She had an emotional affair, why do i feel guilty?

[DJDM]

My wife recently was emotionally involved with another man. They both said nothing physical happened but she told him she loved him. I thought our marriage was great but she told me we never communicated well.

About three years ago we were confessing to each other about things we had done in the past. The subject of masturbation came up and she admitted to doing it a few years previous. I admitted to doing it once when I was at the gym in a private bathroom that had a shower. She asked me if I was mad at her when I did that, and I said yes. We didn't really talk about this again for three years and she seemed happy in our marriage and I didn't think anything else about it. I thought we were just opening up to each other when we talked about it.

She has never said that this is the cause of our marriage problems. She said I was never there for her and we have communication problems. We are currently going to counseling and the M thing has never come up.

I am blaming myself for all my marriage problems and when I think about what I did I feel so guilty and ashamed like I am some sort of devaint.

Is this rational? Help, I feel horrible.

[elizacol]

Hmmmm....not sure if I totally understand your post....i.e., the 'reason' for the emotional affair...you think it is because of your masturbation incident?!

I think a little bit of guilt on both sides, when a marriage goes through hard times, is ok. After all, a marriage takes 2. And when a marriage starts to falter, it is BOTH parties fault. So, go ahead and take on SOME of the guilt, but then, do something about it.

I speak from experience. My H had an emotional affair, and told this gal he loved her. I carried ALL the guilt at first, but with time, began to see that yes, I had played a role in SOME of our problems, but he, too, had played a role. He eventually saw that, too.

I turned that guilt into action. I changed those parts of me that had caused him grief, and turned myself around. I am now a much better wife, and person, having gone through what we did.

No! I do NOT believe your wife's emotional affair is due simply to your 1 incident. Figure out what you need to do to heal/improve your marriage, and do it. It's as simple as that. The guilt will eventually go away.

Good luck!