted to on-line pornography and marijuana. Those two vices entice me to act inappropriately and put myself in very very bad situations. I am attempting to get help for my addictions and quit them altogether and it has been hard. But I know I need that out of my life in order to get back my life.

As for my ex-what devastates me is that she is beautiful, smart, repsonsible and loving mother all of the things anyone would want in a wife yet I cant seem to get it right. I want her but it seem like only when she doesnt want me. Also in committing these indiscretions I knew that I was risking my marriage yet I sub consciously didnt care. I have seriously injured the person I care the most about and it hurts me down to the core. There are times at night I just break down in tears because of the chances and effort this woman has given over the years. It hurts to know I caused her to look for hapiness somewhere else and yet in some sadistic way try to look for sympathy from her.

Now our relationship is very business like and only involves our children. She is attempting to find new relationships which I totally understand and yet I am hurt by them. No different than what I did to her in my relationships. I am so ashamed I rarely try to see here face to face unless it is absolutely necessary. I am a pure emtional wreck and I dont know what to do.....

The bottom line is how do I get over this guilt and move on with my life so I do not repeat the same steps in another relationship
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Joined: Tue Dec 02, 2008 12:45 pm

Postby abby » Wed Dec 10, 2008 3:54 pm

Possibly counselling?
Ask around, church, family doctor...for a good qualified counsellor.
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Joined: Tue Dec 09, 2008 11:20 am

Re: how do I live with myself

Postby psychstudent » Tue Dec 06, 2011 10:43 pm

In order to move on from the mistakes you made and ease some of the guilt you feel I think that you first need to understand why you cheated the first time. You are among the 25% of married men who have reported to be involved in extramarital relationships. As I’ve learned in my psychology class there are different motivations for cheating. The first is dissatisfaction with your committed relationship or anger toward your partner. The others include boredom, the need to confirm that you are still desirable to women, and strong attraction to the woman whom you cheated with. You stated that you had “various” encounters. Were you in a certain situation that tempted you to cheat? Was it with one steady partner, or a different one every time? The biggest step you must take is being honest with yourself about what happened and why you did it. Perhaps once you understand your own actions you will be able to lessen the guilt you are feeling and help prevent future cheating. I would also encourage you to seek counseling if your own reflection does not supply you with answers that you want. I wish you good luck in figuring yourself out and I also hope that your relationship with your ex improves as much as it can.
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Joined: Mon Dec 05, 2011 6:45 pm

Re: how do I live with myself

Postby kenpokb516 » Tue Dec 04, 2012 7:22 am

To my understanding, you have been married to your wife for 10 years to a woman you would consider beautiful, smart, responsible and a loving mother. Yet you have continuously had various sexual encounters throughout your relationship with her. She is aware that you’ve been with other people and she is willing to work through it with you. Though she is willing to work through this situation, this has led you two to separate twice. The third time she came back, you did it again. This time the result was ending your marriage. You feel guilty for what happened and don’t know how to cope with it. Do you ever wish to get back together in the future?

According to Dr. Scott Haltzman, “Affairs happen in up to 40% of marriages, and there’s no bigger challenge to the integrity of a relationship than experiencing infidelity. Many of these marriages don’t have to end in divorce, but people are getting poor advice, or no advice, and feeling that they don’t have an option but to draw the marriage to a close. Divorce doesn’t have to be in the cards for every relationship who has experienced an affair. These marriages can be saved, and on a personal level, that can turn a family from disaster to stability.” Also, Dr. Misiurski says that “Conditioning is the process of learning associations between environmental events and behavioral responses.” An example of conditioning is between a dog and when it salivates. Once the dog is given food, it salivates. There was an experiment done that conditioned the dog to salivate without having the food. Before given the food, a bell was rung which had overtime conditioned the dog to salivate at the sound of a bell.

How does this apply to you? In your case, after notifying your wife that you had other sexual encounters throughout the marriage, your wife agreed to work through it instead of instantly wanting a divorce. In this situation, this was a good thing. Unfortunately, even though she was willing to work through it, conditioning came into play. After various time of having these sexual encounters and your wife still staying with you, it has conditioned you into continuously doing it.

If you truly wish to get over this guilt and move on with your life, I believe you should talk to her. Simply tell her how you feel about this whole situation. This will ease the guilt and make you not as ashamed to see her in person knowing that you have honestly confessed how you feel. Once you’ve done this, accept what has been done and learn from this experience. If you do not wish to get back into a relationship with her, I believe that in the next relationship you have this situation will not happen again. Due to the fact that this had such an effect on you, you are less likely to do this again.
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Re: how do I live with myself

Postby psychology401 » Fri Nov 15, 2013 8:29 am

You say you cannot live with yourself because after being married for 10 years, you and your wife are getting a divorce. You claim to have inappropriate “addictions,” that include multiple affairs with different women, viewing online photography and smoking marijuana. Now that you are divorced, your relationship mainly just involves taking care of your children. Seeing your ex-wife attempt relationships with other men makes you feel hurt. Now that your relationship with her has ended, it is appropriate for you to move on and to improve yourself so that any future relationship will last.
Dr. Scott Haltzman says that the first secret to becoming a happily married man is making sure that marriage is your job. To better manage problems faced in a marriage, you should use your work skills. Work skills include planning, listening, and thinking before you speak or act. For example, thinking of how an affair will affect your marriage before you act upon it could change your mind entirely about having an affair in the first place. Dr. Haltzman also says, “…just like your job, your marriage has many rewards: from personal fulfillment, to a longer, healthier and more financially secure future, to a better sex life.
In your case, your previous marriage ended because you failed to use your work skills. You didn’t stop having affairs, smoking or even watching porn when your wife found out those were your addictions. To improve your next relationship, acting like the relationship is your job will give you many benefits. Think about it this way, if you looked at online porn and smoked illicit drugs at your desk at work and your boss caught you, how long would that job last? Your addictions are unethical work skills and marriage skills.
In order for you to improve your next relationship with a woman, you must not do what you did in your last marriage. Sex rehab would be a good place to start. Finding hobbies to do besides smoking weed could also help you. Use your working skills, such as team work, to help you make a closer relationship with your significant other. If you can stop smoking, ask your girlfriend to get involved with sports or any other new hobbies you picked up. Be responsible, and think ahead of the consequences of an affair. Since in your right mind, you would never cheat on getting something done at work, don’t cheat on your wife. You’ll be happier with yourself if you treat your next relationship like your job.
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