I am posting this as a way to release guilt and hopefully find some type of therapy in the process. I was married for 10 years know my soon to be ex-for 15 years. I have had various sexual encouters over the course of our relationship. She had found out about them and we have been separated twice however she had been willing to work at it each time. Once she came back a third time I did it again. Now we are ending our marriage and it has devastated me. Yes I know I am the cause for this and frankly it comes from being addicted to on-line pornography and marijuana. Those two vices entice me to act inappropriately and put myself in very very bad situations. I am attempting to get help for my addictions and quit them altogether and it has been hard. But I know I need that out of my life in order to get back my life.
As for my ex-what devastates me is that she is beautiful, smart, repsonsible and loving mother all of the things anyone would want in a wife yet I cant seem to get it right. I want her but it seem like only when she doesnt want me. Also in committing these indiscretions I knew that I was risking my marriage yet I sub consciously didnt care. I have seriously injured the person I care the most about and it hurts me down to the core. There are times at night I just break down in tears because of the chances and effort this woman has given over the years. It hurts to know I caused her to look for hapiness somewhere else and yet in some sadistic way try to look for sympathy from her.
Now our relationship is very business like and only involves our children. She is attempting to find new relationships which I totally understand and yet I am hurt by them. No different than what I did to her in my relationships. I am so ashamed I rarely try to see here face to face unless it is absolutely necessary. I am a pure emtional wreck and I dont know what to do.....
The bottom line is how do I get over this guilt and move on with my life so I do not repeat the same steps in another relationship